Who ⚔ Yael & assorted nerds What ⚔ A dungeon run and other things When ⚔ After the party Where ⚔ Errywhere Content Warnings ⚔ Men with their tits out? Alcohol??? No correlation there surprisingly. nsfw i'm sorry mom
[It's always such a compliment seeing the way Yuui's eyes widen when they first settle over his fully hard cock. No one makes him more aware of his body, and admittedly pleased, as Yuui does. He makes Yael self-conscious in a way that excites and innervates him, settling over Yuui to pepper his cute little face with kisses.]
You make me feel like a king. Spoil me any more and I'll turn into a dictator.
[Or, you know, a dicktator...
But enough of that. Yael lines up, teasing Fai's entrance with the tip of his cock, and gingerly presses in. Slow, nice and slow, letting Yuui acclimate to the girth of his cock. Like this, it feels like their first time all over again, eliciting shivers and little throaty sighs.]
[ If he weren't practically pinned to the bed with his knees over Sheza's shoulders, Fai would wiggle around and fight back against those kisses, but he allows Sheza to indulge, even through the cheesy comment. Just this once.
He doesn't know how he could possibly make Sheza feel like a king, not when Fai is the one that feels like he's got the reins in this relationship, but that he feels like that at all... he'll accept it. As long as Sheza feels good in this relationship, that's all he wants.
With Sheza's size, it's certainly an adjustment as he's stretched open and filled like this for the first time in a while, and he closes his eyes in an attempt to keep himself fully relaxed. It hasn't been so long that he's forgotten what it feels like to have Sheza inside of him, but it's been long enough that his body is more sensitive, his thighs already quivering before they've even gotten started. But this is that closeness he had been seeking, needing, and it makes him forget to breathe for a moment.
Acclimating to Sheza again is a reminder that he's here, that he's alive. With a slightly choked laugh, he opens his eyes to take in Sheza's face. ]
[Good question, Yuui. It's one Yael takes his sweet time answering, allowing himself time to reacclimate to the feeling of being wrapped up in his lover's body. He's itching to move, but he doesn't just yet, laughing a little as he wills his hips to stay for just a little longer.]
Your body. How you feel inside.
[It's a relief, knowing Yuui's body isn't actively resisting him.]
[The tears don't go unnoticed, but how could they? Yael's made one too many mistakes with Yuui in the past, overlooking signs that should have been obvious to him. He won't allow himself to slip up the same way twice.
Yael lifts his hand and thumbs at the hollow beneath Yuui's eye, leaving his palm settled around the curve of his cheek.]
[ He places a hand over Sheza's, smiling up at him. After the last time he tried to bottom, he knows that he needs to quickly assuage Sheza's worry.
This isn't his fault. Although... maybe he'll think that it is. After all, he's the one who went off on his own and put himself into danger.
Fai quickly pushes those negative thoughts out of his mind. He won't let those thoughts ruin this. Vocalizing his feelings can come after the moment is over. ]
I'm glad you're alive... and that this isn't a dream.
[Such sweet words don't feel like his to accept, but Yuui won't be happy if he doesn't. These words were meant for him, after all. But even so, Yael fights to keep the complicated look off his face.
Is it really okay for him to have this? Have Yuui? Rarely do problems resolve so cleanly. There must be something else amiss, something still bothering Yuui, a problem yet to be fixed. Until he knows, Yael can't relax.
[ Leave it to Sheza to pick up on the smallest things, even when he's eight inches deep inside of Fai.
He should have known. ]
We'll talk about it.
[ There's no foreboding tone to his words. It's simply a conversation left when they're not caught up in the heat of arousal. Fai shifts, using his legs to jostle Sheza against him for some semblance of movement. ]
[He should listen to Yuui and savor the moment, shouldn't he? They can leave the tough conversations until after they've had their fill of sex and self-gratification. It'd be nice if Yael could let himself do that, but after the mistakes he's made with Yuui, he isn't willing to misstep and make another.
Yael doesn't move, still as a boulder, even with Yuui's attempts to spur him into motion. Instead, he shakes his head in silent refusal.]
They'll talk about it, but it will ensure they stop. Fai feels somewhat guilty about it, but he knows the negative feelings will only fester, as they are wont to do. ]
I wish you hadn't gone off on your own like that.
[ He's expressed as much, and it shouldn't be a shock to Sheza, but he'll expand on it and effectively ruin this little session. ]
I'm glad to have you back... but your reasons for leaving make me sad. It's hard for one to outweigh the other.
[...Yeah, there's no carrying on after a conversation like this. Yael had already begun to lose his nerve anyway, so he'd rather have the bandaid ripped off than try to force himself through sex knowing Yuui is bothered.
Apologizing wasn't enough, but Yael hadn't expected it to be. Sitting back, he shakes his head, well aware of what a fool he is. Well aware that he can never do something like this again.]
I know. I'd be sad too, if I were you.
[Would he be able to accept an apology, in Yuui's situation? Yael's not convinced he would.]
Don't be in a rush to forgive me. I'll understand if you never can.
[ He lets his legs slide off of Sheza's shoulders and back down onto the bed, his skin suddenly feeling cold now that the fire has been snuffed. ]
...I think I can, eventually.
[ But it will take a long time. Fai glances up at Sheza, but quickly looks away. Fai scoots to the side so Sheza can settle in beside him, the empty space on the mattress a clear invitation for him. He lets silence linger between them for a moment, and then two. ]
When I heard about what happened, I realized that I didn't have as much of your heart as I thought I did.
[ And that? Well, it hurt nearly as bad as his presumed death. ]
[For his part, Yael pulls out of Yuui and backs away. Already going soft, it's not difficult to dress himself, and tempted as he is to put some distance between them, Yael settles beside Yuui instead. Anything else would be the wrong answer.]
Mm. Fair enough.
[Yuui didn't have 100% of his heart. Even if they manage to make amends, it's unlikely that he ever will. Yael doesn't believe anyone could ever hold the entirety of his fractured heart in their palm.]
You want more of it than I have to give.
[Bits and pieces of his heart have broken off along the way and rest in the hands of the people who came before Yuui. Yael can cut Hector off like a severed limb, but unless he does, that man will always hold a little piece of his heart too. Yael won't lie and claim he can fully give himself up to any one person, knowing how much the people in his life had had a hand in shaping the man he is now.]
[ But he's well aware that that's an impossible thing to ask of anyone, much less Sheza. He was previously engaged, after all, and while Fai though he had accepted the fact that he would never have that little piece of Sheza's heart too... the reality of that had never really hit him until recently.
Fai lets his words hand in the silence before he finally adds, quietly: ]
That isn't fair to you though.
[ And it's something he needs to work on on his end. He lets that, too, sink in for Sheza. This is a mess that Fai has a part in, after all. The blame does not solely lay on Sheza's shoulders. ]
[They both know that's an unreasonable ask, but it's one Yael would make too if he weren't so jaded, so certain he could never have all the things he wants. With a sigh, quiet and slow, he shakes his head.]
I wonder if you'll be happy with me in the long-term. There are men out there with far fewer hangups than me.
[ He stares up at the ceiling, part of him too afraid to chance a glance at Sheza, but he slides his hand over to offer it for Sheza to take. ]
It isn't like I don't have a lot of hangups myself.
[ He's been told as much by an ex in the past, and in other various situationships. There are a lot of issues that Fai has suppressed deep, deep down that have surfaced in some way in each relationship he's had.
Sheza just happened to unearth his fear of abandonment. ]
[...It's sad, realizing that he isn't eager to take Yuui's hand, but Yael does anyway. If holding his hand helps Yuui feel even a little bit better, then Yael will do it regardless of his mixed feelings.
That feeling only worsens when Yuui brings more of his fears to light.]
I don't plan on it, but if you can't trust me to stay, that's something you need to figure out.
[And Yael already knows he's lost a significant chunk of Yuui's trust. He can't ask for that back.]
[ He can feel it in the way Sheza holds his hand—there's something missing in the way his fingers curl around Fai's, and it makes his heart ache.
What he thought might ease some of the hurt he feels only makes it worse, but he's stubborn enough not to let go. ]
I don't want to worry that you wish you were with someone else.
[ Sheza has reassured him before that that wasn't the case, but how is he supposed to feel when he goes and risks his life for another man he has feelings for? What would compel him to do something like that in the first place when he was well aware of the risks? Sure, he had a strategy to keep the risk relatively low, but Hien is unpredictable even on a good day. He could have killed the real Sheza in addition to his clone if he was pissed off enough.
So... why? In the silence that follows, he voices the conclusion to his rapid train of thought, almost a non-sequitur in its abruptness: ]
[Yeah, this is pretty far from ideal. They both know the mood is shot to shit, so Yael foregoes the pretenses entirely and lets go of Yuui's hand, sitting up to claim the edge of the bed.
He needs his space. They both do.]
I don't. Do you think I have?
[He's imagined a future with Yuui. The same can't be said for anyone else. Not even Hector. The fact that he's being questioned at all, however, is something Yael can't handle without a bit of anger oozing into his tone.]
Go ahead and fill in the blanks yourself. You can't trust me, so anything I say to you now would be a waste. If you can't take my words at face value, why are you still here?
[ So that's it, is it? Sheza is just going to let go of his hand and move away.
This is what he gets for being honest. Why did Fai expect anything different, just because Sheza told him not to lie so long ago? Fai sits up too, anger a clear undercurrent in his voice. ]
Because I love you, you asshole. Stop making assumptions about the way I feel. How do you know I won't take you at your word?
[Yael takes every bitter word in stride. He's used to taking the brunt of this sort of anger. Though frustration underlines his every word, he doesn't let any of it boil to the surface.]
Because I've told you what went on between me and him. Why do you need to ask when you already know?
Sheza has a point—so much so that it makes Fai quickly deflate. The real answer is that a lot of the security he once felt in their relationship has evaporated, replaced by a gnawing worry that Sheza was unfaithful to him even though he has no evidence to suggest it. His confidence that he's a partner worth having at all has taken a hit too, but...
Voicing his worries has no real point, not if he's sure that doing so will make his fear of driving Sheza away come true. ]
[Got it in one, didn't he? The confirmation hurts Yael too, but he isn't about to make this about himself. He's the one who made this mess and damaged Yuui's trust to begin with.
He doesn't forego contact entirely, turning to seek out Fai's gaze and hold it.]
We both know you're not ready to trust me again. You need to know that I'll work my ass off to regain it, but you shouldn't be in any rush to give it back to me. What I did... It's a wonder you haven't cut me off completely.
[ The temptation to look away is certainly there, but he manages to look into Sheza's eyes in return. It's the least Fai could do. ]
Maybe I'm too forgiving.
[ He's always been too soft-hearted, after all. ]
But... I would have cut you off if you cheated on me, no matter how much I love you.
[ Perhaps some line drawn in the sand will make Sheza feel better in some way, though Fai is saying this for himself as much as he is for Sheza. That is his line, and should Sheza ever cross it, he'll know what to expect. ]
[Yael grins some wry little grin— he can't help but agree. Yuui is too forgiving, but it isn't his fault that bad men like Yael exist. It's just a shame that a soft, genuine heart is all too easily trampled over.]
Good. There's something I used to hear a lot back home: if you love someone, hold them accountable. You shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from me.
[With that, Yael rises, heading towards the bathroom.]
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You make me feel like a king. Spoil me any more and I'll turn into a dictator.
[Or, you know, a dicktator...
But enough of that. Yael lines up, teasing Fai's entrance with the tip of his cock, and gingerly presses in. Slow, nice and slow, letting Yuui acclimate to the girth of his cock. Like this, it feels like their first time all over again, eliciting shivers and little throaty sighs.]
Give me a minute. I'm studying.
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He doesn't know how he could possibly make Sheza feel like a king, not when Fai is the one that feels like he's got the reins in this relationship, but that he feels like that at all... he'll accept it. As long as Sheza feels good in this relationship, that's all he wants.
With Sheza's size, it's certainly an adjustment as he's stretched open and filled like this for the first time in a while, and he closes his eyes in an attempt to keep himself fully relaxed. It hasn't been so long that he's forgotten what it feels like to have Sheza inside of him, but it's been long enough that his body is more sensitive, his thighs already quivering before they've even gotten started. But this is that closeness he had been seeking, needing, and it makes him forget to breathe for a moment.
Acclimating to Sheza again is a reminder that he's here, that he's alive. With a slightly choked laugh, he opens his eyes to take in Sheza's face. ]
What could you possibly be studying?
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Your body. How you feel inside.
[It's a relief, knowing Yuui's body isn't actively resisting him.]
You feeling alright? It's been a while.
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[ Definitely the right answer, because Fai can't begrudge him for wanting to take in the way his body feels. Fai's doing the same, after all. ]
I'm alright. No panic.
[ His eyes are a little watery, though, and his vision is slightly blurry.
But that's for an entirely different reason. ]
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Yael lifts his hand and thumbs at the hollow beneath Yuui's eye, leaving his palm settled around the curve of his cheek.]
What's wrong?
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This isn't his fault. Although... maybe he'll think that it is. After all, he's the one who went off on his own and put himself into danger.
Fai quickly pushes those negative thoughts out of his mind. He won't let those thoughts ruin this. Vocalizing his feelings can come after the moment is over. ]
I'm glad you're alive... and that this isn't a dream.
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Is it really okay for him to have this? Have Yuui? Rarely do problems resolve so cleanly. There must be something else amiss, something still bothering Yuui, a problem yet to be fixed. Until he knows, Yael can't relax.
Yael's fingers settle over Yuui's.]
What else?
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He should have known. ]
We'll talk about it.
[ There's no foreboding tone to his words. It's simply a conversation left when they're not caught up in the heat of arousal. Fai shifts, using his legs to jostle Sheza against him for some semblance of movement. ]
Enjoy this moment with me.
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Yael doesn't move, still as a boulder, even with Yuui's attempts to spur him into motion. Instead, he shakes his head in silent refusal.]
Either we talk about it or we stop. Your call.
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They'll talk about it, but it will ensure they stop. Fai feels somewhat guilty about it, but he knows the negative feelings will only fester, as they are wont to do. ]
I wish you hadn't gone off on your own like that.
[ He's expressed as much, and it shouldn't be a shock to Sheza, but he'll expand on it and effectively ruin this little session. ]
I'm glad to have you back... but your reasons for leaving make me sad. It's hard for one to outweigh the other.
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Apologizing wasn't enough, but Yael hadn't expected it to be. Sitting back, he shakes his head, well aware of what a fool he is. Well aware that he can never do something like this again.]
I know. I'd be sad too, if I were you.
[Would he be able to accept an apology, in Yuui's situation? Yael's not convinced he would.]
Don't be in a rush to forgive me. I'll understand if you never can.
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...I think I can, eventually.
[ But it will take a long time. Fai glances up at Sheza, but quickly looks away. Fai scoots to the side so Sheza can settle in beside him, the empty space on the mattress a clear invitation for him. He lets silence linger between them for a moment, and then two. ]
When I heard about what happened, I realized that I didn't have as much of your heart as I thought I did.
[ And that? Well, it hurt nearly as bad as his presumed death. ]
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Mm. Fair enough.
[Yuui didn't have 100% of his heart. Even if they manage to make amends, it's unlikely that he ever will. Yael doesn't believe anyone could ever hold the entirety of his fractured heart in their palm.]
You want more of it than I have to give.
[Bits and pieces of his heart have broken off along the way and rest in the hands of the people who came before Yuui. Yael can cut Hector off like a severed limb, but unless he does, that man will always hold a little piece of his heart too. Yael won't lie and claim he can fully give himself up to any one person, knowing how much the people in his life had had a hand in shaping the man he is now.]
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[ But he's well aware that that's an impossible thing to ask of anyone, much less Sheza. He was previously engaged, after all, and while Fai though he had accepted the fact that he would never have that little piece of Sheza's heart too... the reality of that had never really hit him until recently.
Fai lets his words hand in the silence before he finally adds, quietly: ]
That isn't fair to you though.
[ And it's something he needs to work on on his end. He lets that, too, sink in for Sheza. This is a mess that Fai has a part in, after all. The blame does not solely lay on Sheza's shoulders. ]
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I wonder if you'll be happy with me in the long-term. There are men out there with far fewer hangups than me.
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[ He stares up at the ceiling, part of him too afraid to chance a glance at Sheza, but he slides his hand over to offer it for Sheza to take. ]
It isn't like I don't have a lot of hangups myself.
[ He's been told as much by an ex in the past, and in other various situationships. There are a lot of issues that Fai has suppressed deep, deep down that have surfaced in some way in each relationship he's had.
Sheza just happened to unearth his fear of abandonment. ]
I'm scared you leave me for real someday.
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That feeling only worsens when Yuui brings more of his fears to light.]
I don't plan on it, but if you can't trust me to stay, that's something you need to figure out.
[And Yael already knows he's lost a significant chunk of Yuui's trust. He can't ask for that back.]
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What he thought might ease some of the hurt he feels only makes it worse, but he's stubborn enough not to let go. ]
I don't want to worry that you wish you were with someone else.
[ Sheza has reassured him before that that wasn't the case, but how is he supposed to feel when he goes and risks his life for another man he has feelings for? What would compel him to do something like that in the first place when he was well aware of the risks? Sure, he had a strategy to keep the risk relatively low, but Hien is unpredictable even on a good day. He could have killed the real Sheza in addition to his clone if he was pissed off enough.
So... why? In the silence that follows, he voices the conclusion to his rapid train of thought, almost a non-sequitur in its abruptness: ]
What... went on between the two of you?
[ Why would you take that risk? ]
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He needs his space. They both do.]
I don't. Do you think I have?
[He's imagined a future with Yuui. The same can't be said for anyone else. Not even Hector. The fact that he's being questioned at all, however, is something Yael can't handle without a bit of anger oozing into his tone.]
Go ahead and fill in the blanks yourself. You can't trust me, so anything I say to you now would be a waste. If you can't take my words at face value, why are you still here?
[That's the risk you take dating a man like me.]
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This is what he gets for being honest. Why did Fai expect anything different, just because Sheza told him not to lie so long ago? Fai sits up too, anger a clear undercurrent in his voice. ]
Because I love you, you asshole. Stop making assumptions about the way I feel. How do you know I won't take you at your word?
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Because I've told you what went on between me and him. Why do you need to ask when you already know?
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Sheza has a point—so much so that it makes Fai quickly deflate. The real answer is that a lot of the security he once felt in their relationship has evaporated, replaced by a gnawing worry that Sheza was unfaithful to him even though he has no evidence to suggest it. His confidence that he's a partner worth having at all has taken a hit too, but...
Voicing his worries has no real point, not if he's sure that doing so will make his fear of driving Sheza away come true. ]
...You're right.
[ So, he acquiesces, his tone resigned. ]
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He doesn't forego contact entirely, turning to seek out Fai's gaze and hold it.]
We both know you're not ready to trust me again. You need to know that I'll work my ass off to regain it, but you shouldn't be in any rush to give it back to me. What I did... It's a wonder you haven't cut me off completely.
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Maybe I'm too forgiving.
[ He's always been too soft-hearted, after all. ]
But... I would have cut you off if you cheated on me, no matter how much I love you.
[ Perhaps some line drawn in the sand will make Sheza feel better in some way, though Fai is saying this for himself as much as he is for Sheza. That is his line, and should Sheza ever cross it, he'll know what to expect. ]
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Good. There's something I used to hear a lot back home: if you love someone, hold them accountable. You shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from me.
[With that, Yael rises, heading towards the bathroom.]
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