altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes

( It doesn't dismiss the pain or the feeling of loss, but he thinks he likes Barrett's hand there better than not. He seems to press into the touch, instinctive, as Barrett strokes his ear - it's pretty soft, like a long-haired cat's fur. Softe catte... )

... Mm. I wonder if there's traces of your past memories in your messages. That's what Sinclair suggested to me. I wonder if the memories you forgot were fake, ( you know, like Mithrun's! ) or...

( He trails off, considering - thinking about Barrett's question. )

... Sinclair said I visited him in a place called Seattle. I went to the sharehouse he lived in... He was trying to get me to work at his company, instead of... doing revenge? ( Unsure. ) He said he visited me in Malibu, he said I had an apartment there, a brother... And there was someone who killed his family - someone I was trying to help him kill...

( He closes his eyes. )

I don't remember those things.

Edited 2023-10-14 06:58 (UTC)

...I don't know. I don't feel anything is fake. But... there's a lot that feels fuzzy. Like I slept through it or something.

...I'll have to look.

[Later. Not now. For now, he strokes Morgan's ear slowly, letting his fingertips find his way into silver locks.]

Did Sinclair telling you all that... did it help? I know your Malibu apartment. That's where I went to see you, too. Where we went to the beach.

... Tell me what you find.

( This, he says with no particular motive, besides a pulsing desire to be there for Barrett. At least Barrett wouldn't feel alone. At least he'd have somewhere to be vulnerable, if he let himself be.

If Mithrun could purr soft, he might just be. His body language, from his ears to the expression on his face, is very much like a content cat. )

Help... Did it help me remember, you mean? ... No. You still don't remember your family despite what I've said, right...?

( Same hat, it seems. )

... But I'm fine with what I've forgotten. As long as I still remember the important things... Even though I don't like that it's not the same as you remember it...

( ... )

... Where do you go when you disappear suddenly? Like... you did in front of me and Nanashi. Why did he give you that power?

[He hums his acknowledgement, continuing the gentle stroking as they talk.]

I wish there was a way to help bring it back... but I'm glad things are written down. I want us to be able to help you realize what's true.

[As for the other question:]

...It's a special place, just for him -- [Another slight wince, tightening his face and his voice with a bracing of his body underneath Morgan, screwing up his eyes and forcing the words out with an exhale.] -- where I... I always see him. Where I wanted to take you if he'd said yes...

[At least this doesn't seem to hurt as much as some other topics. He just feels odd. Disconnected. Irritated. It leaves him a little grumpy, frowning slightly as he exhales.]

He wanted us to have a way to reach him, besides the gates. He doesn't trust CCCorp at all.

( His eyes open some so he can focus better on that circular kneading... It's bad of him to ask knowing it'll cause Barrett pain - but he won't let there be distance between the two of them, even if it hurts them both to try.

Mithrun, if anything, is taking Barrett's pain seriously. He's grateful he's sharing these things with him, despite the cost. None of this changes anything to know - but the lessening distance puts Mithrun at ease. )

... I don't think he trusts me. Despite what he told me. Despite calling me "dear." ( Pursed lips. He really isn't sure if that was sarcastic on Lily's part or not, but he also thinks that what he is is probably of some use, or else Lily wouldn't have— ) I wonder if it's because I have too many of my memories, still...

( Lily could've contacted him at any time - if he wanted Mithrun in this locked room, he would've already invited him. Mithrun knew this, even when he asked Barrett to get permission to hold open the door for him.

But if Lily hypothetically considers what he is useful, then he ought want him near. Right? There's no reason not to invite him, or not have invited him sooner. That he refuses despite this fact means that the issue is Mithrun - his projected personality. His false memories. And that he didn't remove those memories sooner must mean that their purpose was still important up until this point... )

... When you said something had "happened" last time - when you said he said no to letting me in... What made you think that? Was he acting strange...?

...Why would you have too many memories? He... he hasn't had an issue with the rest of us... mmngh-- [The discomfort starts to sting, enough to buckle him a bit against Morgan's hands. It's there he stays as he shakes his head to the next set of questions.]

Someone else got invited in. It went bad. Lily... Lily didn't want it to repeat. So he said he wouldn't allow anyone else...

[Ah, but this pressure building in his head... one of his hands grabs for the sheets of the bed, digging in hard through the discomfort and disorientation.]

( ah,

His rub shifts into a proper hold, cradling his head as he rubs his temples with his thumbs. )

... Do you want me to stop?

[There's a pained moment of silence as the dizziness settles. But he shakes his head fervently as soon as it passes.]

I can take it.

I'm tired of hiding.

( aggression doki... )

... One more about Lily. I can ask anything else later.

( He presses his face in against the pillow, turning in just enough to press a kiss behind the curve of Barrett's jaw, right where it meets the ear. A strangely intimate, secret kiss. Something just for the two of them. )

Why did you and Levi call him family?

( The obvious answer is because they consider him family, but... Mithrun wants to hear it from Barrett's lips, instead of assuming. He doesn't want to make assumptions about him anymore. )

...

What he wants matters a lot to both of us. Being thrown away by a father who hated you. Not wanting him to hurt anyone else the way you've been hurt--
[A sharp inhale, quickened breath, pressing his face away from Morgan as he rides it, a punishment for honesty, swearing under his breath the entire time.] W-we've been through the same thing he has. It's why he reached out to us...

...

I can't talk for Levi. I don't know his family's past at all. But...

He's not my Lily. Not Lilith. [A standin. A remembrance. But not a replacement.] But... I don't want to abandon him.

Edited 2023-10-14 09:20 (UTC)

... Thank you.

( Gently, gently kneading his head... Last one, like he promised. He understands Barrett better now. And he thinks he likes this better, despite the cost - for both of them. )

... Levi is your brother. At least, that's what I remember. But... I guess you don't remember anymore.

( ... )

I'll tell you one thing that... Lily didn't tell me, but I think might be true. Based on the things happening, based on the things me and him spoke of, even if it was brief...

( He braces himself, this time - and this time, he barely purses his lips, suppressing his reaction to the sensation.

It's not fair that Barrett should suffer alone. So he'll trade some of him in, for all the parts of Barrett he just took away, and they can be better equal. )

... I think the Wave is coming. The one in the poem. And I think it's coming soon. Don't... hurt yourself protecting everyone, if it does. I won't let there be none of you left.

Edited 2023-10-14 09:35 (UTC)

[His brow furrows tight at the correction. He remembers the picture having someone... was it Levi? He can't remember. It doesn't make sense. And it fans his temper, just slightly, just enough to deepen that frown that he never, never wears.]

...

It's not my memories. The only brother I have is trapped outside. [Curt. Cold.

But he listens carefully to Morgan's theory. His warning of the poem.]

...I have to do something. I know I can.

But I'm not going to die. Someone needs to pay for what's been done to everyone. I can't die before that happens.

( :T

He gently jerks a lock of Barrett's hair, like a warning. )

Are you implying you can die after? Because you can't.

( Banned !! Not allowed !!!!!! )

[Ow. :(]

It's not a fun thought the other way around, is it? [It's an unfair jab, given that he knows Mithrun doesn't remember. But he's irritated, and it slips out before he can stop it.

Still, he shakes his head.]

I'm not going to. I just won't.

( wow

But at least Barrett agrees with no dying, so there's that. )

... I don't remember. ( He knows Barrett knows, but... ) But I don't... want to die. Not anymore. I want to see what you see for me - growing old with you.

( I want to be yours.

If his purpose holds true, then... he wants to keep running. That's enough to keep him moving, right now. And so long as he's moving, he can be with Barrett. But if his purpose holds true, he'll never grow old with him. Ah, ah, )

... Can I ask you something else? Not about Lily.

[The frown on his face softens slightly, evening out. It's something he's wanted to hear for a while, when it came to Morgan. So why did it feel cruel, hearing it now?

...]

...Yeah. Ask whatever you want.

( barrett doesn't appreciate that mithrun needed 90% of his memories forcibly removed for mithrun to be willing to stay with him ??? )

... Why do you still exercise so much after you eat?

( "Still" is the operative word here - he recalls perfectly what Barrett confessed to his other self. But... they're trapped in a digital world. The reasons must run deeper than fearful necessity. He's trying to understand. )

Edited 2023-10-14 10:22 (UTC)

[Barrett locks up immediately underneath Morgan.]

...

It's just my routine. It's fine.

( ... Taking Barrett's face in his hands carefully... Telling that Barrett will sign off parts of himself without hesitation in interest of transparency but clam up here. )

I'm not going to think less of you.

I... you don't need to. It's just a routine. I just do it to feel better.

[It's under control. He doesn't have a problem. He can't have a problem again.]

( ... )

Then why are you so anxious talking about it?

I'm... I'm not.

[He is. It's blatant. But in the pace he talks, it sounds less like an active attempt to lie and more like a frantic avoidance.]

There's nothing wrong with it. I know what I'm doing.

... Did I ask you about Lily to challenge you?

...

I...

[It hurts to think about, now that it's been brought up. It hurts worse when he can't say he knows the answer, a churning at his stomach.]

... I don't... want to think you did. But...

( he loves you but GOD )

You don't think I would have challenged you out loud if that was my motive?

( Very Visibly Peeved ignore how he was absolutely fine with using people for information before ignore it don't look at that )

... I was going to say I'm not asking you this to challenge you on this, either. But you don't trust me.

( so it's a bit of a fucking moot point, isn't it )

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