altimit | milky's bullshit containment zone

[ He can't help the way that his hand automatically rests on the back of Sheza's head, keeping him right where he is. With a soft smile, he hums. ]

I need you to get your shit together.

[ ...Is that a secret? Maybe, maybe not. But he knows that he can't hold back the hurt he's felt, nor the things he ruminated on when he thought Sheza was dead.

The things he wished he had said.

He has the opportunity now, and he knows that he can't afford to squander it. ]

Don't make me regret giving my heart to you, Sheza.

[Yael can't help it— he laughs, knowing full well his shit is in tatters and in desperate need of getting together. That Yuui would continue wasting his time on a broken, battered remnant of a man is... noble? Foolish? A bit of both, really, and Yael loves him for it.

Yael loves him dearly, his eyes briefly settling on Yuui's lips. His smile.]

Fair enough. I'm going to have to if I want to keep you around.

[And he does, like duh.]

I feel like I was only gone a day, but when I look at you now? Feels like I've been gone an eternity. I missed you.

Me too, obviously.

[ He smiles, fingers tangling in Sheza's hair. It's softer than he remembers, and he feels incredibly lucky that he gets to have it under his fingers again. ]

I think I've aged a few years since you last saw me.

[ His eyes are tired and bloodshot, his lips dry, his skin dull... it's clear that he's been in dire straits the last two weeks. With a small smile, he leans back, takes Sheza in. ]

I should definitely box your ears.

[It's an indulgence he doesn't deserve, but Yael allows his eyes to slip closed anyway, soaking in Yuui's scent and heat and the gradual softening of his voice. Poor thing. He really has been worried sick, hasn't he? That brings Yael no joy, truly, but it's heartening to know someone cares as deeply for him as Yuui does. That someone loves him as deeply as Yuui does.

His eyes slip open when Yuui leans back to appraise him, a thin smile on his lips.]

I gave you permission to beat me up, didn't I? Go on. I'll accept cheap shots too.

I think you're a little too eager for me to beat you up.

[ And what would that mean, to give Sheza the satisfaction of it? Fai isn't exactly the violent sort either, not unless Sheza were to truly provoke him. After all, if he wants to get beat up to get his rocks off, he should say so.

He smiles softly, reaching out to tug on Yael's ear. It's a gentle pull, one not meant to hurt him. ]

I feel almost guilty for how angry I was. I thought you had let your feelings for someone else set you off on some sort of death mission. I wasn't sure that was your motivation, but...

[ Surely Sheza can understand why that would be his fear. ]

[His feelings for someone else, huh? Yael draws in a breath, long and thin, and exhales it just as slowly. He's not an idiot. He can't pretend to be and feign ignorance when it's pretty obvious which horse they're beating around here.]

Nah. If I thought there was any chance that guy would keep me in his prison that long, I wouldn't have taken the risk and put you through all this. Not even for someone I have feelings for.

[Because it's true, you know? He's chosen to love Yuui and Yuui alone, but that doesn't erase the feelings he has for Hector. Yael would be insulting all three of them if he claimed those feelings weren't valid even though he has no intention of ever acting on them.]

[ Hearing that settles his heart at least somewhat, though that admission? It hurts, summoning up a dull ache in his chest. Fai tries not to let it show on his face, but he frowns despite his best efforts.

But admitting it is the first step, isn't it? ]

Your feelings for him... how deep do they go? How far did it get between the two of you?

[ Fai doesn't think Sheza cheated—he trusts him that much, but he wants to know how close they were, how much time they spent together, those kinds of things. He needs to know, as much as it'll hurt. If they don't speak plainly on this now, Fai isn't sure he'll ever have the courage to do it again. This moment is like lightning in a bottle, and so he's going to seize it.

A breath, and he continues: ]

Did they develop because of something I'm lacking?

Edited 2023-10-26 02:49 (UTC)

[How deep do they go? If only he could answer that simply, pacify Yuui, and move onto more pleasant topics. If only this were that simple.

An inhale, long and deep. Yael holds it in his lungs until they begin to burn, and then it silently pours through a narrow gap in his lips. His eyes settle on Yuui's and remain there.]

Far enough for me to know way before he admitted to his crush that the feeling was mutual. I never acted on it. I never will.

[As for Yuui's second question? Yael's hands come up to pap his cheeks, but there they remain, holding him in place. His eyes soften at the edges, spilling over every inch of Yuui's troubled expression. Even now, pallid and sleep deprived, he's beautiful. More and more every day, Yael finds more to love about him.

When Yael finally speaks, his voice is soft in a way it so seldom is. As if caring for a frightened child or tending to a bird with a broken wing, there's unmistakable fondness in his voice beneath all its usual grit.]

Lacking? What haven't you given me?

[ At the very least, he believes Sheza never acted on it and that he never will, but it's still only a bit of salve on the wound. He smiles sheepishly at Sheza, his eyebrows furrowing.

That softness is almost too much, it almost burns. It's a good sort of burn, though, one intertwined tightly with the elation over being able to hear Sheza's voice at all again. ]

I thought that... I had done something wrong. Or that I missed something he had.

[ That there was something Hector had that Fai could never give to Sheza, or that he was being karmically punished for every wrong he's committed during his life. They're feelings that make no sense on the surface, but in the midst of something like this? They're the type of anxieties that someone like Fai would naturally be inclined towards. ]

You...

[Yael's voice drips with all the incredulity and fondness that comes with gently chiding someone you love. That's what he's doing, you know? Pinching Yuui's cheeks, Yael pulls him in for a kiss, the movement well-practiced and fluid, only to stop himself short.

No. Not yet. Until Yuui makes the "first" move and Yael knows he's comfortable with intimacy again, he won't cross that line. Instead, Yael taps their foreheads together, long lashes brushing against Yuui's.]

What could you have done wrong? I'm the idiot here. Besides... With you, I feel like I'm home. I haven't felt that way in years.

[ Kissing Sheza is as easy as breathing, and Fai allows his eyes to flutter closed and—ah. He's restraining himself, isn't he? Thankfully, Fai sees it as what it is: something that Sheza feels he needs to let Fai take the reins on.

So, he allows their foreheads to press together again, letting out a soft sigh. It takes him a few moments to process just exactly what Sheza said, and it surprises him enough that he reaches up to put a hand over one of Sheza's. ]

Despite everything?

[ Despite his memories, or the way that Fai is, or even that punch to the jaw. ]

[Yael closes his eyes and focuses on the gentle push and pull of Yuui's breathing, lifting a hand to tangle their fingers together.]

Despite everything.

[He confirms, but there's a little more to it than that. Yael is silent for a moment, carefully choosing his words. A bit of color tints his cheeks, his admission raw and exposing, but they're words Yuui deserves to hear.]

I think you knocked a few things loose with that punch. Honestly... you made me fall in love with you all over again, memories be damned. You could wipe my memory clean and I'd return to you like a needy dog every time.

[ He sits back, just so he can get a better look at Sheza's face... and so that Sheza can see that he's smiling too. ]

You're cute when you're embarrassed.

[ That isn't the point here, though, is it? ]

I think... I feel the same way. My heart would always know that you're the one it belongs to. [ He squeezes Sheza's hand, hoping that his own admission makes it easier to leave his heart so exposed. ] That's part of the reason why I was so afraid to say it. It's a lot scarier when you're aware of how important it is.

You're one to talk.

[Can it, cutie. Yael leans back so they can both admire each other properly... but the first thought that crosses Yael's mind? "Damn. We're both morons." At least they're morons in love.

Yael can't help himself. Tugging their joined hands up to his lips, he peppers Yuui's with little kisses. He's missed this, missed them.]

There's nothing scarier than giving someone else your heart. Not even the battlefield. Even if you found someone else, someone who could make you a lot happier than me, you'd always have my heart in your hand. That's just how it is.

[ He laughs softly, the little kisses getting him giggly in a way he hasn't felt since he was a teenager. There's a whole flurry of emotions sitting in his chest, threatening to bubble over, and he has to take a breath to steady himself. ]

That's so dramatic.

[ But he knows Sheza has no real reason to lie—he's never been the type, instead choosing to obscure his feelings rather than saying them aloud. Which means hearing them like this is a touch overwhelming. ]

What's gotten into you?

[ His voice wobbles slightly, his head spinning with everything going on. It's too much and not enough. ]

[He covets that hand, coating even the tips of Yuui's fingers with a litany of kisses. Words fail him often and he's a fair bit more taciturn than his expressive boyfriend, but right now...? He feels like words alone aren't enough.

Still, he tries, his smile crooking at one end. His cheeks maintain their soft red flush.]

I'm being honest and telling you how I feel. That's what partners do, right?

[He squeezes Yuui's hand tight.]

I felt lonely for the first time in years when I was trapped in that stuffy casket. All I really wanted to do after realizing I'd fucked up was hold you again. Nothing else could've made me feel better.

[ He bites his lip, teeth worrying at it as he tries to keep his emotions under control. His anger and shock have largely subsided by this point, finally allowing that sadness sitting just below the surface wash over him in a powerful wave.

He's alive, he reminds himself. He's alive, he's alive, he's alive— ]

I felt like I had all of my plans for the future ripped away from me. I thought you did that by choice.

[ Of course he knows what Sheza was thinking now, but at the time? Fai had no idea. Maybe they need to be better at communicating these things in the future, but Fai shelves that thought for the time being. They can get to that.

It's hard to think about the list of items they need to discuss when his vision is getting blurry and his eyes feel incredibly hot. ]

I felt empty. I was angry too, but mostly... I was empty.

[ And some of that hollowness is still there, even if each little press of Sheza's lips to his fingers fills it up some more. He's sure it'll be gone when he knows that this isn't just a dream or hallucination, but right now? That hollow, painful ache in his chest squeezes him tighter and tighter until he has to wipe at his eyes with his free hand. ]

Nothing else would have made me feel better either.

[ Hold me, please. ]

[Yael sees the tears building in Yuui's glossy eyes and holds his breath. He's never seen Yuui cry, nor has he ever wanted to. Still, he has to endure these tears. As the one who caused them, he owes it to Yuui to comfort him until his eyes run dry.

Empty is a feeling they both know well. If Yael can help it, Yuui will never feel that miserable emptiness again, the urge to protect him swelling in his chest so strongly that it hurts.

He can't wait any longer. Catching Yuui's free hand, Yael swats it away to be the one to dry Yuui's tears instead. At the same time, he sharply tugs, bringing Yuui into his arms and folding him up tight in strong, sturdy arms. He's never letting Yuui go again.]

I won't leave your side again. I... [Yael's throat seizes. Fear grips his heart. He pushes past it.] ...I promise.

[ The security of Sheza's arms is enough to finally release the dam that's been keeping his tears at bay, and he lets it go, his shoulders shaking with sobs as he squeezes Sheza as tight as he possibly can. If he squeezes him tight enough, maybe he'll disappear, or maybe Fai can finally believe that he's real and he's here.

But regardless of the outcome, it's a level of vulnerability he's never let Sheza see. Much like Sheza's promise, it's Fai's way of letting him in all the way. ]

You better not. I'll beat you up if you do.

[ His voice is watery and muffled by the fabric of Sheza's clothes, but the emotion behind those words can't be mistaken. He fully intends to hold Sheza to that promise. ]

[Yael is here, solid and real and warm, keeping Yuui safely contained in the comfort of his arms. He combs through his hair with gentle strokes of his fingers, a low laugh rumbling in his throat. Yuui must be feeling better, just a little, if he's willing to threaten him like that.]

Stop wasting energy on empty threats.

[There's a sweetness in Yael's voice reserved only for the ones he loves most. He doesn't dare lift Yuui's tear-stricken face from his chest, but he does plant kiss after kiss in his hair, soothing fingers rubbing along his back.]

I don't make promises I can't keep. Not anymore. That's why you won't catch me making them often.

[ It's a real shame how well this works on him as his sobs die down, but that only means that he needs to say his full piece, and he frowns as he finally pulls back so Sheza can see his tear-stained cheeks and swollen eyes. He looks like a real mess, but Sheza should be able to accept him at his worst like this anyway. ]

Then... prove that you'll keep it through your actions.

[ He's stepping right beside a landmine here, but Sheza should know what this means—words aren't quite enough for him. Sheza needs to act like he remembers their promise. ]

Don't go off doing things like that anymore without telling me, even if you think it's small. Act in a way that lets me know you're actually thinking about me.

[ ... ]

Make it so that I don't have to doubt how much you love me.

[Seeing Yuui like this hurts. It further fragments an already broken heart, but isn't this only appropriate? If he can't endure the results of the damage he's caused, then he doesn't deserve Yuui at all. He doesn't deserve this second chance. Isn't that right?

So he bears with Yuui's scolding knowing he fully deserves it. Yael lowers his head and nods, listening and penitent. Yael thought he'd considered his actions carefully before taking them, but he clearly hadn't. Not nearly enough to matter.]

That's the thing, isn't it? I've damaged your trust in me.

[No reason to beat around the bush here.]

[ He takes a deep, shuddering breath before he nods. It's a confirmation he knows that Sheza very much doesn't want to bear witness to, but he can't lie.

Fai refuses to hide any of his feelings now. There's no going back to obfuscating things for the sake of Sheza's comfort. ]

You have.

[ But he reaches out to take one of Sheza's hands in his own nevertheless. He'll lay his cards out on the table, leave his heart completely bare for Sheza to step on if he likes. It's only fair that he lets Sheza all the way in. ]

Though that doesn't mean it can't be rebuilt, if you're willing to work for that.

[ Because that's the real fact of the matter to Fai here. Does Sheza want to work for that? ]

I want to be with you more than anyone else. I want to get back to our real lives and move in together, for us to travel back to each of our homes together, to find things we like doing together. I want to build a life for us both.

[ Fai sniffles, just a little bit, mildly embarrassed that he can't fully control his own emotions when saying something so important. He persists anyway, however, because he thinks Sheza deserves to hear his full thoughts. He's intentionally kept a lot of his feelings at bay to spare both himself and Sheza, but it's only done them both a disservice in the end. The fact that he thought he never would have been able to tell Sheza how he feels is what propels him further, pushes him to say more.

His fingers squeeze around Sheza's hand nervously. ]

I couldn't say that I love you before because I was afraid of how much I wanted those things. Even though you said you loved me, there was a part of me that was scared that you didn't want all of that as much as I do.

[...If you're willing to work for that. The notion that he might not makes Yael's nose crinkle, eyes briefly narrowing, but his expression neutralizes quickly. He can't argue with that Yuui believes about him now. He's lost his trust, so it's only natural to imagine he's lost much more than that too.

He has a lot of rebuilding to do. Yuui's nervous fingers tighten around his and Yael squeezes right back, not letting him lose his composure and doubt his words. They're words Yael has needed to hear for a long, long time, and more importantly, words Yuui has needed to speak for his own sake.]

...All I can ask you to do is believe what I say, but that's easier said than done. If I have to spend the rest of my life proving to you that I love you, that's fine. That's what I planned on doing anyway.

I'll come to believe what you say. It wasn't hard for me to trust you in the first place, you know.

[ And he doesn't think it'll be all that difficult for him to do so again either. Though... he knows that it'll take some time to trust Sheza again with some things over others. ]

Besides, you won't be the only one proving their love either. After the way I hurt you before, I think it's only fair that I do the same.

[ He smiles softly, reaching up with his free hand to wipe at errant tears. ]

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