Who ⚔ Yael & assorted nerds What ⚔ A dungeon run and other things When ⚔ After the party Where ⚔ Errywhere Content Warnings ⚔ Men with their tits out? Alcohol??? No correlation there surprisingly. nsfw i'm sorry mom
[They both know that's an unreasonable ask, but it's one Yael would make too if he weren't so jaded, so certain he could never have all the things he wants. With a sigh, quiet and slow, he shakes his head.]
I wonder if you'll be happy with me in the long-term. There are men out there with far fewer hangups than me.
[ He stares up at the ceiling, part of him too afraid to chance a glance at Sheza, but he slides his hand over to offer it for Sheza to take. ]
It isn't like I don't have a lot of hangups myself.
[ He's been told as much by an ex in the past, and in other various situationships. There are a lot of issues that Fai has suppressed deep, deep down that have surfaced in some way in each relationship he's had.
Sheza just happened to unearth his fear of abandonment. ]
[...It's sad, realizing that he isn't eager to take Yuui's hand, but Yael does anyway. If holding his hand helps Yuui feel even a little bit better, then Yael will do it regardless of his mixed feelings.
That feeling only worsens when Yuui brings more of his fears to light.]
I don't plan on it, but if you can't trust me to stay, that's something you need to figure out.
[And Yael already knows he's lost a significant chunk of Yuui's trust. He can't ask for that back.]
[ He can feel it in the way Sheza holds his hand—there's something missing in the way his fingers curl around Fai's, and it makes his heart ache.
What he thought might ease some of the hurt he feels only makes it worse, but he's stubborn enough not to let go. ]
I don't want to worry that you wish you were with someone else.
[ Sheza has reassured him before that that wasn't the case, but how is he supposed to feel when he goes and risks his life for another man he has feelings for? What would compel him to do something like that in the first place when he was well aware of the risks? Sure, he had a strategy to keep the risk relatively low, but Hien is unpredictable even on a good day. He could have killed the real Sheza in addition to his clone if he was pissed off enough.
So... why? In the silence that follows, he voices the conclusion to his rapid train of thought, almost a non-sequitur in its abruptness: ]
[Yeah, this is pretty far from ideal. They both know the mood is shot to shit, so Yael foregoes the pretenses entirely and lets go of Yuui's hand, sitting up to claim the edge of the bed.
He needs his space. They both do.]
I don't. Do you think I have?
[He's imagined a future with Yuui. The same can't be said for anyone else. Not even Hector. The fact that he's being questioned at all, however, is something Yael can't handle without a bit of anger oozing into his tone.]
Go ahead and fill in the blanks yourself. You can't trust me, so anything I say to you now would be a waste. If you can't take my words at face value, why are you still here?
[ So that's it, is it? Sheza is just going to let go of his hand and move away.
This is what he gets for being honest. Why did Fai expect anything different, just because Sheza told him not to lie so long ago? Fai sits up too, anger a clear undercurrent in his voice. ]
Because I love you, you asshole. Stop making assumptions about the way I feel. How do you know I won't take you at your word?
[Yael takes every bitter word in stride. He's used to taking the brunt of this sort of anger. Though frustration underlines his every word, he doesn't let any of it boil to the surface.]
Because I've told you what went on between me and him. Why do you need to ask when you already know?
Sheza has a point—so much so that it makes Fai quickly deflate. The real answer is that a lot of the security he once felt in their relationship has evaporated, replaced by a gnawing worry that Sheza was unfaithful to him even though he has no evidence to suggest it. His confidence that he's a partner worth having at all has taken a hit too, but...
Voicing his worries has no real point, not if he's sure that doing so will make his fear of driving Sheza away come true. ]
[Got it in one, didn't he? The confirmation hurts Yael too, but he isn't about to make this about himself. He's the one who made this mess and damaged Yuui's trust to begin with.
He doesn't forego contact entirely, turning to seek out Fai's gaze and hold it.]
We both know you're not ready to trust me again. You need to know that I'll work my ass off to regain it, but you shouldn't be in any rush to give it back to me. What I did... It's a wonder you haven't cut me off completely.
[ The temptation to look away is certainly there, but he manages to look into Sheza's eyes in return. It's the least Fai could do. ]
Maybe I'm too forgiving.
[ He's always been too soft-hearted, after all. ]
But... I would have cut you off if you cheated on me, no matter how much I love you.
[ Perhaps some line drawn in the sand will make Sheza feel better in some way, though Fai is saying this for himself as much as he is for Sheza. That is his line, and should Sheza ever cross it, he'll know what to expect. ]
[Yael grins some wry little grin— he can't help but agree. Yuui is too forgiving, but it isn't his fault that bad men like Yael exist. It's just a shame that a soft, genuine heart is all too easily trampled over.]
Good. There's something I used to hear a lot back home: if you love someone, hold them accountable. You shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from me.
[With that, Yael rises, heading towards the bathroom.]
[ He staggers up out of bed and follows Sheza, giving him a little push on the shoulder from behind. ]
I won't, not anymore. Cheat on me and I will key your car, trash your house, and tell every single person you know what you did. Be thankful you're a faithful man despite your feelings.
[ Fai pauses, smiling a little. ]
I'll key your car if you develop feelings for another person again, though.
[What, is Yuui going to join him in the bath or just hold his head under the water until he's suffered enough brain damage to behave himself? Yael doesn't mind either way, nodding along languidly as he nudges the bathroom door open and steps inside, making a beeline to the tub.]
Light me on fire while you're at it.
[He'd off himself before Yuui had the chance to do any of that. The guilt would eat him down to the bone.]
Besides... I only have room for one crazy blond in my life. Don't take me for the type who bites off more than they can chew.
[Drawing the bath, Yael ambles over to the sink to grab some salts and scrubs. He feels like shit. Scrubbing himself raw won't clean the tar from his soul, but his body is a good start.]
[ Jealousy would drive him far enough to pop three of Sheza's tires, but never to the point he'd get physical. Not unless it was sex.
Fai stands back, watching him grab the salts with a pang of guilt. Are they for Fai, or is Sheza really doing that poorly that he's resorting to bath products to soothe him? ]
...I didn't take you for a scrub kind of guy. You looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for bath salts once.
[Getting sexually harassed by Yuui sounds like a good time, but that isn't the kind of retaliation Yael would expect from him, so three popped tires it is. As for the scrubs and his supposed poor condition: yeah, he's not doing too hot, but neither of them should pretend to be surprised. Yael is the villain here of his own admission, but he isn't going to pretend like he isn't stressed over the mess he's made.
As the tub gradually fills, Yael swirls in bath salts with the flat of his palm, noncommittal in the way he addresses Yuui's curiosity.]
You're the one who said they're good for clearing your sinuses. I'm stuffed up.
[Stuffed up, backed up, whatever. He just needs to decompress, so he'll take Yuui's advice and use something to help with that. Nothing to raise concerns over.]
[ And yet here he is, concerned anyway. Fai stands awkwardly in the doorway, watching as Sheza swirls in the salts. Reaching out to take his hand would normally be the right answer here, but Fai feels like that this time, it isn't.
Sheza needs space sometimes, and maybe this is one of those instances. ]
Want some help with the scrubs? I could get your back for you.
[ It's an offer he's extending so that Sheza doesn't have to ask for company if that is what he really wants. However, this is also his chance to say no, too, and Fai will leave him be. ]
[He'd rather be alone, frankly. What stops Yael is foresight— if he continues to push Yuui away, he'll leave, eventually. His need for distance doesn't negate his need to nurture what remains of their relationship in the hopes it will grow back strong and healthy, so to that end, he'll compromise.
Yael, slow to respond, shuts off the tap and lowers himself into the tub. It's then that he turns to offer his back to Yuui, prominent and scarred to hell. Knock yourself out.]
[ He considers leaving in those brief moments between Sheza lowering himself into the tub and before he’s presented his back. It’s strange, his heart going from aching to pounding wildly in his chest. Maybe it’s the way Sheza makes him feel so many things that makes it so easy for him to tolerate the hurt.
Fai doesn’t dwell on it, though, as he pads toward the tub, picking up the scrub sitting on the floor next to it. He checks the scent, memorizing it for another day, before he twists the lid.
But before he scoops any out, he presses a kiss to Sheza’s shoulder.
Then, he gets to work, wordlessly smoothing his hands over those scars before he rubs the scrub in. ]
How’s it feel?
[ Does it feel wrong, having Fai work to scrub away some of the guilt he was hoping to wash away alone? ]
[It should feel good. On a purely physical level, it does, but Yuui's touch has Yael all twisted up on the inside.
He doesn't deserve these hands. He doesn't deserve this gentle treatment. When Yuui's lips grace his shoulder, Yael squeezes his eyes firmly shut. After a time, he musters up the wherewithal to answer.]
Good. Your hands are a lot softer than mine.
[They've always been a welcome comfort against his skin. He should keep his trap shut, but...]
[ Ah. The thought of Sheza returning the favor makes his heart race. Is it a good idea? He isn’t sure, but he can’t stop an answer from tumbling past his lips anyway: ]
I’d like that.
[ A lot, actually.
Fai starts to rinse the scrub off of Sheza’s back, smoothing his hands along his skin afterwards. ]
Wow~ Nice and soft. You should do this more often.
[If it isn't a good idea, he trusts Yuui to say something. Yael, if nothing else, hasn't lost an ounce of faith in his lover.
He can't feel his back as easily as Yuui can, but he can reach a hand up and around to get a rough idea. Ah, soft like a baby's ass. Yael nods his approval, silently scooting to one side to make room for Yuui in the bath.]
You think the scars will come off if you rub them hard enough?
[ It’s a good thing he didn’t get dressed earlier because it’s easy to slip into the tub by Sheza. ]
Maybe, but I’d like for them to stay if I have any say in the matter.
[ He’s gotten so used to seeing them on Sheza’s body that it would be strange to see them suddenly gone. Scars like those are a reminder of the past and the things he’s been through.
With a slight pause marred with hesitation, he finally decides to ask: ]
[Yael will never understand what other people see in his scars. To him, they're a reminder of his turbulent past. They're nothing worth paying any special attention to, but he resists the urge to sigh when Yuui asks about their origins. He heard that hesitation in his voice.]
There's a lot of them. This might take a while.
[This is Yuui's chance to rethink his question. Does he really want to know? While he waits for the inevitable confirmation, Yael motions for Yuui to turn and present his back.]
[That's the answer he expected. There are no tired, resigned sighs from Yael. Instead, as he salts his hands and begins scrubbing away, he closes his eyes and thinks back as far as his mind will take him.]
...I was a disobedient kid. I talked back to my adoptive father as soon as I knew I could. He'd whip me to keep me in line, but I never did shape up too well.
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I wonder if you'll be happy with me in the long-term. There are men out there with far fewer hangups than me.
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[ He stares up at the ceiling, part of him too afraid to chance a glance at Sheza, but he slides his hand over to offer it for Sheza to take. ]
It isn't like I don't have a lot of hangups myself.
[ He's been told as much by an ex in the past, and in other various situationships. There are a lot of issues that Fai has suppressed deep, deep down that have surfaced in some way in each relationship he's had.
Sheza just happened to unearth his fear of abandonment. ]
I'm scared you leave me for real someday.
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That feeling only worsens when Yuui brings more of his fears to light.]
I don't plan on it, but if you can't trust me to stay, that's something you need to figure out.
[And Yael already knows he's lost a significant chunk of Yuui's trust. He can't ask for that back.]
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What he thought might ease some of the hurt he feels only makes it worse, but he's stubborn enough not to let go. ]
I don't want to worry that you wish you were with someone else.
[ Sheza has reassured him before that that wasn't the case, but how is he supposed to feel when he goes and risks his life for another man he has feelings for? What would compel him to do something like that in the first place when he was well aware of the risks? Sure, he had a strategy to keep the risk relatively low, but Hien is unpredictable even on a good day. He could have killed the real Sheza in addition to his clone if he was pissed off enough.
So... why? In the silence that follows, he voices the conclusion to his rapid train of thought, almost a non-sequitur in its abruptness: ]
What... went on between the two of you?
[ Why would you take that risk? ]
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He needs his space. They both do.]
I don't. Do you think I have?
[He's imagined a future with Yuui. The same can't be said for anyone else. Not even Hector. The fact that he's being questioned at all, however, is something Yael can't handle without a bit of anger oozing into his tone.]
Go ahead and fill in the blanks yourself. You can't trust me, so anything I say to you now would be a waste. If you can't take my words at face value, why are you still here?
[That's the risk you take dating a man like me.]
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This is what he gets for being honest. Why did Fai expect anything different, just because Sheza told him not to lie so long ago? Fai sits up too, anger a clear undercurrent in his voice. ]
Because I love you, you asshole. Stop making assumptions about the way I feel. How do you know I won't take you at your word?
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Because I've told you what went on between me and him. Why do you need to ask when you already know?
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Sheza has a point—so much so that it makes Fai quickly deflate. The real answer is that a lot of the security he once felt in their relationship has evaporated, replaced by a gnawing worry that Sheza was unfaithful to him even though he has no evidence to suggest it. His confidence that he's a partner worth having at all has taken a hit too, but...
Voicing his worries has no real point, not if he's sure that doing so will make his fear of driving Sheza away come true. ]
...You're right.
[ So, he acquiesces, his tone resigned. ]
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He doesn't forego contact entirely, turning to seek out Fai's gaze and hold it.]
We both know you're not ready to trust me again. You need to know that I'll work my ass off to regain it, but you shouldn't be in any rush to give it back to me. What I did... It's a wonder you haven't cut me off completely.
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Maybe I'm too forgiving.
[ He's always been too soft-hearted, after all. ]
But... I would have cut you off if you cheated on me, no matter how much I love you.
[ Perhaps some line drawn in the sand will make Sheza feel better in some way, though Fai is saying this for himself as much as he is for Sheza. That is his line, and should Sheza ever cross it, he'll know what to expect. ]
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Good. There's something I used to hear a lot back home: if you love someone, hold them accountable. You shouldn't tolerate bad behavior from me.
[With that, Yael rises, heading towards the bathroom.]
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I won't, not anymore. Cheat on me and I will key your car, trash your house, and tell every single person you know what you did. Be thankful you're a faithful man despite your feelings.
[ Fai pauses, smiling a little. ]
I'll key your car if you develop feelings for another person again, though.
[ He's kidding. Mostly. ]
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Light me on fire while you're at it.
[He'd off himself before Yuui had the chance to do any of that. The guilt would eat him down to the bone.]
Besides... I only have room for one crazy blond in my life. Don't take me for the type who bites off more than they can chew.
[Drawing the bath, Yael ambles over to the sink to grab some salts and scrubs. He feels like shit. Scrubbing himself raw won't clean the tar from his soul, but his body is a good start.]
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[ Jealousy would drive him far enough to pop three of Sheza's tires, but never to the point he'd get physical. Not unless it was sex.
Fai stands back, watching him grab the salts with a pang of guilt. Are they for Fai, or is Sheza really doing that poorly that he's resorting to bath products to soothe him? ]
...I didn't take you for a scrub kind of guy. You looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for bath salts once.
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As the tub gradually fills, Yael swirls in bath salts with the flat of his palm, noncommittal in the way he addresses Yuui's curiosity.]
You're the one who said they're good for clearing your sinuses. I'm stuffed up.
[Stuffed up, backed up, whatever. He just needs to decompress, so he'll take Yuui's advice and use something to help with that. Nothing to raise concerns over.]
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Sheza needs space sometimes, and maybe this is one of those instances. ]
Want some help with the scrubs? I could get your back for you.
[ It's an offer he's extending so that Sheza doesn't have to ask for company if that is what he really wants. However, this is also his chance to say no, too, and Fai will leave him be. ]
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Yael, slow to respond, shuts off the tap and lowers himself into the tub. It's then that he turns to offer his back to Yuui, prominent and scarred to hell. Knock yourself out.]
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Fai doesn’t dwell on it, though, as he pads toward the tub, picking up the scrub sitting on the floor next to it. He checks the scent, memorizing it for another day, before he twists the lid.
But before he scoops any out, he presses a kiss to Sheza’s shoulder.
Then, he gets to work, wordlessly smoothing his hands over those scars before he rubs the scrub in. ]
How’s it feel?
[ Does it feel wrong, having Fai work to scrub away some of the guilt he was hoping to wash away alone? ]
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He doesn't deserve these hands. He doesn't deserve this gentle treatment. When Yuui's lips grace his shoulder, Yael squeezes his eyes firmly shut. After a time, he musters up the wherewithal to answer.]
Good. Your hands are a lot softer than mine.
[They've always been a welcome comfort against his skin. He should keep his trap shut, but...]
...I'll return the favor, if you want.
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I’d like that.
[ A lot, actually.
Fai starts to rinse the scrub off of Sheza’s back, smoothing his hands along his skin afterwards. ]
Wow~ Nice and soft. You should do this more often.
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He can't feel his back as easily as Yuui can, but he can reach a hand up and around to get a rough idea. Ah, soft like a baby's ass. Yael nods his approval, silently scooting to one side to make room for Yuui in the bath.]
You think the scars will come off if you rub them hard enough?
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Maybe, but I’d like for them to stay if I have any say in the matter.
[ He’s gotten so used to seeing them on Sheza’s body that it would be strange to see them suddenly gone. Scars like those are a reminder of the past and the things he’s been through.
With a slight pause marred with hesitation, he finally decides to ask: ]
How did you get them?
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There's a lot of them. This might take a while.
[This is Yuui's chance to rethink his question. Does he really want to know? While he waits for the inevitable confirmation, Yael motions for Yuui to turn and present his back.]
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...
He should know these things if they want to stay together. So as he turns around so Sheza can start to scrub his back, he steels his resolve. ]
That's fine with me.
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...I was a disobedient kid. I talked back to my adoptive father as soon as I knew I could. He'd whip me to keep me in line, but I never did shape up too well.
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