altimit | milky's bullshit containment zone

[ The anger sits deep inside of him, but when he looks at Sheza, Fai realizes that he can't take it out on him more. Not like that.

And so he lets his knees give out and sinks to the ground, doing his best to control his breathing. If he breathes too heavily, he'll let go of the tears threatening to slip and he can't do that. He can't break the dam that he's held up for two weeks straight. ]

I thought you died for that business, Sheza. I thought you went to get yourself killed.

[ Fai looks up, glares at Sheza. ]

I thought you left me.

[He can't let the dam break? Sure he can. If Yuui won't express his upset through anger, then he'll do it through tears. Yael doesn't need to be told how well he knows Yuui and his tendencies when the truth resides untouched in his heart.

Inciting him didn't work, and Yael isn't so foolish that he'd continue egging Yuui on when he's so close to tears. Hunching down, Yael does he only reasonable thing a pathetic bastard like himself can do and wraps his arms around him tightly enough that Yuui can no longer question his own sanity.

Yael is real, Yael is whole, and he isn't about to leave him again. He can no longer afford to act on foolish whims and impulse. He has a malewife to take care of.]

I'm sorry, Yuui.

You're a real jerk, you know? A musclehead.

[ That's what Ganymede called him, at least, and Fai thinks it fits. The temptation to smack Yael on the chest is strong, and he gives in just once before wrapping his arms around Yael in turn.

He's warm and alive and Fai is all too sure he'll wake up with tears in his eyes in just a few minutes. ]

I planned to follow you wherever you decided to go when you left the military, you know. I thought that had just blown up right in front of me. I thought I was going to wake back up in the real world alone.

[A musclehead... Where has he heard that before? Yael's amusement is brief enough to come and go in a single exhale. There's nothing funny about this situation. Yael can only laugh at himself, however briefly, and accept the full consequences of his actions without complaint. He took a gamble and lost, so it's time to pay up.

His arms tighten around Yuui, his hold firm and his fingers soft where they stroke through fine blond hair.]

...You moron. Don't uproot yourself for my sake. If you really want to stick with me after giving you a heart attack like this... we'll plan our future together.

[ He still can't relax in Sheza's arms, as warm as they are. Not yet, even as he closes his eyes for a brief moment, opening them as he pulls away so he can place his hands on Sheza's shoulders. ]

You're the real moron here. Don't you get what I'm saying?

[ There's no uprooting for Sheza's sake here. That isn't what Fai is doing. This is as much for himself as it is for Sheza. His eyes are still alight with that angry fire, even as his hands are gentle on his shoulders, his thumbs rubbing small circles in the soft fabric of Sheza's armor. ]

I love you, Sheza. Of course I'm sticking with you.

[No denying that he's a moron too. In that sense, they're made for each other, but the thought fails to do much more than curl one end of Yael's lips into a lopsided grin. His eyes are on Yuui's, absorbing his every word.]

I love you too, you dummy. That's why I—

[Hold on. Love? The L word?? Yael's eyes widen, his jaw drops. No fucking way.]

...Run that by me again?

[ He wasn't nervous about saying it until Sheza's jaw dropped, but his cheeks turn a light pink the moment he asks Fai to say it again. Without even thinking about it, he shoves hard at Sheza's shoulder. ]

Are you trying to embarrass me?

Embarrass you? Give me a break.

[Yael is the one anxiously rubbing at his neck, trying and failing to rub off his blush before it spreads up his neck and across his cheeks. Damn it, his face feels hot. He can't look Yuui in the eyes..................]

Look. You can't just drop something like that on me without warning. You might kill me for real.

[ It's completely and totally unfair for Sheza to have the audacity to look cute right now when he was supposed to be dead for two weeks. With another shove, he lets out a slightly giddy laugh. ]

What am I supposed to do? Say, "Oh Sheza, let me warn you... I'm going to tell you I love you"?

[ Fai laughs again, giving Sheza another little smack for good measure. ]

[He tanks that smack like a champ!! Seriously though, Yuui owes him about a half dozen punches, but Yael's cool letting that slide for now. He pushes back against Yuui's palm, gently knocking their foreheads together.]

Exactly. A little warning goes a long way. What other secrets have you been keeping from me?

[ He can't help the way that his hand automatically rests on the back of Sheza's head, keeping him right where he is. With a soft smile, he hums. ]

I need you to get your shit together.

[ ...Is that a secret? Maybe, maybe not. But he knows that he can't hold back the hurt he's felt, nor the things he ruminated on when he thought Sheza was dead.

The things he wished he had said.

He has the opportunity now, and he knows that he can't afford to squander it. ]

Don't make me regret giving my heart to you, Sheza.

[Yael can't help it— he laughs, knowing full well his shit is in tatters and in desperate need of getting together. That Yuui would continue wasting his time on a broken, battered remnant of a man is... noble? Foolish? A bit of both, really, and Yael loves him for it.

Yael loves him dearly, his eyes briefly settling on Yuui's lips. His smile.]

Fair enough. I'm going to have to if I want to keep you around.

[And he does, like duh.]

I feel like I was only gone a day, but when I look at you now? Feels like I've been gone an eternity. I missed you.

Me too, obviously.

[ He smiles, fingers tangling in Sheza's hair. It's softer than he remembers, and he feels incredibly lucky that he gets to have it under his fingers again. ]

I think I've aged a few years since you last saw me.

[ His eyes are tired and bloodshot, his lips dry, his skin dull... it's clear that he's been in dire straits the last two weeks. With a small smile, he leans back, takes Sheza in. ]

I should definitely box your ears.

[It's an indulgence he doesn't deserve, but Yael allows his eyes to slip closed anyway, soaking in Yuui's scent and heat and the gradual softening of his voice. Poor thing. He really has been worried sick, hasn't he? That brings Yael no joy, truly, but it's heartening to know someone cares as deeply for him as Yuui does. That someone loves him as deeply as Yuui does.

His eyes slip open when Yuui leans back to appraise him, a thin smile on his lips.]

I gave you permission to beat me up, didn't I? Go on. I'll accept cheap shots too.

I think you're a little too eager for me to beat you up.

[ And what would that mean, to give Sheza the satisfaction of it? Fai isn't exactly the violent sort either, not unless Sheza were to truly provoke him. After all, if he wants to get beat up to get his rocks off, he should say so.

He smiles softly, reaching out to tug on Yael's ear. It's a gentle pull, one not meant to hurt him. ]

I feel almost guilty for how angry I was. I thought you had let your feelings for someone else set you off on some sort of death mission. I wasn't sure that was your motivation, but...

[ Surely Sheza can understand why that would be his fear. ]

[His feelings for someone else, huh? Yael draws in a breath, long and thin, and exhales it just as slowly. He's not an idiot. He can't pretend to be and feign ignorance when it's pretty obvious which horse they're beating around here.]

Nah. If I thought there was any chance that guy would keep me in his prison that long, I wouldn't have taken the risk and put you through all this. Not even for someone I have feelings for.

[Because it's true, you know? He's chosen to love Yuui and Yuui alone, but that doesn't erase the feelings he has for Hector. Yael would be insulting all three of them if he claimed those feelings weren't valid even though he has no intention of ever acting on them.]

[ Hearing that settles his heart at least somewhat, though that admission? It hurts, summoning up a dull ache in his chest. Fai tries not to let it show on his face, but he frowns despite his best efforts.

But admitting it is the first step, isn't it? ]

Your feelings for him... how deep do they go? How far did it get between the two of you?

[ Fai doesn't think Sheza cheated—he trusts him that much, but he wants to know how close they were, how much time they spent together, those kinds of things. He needs to know, as much as it'll hurt. If they don't speak plainly on this now, Fai isn't sure he'll ever have the courage to do it again. This moment is like lightning in a bottle, and so he's going to seize it.

A breath, and he continues: ]

Did they develop because of something I'm lacking?

Edited 2023-10-26 02:49 (UTC)

[How deep do they go? If only he could answer that simply, pacify Yuui, and move onto more pleasant topics. If only this were that simple.

An inhale, long and deep. Yael holds it in his lungs until they begin to burn, and then it silently pours through a narrow gap in his lips. His eyes settle on Yuui's and remain there.]

Far enough for me to know way before he admitted to his crush that the feeling was mutual. I never acted on it. I never will.

[As for Yuui's second question? Yael's hands come up to pap his cheeks, but there they remain, holding him in place. His eyes soften at the edges, spilling over every inch of Yuui's troubled expression. Even now, pallid and sleep deprived, he's beautiful. More and more every day, Yael finds more to love about him.

When Yael finally speaks, his voice is soft in a way it so seldom is. As if caring for a frightened child or tending to a bird with a broken wing, there's unmistakable fondness in his voice beneath all its usual grit.]

Lacking? What haven't you given me?

[ At the very least, he believes Sheza never acted on it and that he never will, but it's still only a bit of salve on the wound. He smiles sheepishly at Sheza, his eyebrows furrowing.

That softness is almost too much, it almost burns. It's a good sort of burn, though, one intertwined tightly with the elation over being able to hear Sheza's voice at all again. ]

I thought that... I had done something wrong. Or that I missed something he had.

[ That there was something Hector had that Fai could never give to Sheza, or that he was being karmically punished for every wrong he's committed during his life. They're feelings that make no sense on the surface, but in the midst of something like this? They're the type of anxieties that someone like Fai would naturally be inclined towards. ]

You...

[Yael's voice drips with all the incredulity and fondness that comes with gently chiding someone you love. That's what he's doing, you know? Pinching Yuui's cheeks, Yael pulls him in for a kiss, the movement well-practiced and fluid, only to stop himself short.

No. Not yet. Until Yuui makes the "first" move and Yael knows he's comfortable with intimacy again, he won't cross that line. Instead, Yael taps their foreheads together, long lashes brushing against Yuui's.]

What could you have done wrong? I'm the idiot here. Besides... With you, I feel like I'm home. I haven't felt that way in years.

[ Kissing Sheza is as easy as breathing, and Fai allows his eyes to flutter closed and—ah. He's restraining himself, isn't he? Thankfully, Fai sees it as what it is: something that Sheza feels he needs to let Fai take the reins on.

So, he allows their foreheads to press together again, letting out a soft sigh. It takes him a few moments to process just exactly what Sheza said, and it surprises him enough that he reaches up to put a hand over one of Sheza's. ]

Despite everything?

[ Despite his memories, or the way that Fai is, or even that punch to the jaw. ]

[Yael closes his eyes and focuses on the gentle push and pull of Yuui's breathing, lifting a hand to tangle their fingers together.]

Despite everything.

[He confirms, but there's a little more to it than that. Yael is silent for a moment, carefully choosing his words. A bit of color tints his cheeks, his admission raw and exposing, but they're words Yuui deserves to hear.]

I think you knocked a few things loose with that punch. Honestly... you made me fall in love with you all over again, memories be damned. You could wipe my memory clean and I'd return to you like a needy dog every time.

[ He sits back, just so he can get a better look at Sheza's face... and so that Sheza can see that he's smiling too. ]

You're cute when you're embarrassed.

[ That isn't the point here, though, is it? ]

I think... I feel the same way. My heart would always know that you're the one it belongs to. [ He squeezes Sheza's hand, hoping that his own admission makes it easier to leave his heart so exposed. ] That's part of the reason why I was so afraid to say it. It's a lot scarier when you're aware of how important it is.

You're one to talk.

[Can it, cutie. Yael leans back so they can both admire each other properly... but the first thought that crosses Yael's mind? "Damn. We're both morons." At least they're morons in love.

Yael can't help himself. Tugging their joined hands up to his lips, he peppers Yuui's with little kisses. He's missed this, missed them.]

There's nothing scarier than giving someone else your heart. Not even the battlefield. Even if you found someone else, someone who could make you a lot happier than me, you'd always have my heart in your hand. That's just how it is.

[ He laughs softly, the little kisses getting him giggly in a way he hasn't felt since he was a teenager. There's a whole flurry of emotions sitting in his chest, threatening to bubble over, and he has to take a breath to steady himself. ]

That's so dramatic.

[ But he knows Sheza has no real reason to lie—he's never been the type, instead choosing to obscure his feelings rather than saying them aloud. Which means hearing them like this is a touch overwhelming. ]

What's gotten into you?

[ His voice wobbles slightly, his head spinning with everything going on. It's too much and not enough. ]

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