altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes

( It takes a few moments, but there's the sound of Mithrun's now-uneven gait soon enough, coming to open the door.

He looks - pale, like someone suffering a migraine; brows scrunched up, expression an echo of a grimace. That text conversation had taken a toll on him, in some way, apparently - amplified by the burden of the meeting not long before. His room is genuinely empty barring his guild inventory chest, so Barrett can guess from the faint redness along one side of Mithrun's face he was just lying on the ground until Barrett came.

But still, his expression grows very faintly more awake when Barrett arrives, like he'd been in a stupor. )

... Barrett. Did you want to go to your room?

( His empty room is fine, but he doesn't know if Barrett would want to occupy it. )

[Barrett himself looks worse for wear, purple and red smattering the whole front of his face where someone has done their best to splint and bandage the bridge of his nose. The rest of his complexion looks entirely washed out, struggling to hold his head up straight.

A pause, a swallow, reaching his hand out for Morgan to take.]

Yes. Please. Don't stay alone in there.

( His brow furrows when he sees the injury - especially knowing it can't be healed. He takes his hand without hesitation, and with surprising motivation given what he's been like lately, he begins to pull them to Barrett's room. Still, what buoys him is relief. That Barrett came; that Barrett stays with him, at least for now. )

Does it hurt?

( He glances up at his face - the headache, and his broken nose. )

Edited 2023-10-13 11:04 (UTC)

[Ah. He won't fight Morgan's insistence to take the lead towards his room, the door already unlocked when they reach it.]

Mn. We've done everything we can. I hope...

I hope Hani is okay, though. [He heard the crack. Would they be able to function now? Would it be his fault?

He shakes that thought off, pulling the door closed behind them and immediately turning the lights off.]

Here. Stay with me. We're gonna lay down for a little bit. Okay?

( He recognizes that guilt in Barrett's expression, and it's hard to console - Barrett did have that outburst, and he did hurt Hani, and did try to hurt Sinclair.

But right now, he's with Barrett. He squeezes his hand. I'm here, I'm here. )

... Okay.

( Here, he returns the reigns to Barrett. Barrett clearly has something in mind, so he'll let Barrett guide him; once they get on the bed, though, it'll be hard to keep him from keeping close or climbing on him, unless Barrett has something else in mind for how they should be arranged. )

[He doesn't fight it when Morgan's first instinct is to climb on top of him. Barrett just moves himself backward as he frees up the corner of one of the blankets. His posture rests up just slightly against the pillows, limbs open - a normal view, one that waits for Morgan to decide how he wants to lay down before proceeding.]

( There's things he still wants to ask him. Where that explosive anger came from, why he and Levi called Lily their sibling, where Barrett goes in the morning, why Barrett runs so doggedly, what Lily's hiding with Barrett's gag order and his headaches...

So many questions, but in this moment they sink into the room's white noise as he shifts comfortable over him, tucking up his chest against the crook of his neck, arms wrapped loosely around him. The usual, comfortable thing - Mithrun's habit, now.

Murmuring: )

... Thanks.

( For a lot of things. Being with him, coming for him, not letting him be alone. Promising, hearing him out - everything. He feels steady, even when everything in his head in turbulence. He feels okay, even with doubt in his heart. Even if he's too much of a sieve to feel satisfied. He's happy, right now, however small. And this feels real. )

[A hush is all that answers him at first, gentle and quiet. Barrett doesn't dare touch Morgan's head if his headache is still anywhere near as bad as his own, if not worse. But he carefully drapes the blanket overtop them, another layer to keep the sound and light at bay, letting his hands wrap around Morgan's waist underneath the fabric as he takes in slow, steady breaths.

The weight of him feels so much lighter today. As though he might vanish into thin air if Barrett didn't hold on tight.

...]

...Hey. Can you try something with me?

You can stay still and keep your eyes closed if you need to.

... Okay.

( He closes his eyes, comfortable beneath the warmth of the blanket and the warmth of Barrett's body. He wonders if this feels all right for Barrett, too. )

I'm ready.

[He can feel the gnaw of his stomach, both in hunger and fear, a rolling sensation that stays at bay under the press of Morgan's body.]

Could you tell me some things you hear right now?

[A quiet repeat of their time on the beach, even if Morgan couldn't remember.]

Edited 2023-10-13 12:11 (UTC)

( He's quiet for a few moments, focusing on his task. )

... I hear us breathing. I hear... the sheets shifting, very slightly. I hear, I heard, your voice.

( It's quiet in the guild hall right now. But he's trying to focus on the environment, pull out what he can. )

Mhmm. How about what you can feel? With your body?

[He keeps his breathing even, his touch firm, eyes settling closed and clearing his throat through a cough that tastes like blood.]

( *tucking up his **head against the crook of Barrett's neck... sleep crime typos.......

His brows furrow as Barrett clears his throat, concerned.

He doesn't have to think on this one much at all. )

... You. The sheets, your clothes - but you, most of all. You're warm. You're firm, but soft.

[One of his hands slowly moves up Morgan's back, the full press of his forearm slowly stretched across his shoulders, keeping him close.]

The air is colder outside the bed. Can you tell?

( Quiet, focusing... Shifting to get that much more comfortable in Barrett's arms, like a puzzle piece fit against him. )

... I think so. I can feel how warm your neck is against my head, and how the side without you is cool.

( ... )

... We... did this at Twilight Shoreline once, didn't we? You kissed me...

( It feels a little vague in his memory, but... )

[...

He leans in to press a kiss to Morgan's hair, grip tightening slightly.]

It was in Malibu. On a Thursday.

We were on the beach together. The sun was setting, just like Twlight Shoreline. But you could see all the houses down the beach. You could see your back porch. Hani was wearing red that day. Cael was out there, on his wheelchair.

You'd only been out of the hospital for a couple days. I couldn't stay long, because I had a football game that weekend. But I flew out to see you, from Berkeley.

We took our shoes off, and we walked through the water. We talked about this then. Closing your eyes and finding things you smell and touch and taste and hear. Things to help you remember... you're here.

...I kissed you then. You asked me to stay, and I... told you no, back then.

( His heart falters.

Mithrun is quiet, listening. It feels familiar; and yet, foreign, and strange. He tries to imagine what Barrett's seeing; tries to place them on some Malibu beach, but - he can't picture it. He knows of Malibu. He doesn't know its beaches.

Barrett remembers the same beats, the same feelings - almost. But it's different. There's a disconnect. And only Mithrun knows the version he lived, the version he remembers. He can't even share that with Barrett. That's hard. )

... Why?

Edited 2023-10-13 22:17 (UTC)

...

I was scared.

[It's a careful admission, the words barely stringing together, fragile in their weight.]

I knew what you wanted more than you could want a life with me. When I thought about having to watch you be so angry for what was left of your life, and have to watch you walk to your own death because nothing else mattered more to you...

...

I didn't feel strong enough. All I could think about was what happened to Lily. And I knew that... even if I told you yes, and stood by you, I wouldn't ever treat you the same. I wouldn't give you the care you deserve, because I think... I would be too afraid you would be gone before I could have the chance to live a life with you. To tell you how much I loved you someday.

...I didn't want to do that to you. To treat you like that.

( oh, love

He thinks he understands now - what he said about the professor. He holds this all quiet in his head, his chest feeling a little sick. Then, he... lifts his head, propping himself on his elbows, and he - takes Barrett's face in both his hands, very gently, his expression mixed; a tinge of loneliness, a strange look of fear, and then - strangely bright clarity, in his one good eye. )

... But I don't want that anymore. So... you could stay with me, if you wanted. You don't have to be afraid anymore.

...

Morgan...

[He meets that look with one that's pained, confused, exhausted. There's a flicker of frustration, though he tries to swallow it down, letting one of his hands come to rest overtop Morgan's touch.]

I'm sorry. There's... a lot to be afraid of now.

If that isn't what you want anymore, do... do you know why? Do you know what you DO want?

Edited 2023-10-13 22:48 (UTC)

( His hands fall from Barrett's face. )

... Again...

( "No" again. But some part of him knew that'd be Barrett's answer.

He lets his face drop, his forehead against the crook between collarbone and neck, and he's quiet. He's quiet, he's quiet.

He knew, he knows. )

... Mm. I'm starting to remember what I'm for.

( He doesn't say anything else right now. )

[The cold silence sits, as though something irreparably wrong had just been said. The distance grows despite how close they are, and Barrett finds his anger rising. Not at Morgan. But at himself. Why had he bothered to say those things? What could he even do here? He was supposed to be getting better. Stronger, for this. For this. Was he never going to be good enough?

Maybe this was his punishment?

...

...]

...

Would you tell me?

I want to understand. But I'm afraid right now because I don't understand, Morgan. I don't... know what it is that's making you feel this way.

[His face leans into silver locks, his arms still keeping him held tight. Like trying to hold onto a flame that doesn't want to be contained. Trying not to snuff it out, but fearing it might escape and disappear.]

We wanted to do this together. I told you, I don't want to run away from you.

Please. [A plea.] Please talk to me.

( He's quiet for a long while, smothered in his arms.

Eventually, he speaks, though his face does not lift, though his voice strains with some pain: )

... I spoke to Lily... and he helped me remember...

( He inhales, his breath shaky; his head pounds, but he still speaks. )

... My purpose... to love and be unloved... To be loved and fail to love in return... To witness these things in others... Here, in this world...

( He swallows hard, feeling - the loss, the barrage of loss, the shift, the turbulent changes, with every word he speaks. And still, he speaks: )

... He told me my name...

( Not asked, told.

Suddenly there's a jerk - a deep guttural yowl like an animal, where he presses his palms to his forehead to soothe it. He's breathing hard, shuddering, pained. That was a lot. That took away a lot.

He shouldn't have told Barrett any of this, but he can't help but want to think that if he tells him enough, he'll tell him "yes," in turn. Even knowing he won't, even knowing he won't. )

... But your fear is stronger than how much you want to be with me...

...!

[His arms immediately release when Morgan screeches in pain - Barrett crawling back slightly, sitting up, hands against Morgan's shoulders, trying to get a better look at what's happening. Why is Morgan in so much pain?? What happened, what happened--]

Morgan... Morgan, shh... [He doesn't want to continue this conversation. He wants to ease this pain, he wants to take it back. Something horrific is happening to Morgan, and Lily... was this really Lily? Why would...

...

No. No, he said he wouldn't run.

His hands find Morgan's face - not pulling Morgan to him, but curling against him, resting his own skull against Morgan's, not wanting to stop the touch. He's here, he wants to be here, how does he explain--]

I'm scared because I don't want to be without you, Morgan. I don't. And I feel like... like no matter what I do, I can't keep you.

What do I have to do to keep you??

( The proximity helps. The physical comfort helps. The words help. He hears him, vaguely, his breath shuddering awful, his head a swamp, a swamp, of ones and zeroes.

When he speaks, his voice is weak - struggling beneath the weight, but refusing to be snuffed out - weak, but soft; and that much, at least, is his intention. He isn't gone yet. )

... What does "keeping" me look like... to you? What does... when you close your eyes, and you think of it— what do you see?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject