altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes

... Thank you.

( Gently, gently kneading his head... Last one, like he promised. He understands Barrett better now. And he thinks he likes this better, despite the cost - for both of them. )

... Levi is your brother. At least, that's what I remember. But... I guess you don't remember anymore.

( ... )

I'll tell you one thing that... Lily didn't tell me, but I think might be true. Based on the things happening, based on the things me and him spoke of, even if it was brief...

( He braces himself, this time - and this time, he barely purses his lips, suppressing his reaction to the sensation.

It's not fair that Barrett should suffer alone. So he'll trade some of him in, for all the parts of Barrett he just took away, and they can be better equal. )

... I think the Wave is coming. The one in the poem. And I think it's coming soon. Don't... hurt yourself protecting everyone, if it does. I won't let there be none of you left.

Edited 2023-10-14 09:35 (UTC)

[His brow furrows tight at the correction. He remembers the picture having someone... was it Levi? He can't remember. It doesn't make sense. And it fans his temper, just slightly, just enough to deepen that frown that he never, never wears.]

...

It's not my memories. The only brother I have is trapped outside. [Curt. Cold.

But he listens carefully to Morgan's theory. His warning of the poem.]

...I have to do something. I know I can.

But I'm not going to die. Someone needs to pay for what's been done to everyone. I can't die before that happens.

( :T

He gently jerks a lock of Barrett's hair, like a warning. )

Are you implying you can die after? Because you can't.

( Banned !! Not allowed !!!!!! )

[Ow. :(]

It's not a fun thought the other way around, is it? [It's an unfair jab, given that he knows Mithrun doesn't remember. But he's irritated, and it slips out before he can stop it.

Still, he shakes his head.]

I'm not going to. I just won't.

( wow

But at least Barrett agrees with no dying, so there's that. )

... I don't remember. ( He knows Barrett knows, but... ) But I don't... want to die. Not anymore. I want to see what you see for me - growing old with you.

( I want to be yours.

If his purpose holds true, then... he wants to keep running. That's enough to keep him moving, right now. And so long as he's moving, he can be with Barrett. But if his purpose holds true, he'll never grow old with him. Ah, ah, )

... Can I ask you something else? Not about Lily.

[The frown on his face softens slightly, evening out. It's something he's wanted to hear for a while, when it came to Morgan. So why did it feel cruel, hearing it now?

...]

...Yeah. Ask whatever you want.

( barrett doesn't appreciate that mithrun needed 90% of his memories forcibly removed for mithrun to be willing to stay with him ??? )

... Why do you still exercise so much after you eat?

( "Still" is the operative word here - he recalls perfectly what Barrett confessed to his other self. But... they're trapped in a digital world. The reasons must run deeper than fearful necessity. He's trying to understand. )

Edited 2023-10-14 10:22 (UTC)

[Barrett locks up immediately underneath Morgan.]

...

It's just my routine. It's fine.

( ... Taking Barrett's face in his hands carefully... Telling that Barrett will sign off parts of himself without hesitation in interest of transparency but clam up here. )

I'm not going to think less of you.

I... you don't need to. It's just a routine. I just do it to feel better.

[It's under control. He doesn't have a problem. He can't have a problem again.]

( ... )

Then why are you so anxious talking about it?

I'm... I'm not.

[He is. It's blatant. But in the pace he talks, it sounds less like an active attempt to lie and more like a frantic avoidance.]

There's nothing wrong with it. I know what I'm doing.

... Did I ask you about Lily to challenge you?

...

I...

[It hurts to think about, now that it's been brought up. It hurts worse when he can't say he knows the answer, a churning at his stomach.]

... I don't... want to think you did. But...

( he loves you but GOD )

You don't think I would have challenged you out loud if that was my motive?

( Very Visibly Peeved ignore how he was absolutely fine with using people for information before ignore it don't look at that )

... I was going to say I'm not asking you this to challenge you on this, either. But you don't trust me.

( so it's a bit of a fucking moot point, isn't it )

I don't know your motive, Morgan, I...

[How does he put this, while backed into a corner that feels much smaller than it is? He can feel the irritation radiating off Morgan.]

I can't tell sometimes. It's not because I don't trust you. But I can't read your mind. And I'm not...

I don't think I'm smart enough to notice things. Not like that.

( :T )

You're smarter than you think you are.

( Squishes his cheeks together to get his aggression out... It's rough, but at least he's not pulling Barrett's hair. He releases it, after a moment. )

I'm trying to understand you. But I won't understand if you don't explain it to me, either. And I'm trying not to assume. So I have to ask.

[is squished...

It's an oddly soft gesture for a pissed off Mithrun, one that lapses him into silence.

...

A large part of him wants to reiterate what he'd said before. Nothing's wrong. He has it under control. But... he'd told Mithrun he was having problems weeks ago, hadn't he? It just hadn't come of his own volition.]

I...

I didn't want to tell you. Back at the ferris wheel. I didn't want you to know anything.

I don't want you to look at it. I don't want anyone to look at it. But people keep asking.

I... I have it under control. I have to. I feel awful if I don't-- don't do something. Like... like some part of me is starving, no matter what.

I can't...

[No, that's not right. Can't isn't a right word. He knows that, from what therapy still remains. But it feels like ripping a bandaid from a wound that runs raw, gritting his teeth.]

I...

I feel... like it's all I can do. To make this feeling go away.

Edited 2023-10-14 12:47 (UTC)

( Yeah, he knows Barrett didn't want him to know - anyone to know. He knows. And he knows he doesn't want to talk about it now. But he can't ignore it when he knows it's festering. With everything else that's happened to him and Barrett - asking about it fell to the wayside. It seemed like it'd make the stress even more stressful. But there's no real avoiding it now.

He lets his hands fall against the pillow, his fingers running through Barrett's hair, stroking his head. He's listening. He catches the way Barrett corrects himself in a better direction. )

... It's fine if you don't have to have it under control.

( He wants to hold onto that point, because that seems to be where the rub, the If I don't, I'll— seems to be. )

You're stressed. Right?

[But it's not fine at all, habit screams. It tenses him up, speaks his resistance even as his mouth stays shut.]

...Yeah. But... so is everyone else.

I want to be able to handle it.

( He can feel Barrett going tense, and it's hard, because... He's trying to be conscientious, but even his most conscientious is direct and blunt. He's trying, but sometimes trying isn't enough to make the right sentiment convey. It's frustrating. )

You're treating the symptom, not the cause. The symptom is hunger, ( and all the stuff that comes after - the whole cycle, sounds like, ) and the cause is stress.

You can manage stress. But everyone has a different way of doing it. You just have to find the way that works for you. This way's just making you tired.

( and he knows that because you told him it was tiring you !!! well, fakerun, but still. )

But I'm doing what makes me happy.

[In excess. Losing the joy from it. Eating until he wants to throw up. Exercising until he wants to pass out. Fighting the anger out and downing potions to avoid the inevitable snap that he knows is waiting for him.]

It's helping. I stay on top of it, and I feel better, and I...I can stand being tired. That doesn't matter to me. I do it because it works, and if it stop working, I...

I just have to try harder.

( Brows furrow... )

Why?

...I just do. [Incredible logic.]

It's something I know I can do. I can push myself and keep getting better. Doing more.

[Something he can control in the midst of uncontrollable things... even if what he controls is his own slow destruction.]

It makes me feel horrible when I can't.

( Stroking his head, fingers running through his hair... )

... It's fine if it doesn't work for you. You can try something else. Something you don't have to push yourself to do, but makes you feel better.

It doesn't have to be this.

[Closed] misteaks' mistakes - the sequel (catchall)

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