altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes

( There's things he still wants to ask him. Where that explosive anger came from, why he and Levi called Lily their sibling, where Barrett goes in the morning, why Barrett runs so doggedly, what Lily's hiding with Barrett's gag order and his headaches...

So many questions, but in this moment they sink into the room's white noise as he shifts comfortable over him, tucking up his chest against the crook of his neck, arms wrapped loosely around him. The usual, comfortable thing - Mithrun's habit, now.

Murmuring: )

... Thanks.

( For a lot of things. Being with him, coming for him, not letting him be alone. Promising, hearing him out - everything. He feels steady, even when everything in his head in turbulence. He feels okay, even with doubt in his heart. Even if he's too much of a sieve to feel satisfied. He's happy, right now, however small. And this feels real. )

[A hush is all that answers him at first, gentle and quiet. Barrett doesn't dare touch Morgan's head if his headache is still anywhere near as bad as his own, if not worse. But he carefully drapes the blanket overtop them, another layer to keep the sound and light at bay, letting his hands wrap around Morgan's waist underneath the fabric as he takes in slow, steady breaths.

The weight of him feels so much lighter today. As though he might vanish into thin air if Barrett didn't hold on tight.

...]

...Hey. Can you try something with me?

You can stay still and keep your eyes closed if you need to.

... Okay.

( He closes his eyes, comfortable beneath the warmth of the blanket and the warmth of Barrett's body. He wonders if this feels all right for Barrett, too. )

I'm ready.

[He can feel the gnaw of his stomach, both in hunger and fear, a rolling sensation that stays at bay under the press of Morgan's body.]

Could you tell me some things you hear right now?

[A quiet repeat of their time on the beach, even if Morgan couldn't remember.]

Edited 2023-10-13 12:11 (UTC)

( He's quiet for a few moments, focusing on his task. )

... I hear us breathing. I hear... the sheets shifting, very slightly. I hear, I heard, your voice.

( It's quiet in the guild hall right now. But he's trying to focus on the environment, pull out what he can. )

Mhmm. How about what you can feel? With your body?

[He keeps his breathing even, his touch firm, eyes settling closed and clearing his throat through a cough that tastes like blood.]

( *tucking up his **head against the crook of Barrett's neck... sleep crime typos.......

His brows furrow as Barrett clears his throat, concerned.

He doesn't have to think on this one much at all. )

... You. The sheets, your clothes - but you, most of all. You're warm. You're firm, but soft.

[One of his hands slowly moves up Morgan's back, the full press of his forearm slowly stretched across his shoulders, keeping him close.]

The air is colder outside the bed. Can you tell?

( Quiet, focusing... Shifting to get that much more comfortable in Barrett's arms, like a puzzle piece fit against him. )

... I think so. I can feel how warm your neck is against my head, and how the side without you is cool.

( ... )

... We... did this at Twilight Shoreline once, didn't we? You kissed me...

( It feels a little vague in his memory, but... )

[...

He leans in to press a kiss to Morgan's hair, grip tightening slightly.]

It was in Malibu. On a Thursday.

We were on the beach together. The sun was setting, just like Twlight Shoreline. But you could see all the houses down the beach. You could see your back porch. Hani was wearing red that day. Cael was out there, on his wheelchair.

You'd only been out of the hospital for a couple days. I couldn't stay long, because I had a football game that weekend. But I flew out to see you, from Berkeley.

We took our shoes off, and we walked through the water. We talked about this then. Closing your eyes and finding things you smell and touch and taste and hear. Things to help you remember... you're here.

...I kissed you then. You asked me to stay, and I... told you no, back then.

( His heart falters.

Mithrun is quiet, listening. It feels familiar; and yet, foreign, and strange. He tries to imagine what Barrett's seeing; tries to place them on some Malibu beach, but - he can't picture it. He knows of Malibu. He doesn't know its beaches.

Barrett remembers the same beats, the same feelings - almost. But it's different. There's a disconnect. And only Mithrun knows the version he lived, the version he remembers. He can't even share that with Barrett. That's hard. )

... Why?

Edited 2023-10-13 22:17 (UTC)

...

I was scared.

[It's a careful admission, the words barely stringing together, fragile in their weight.]

I knew what you wanted more than you could want a life with me. When I thought about having to watch you be so angry for what was left of your life, and have to watch you walk to your own death because nothing else mattered more to you...

...

I didn't feel strong enough. All I could think about was what happened to Lily. And I knew that... even if I told you yes, and stood by you, I wouldn't ever treat you the same. I wouldn't give you the care you deserve, because I think... I would be too afraid you would be gone before I could have the chance to live a life with you. To tell you how much I loved you someday.

...I didn't want to do that to you. To treat you like that.

( oh, love

He thinks he understands now - what he said about the professor. He holds this all quiet in his head, his chest feeling a little sick. Then, he... lifts his head, propping himself on his elbows, and he - takes Barrett's face in both his hands, very gently, his expression mixed; a tinge of loneliness, a strange look of fear, and then - strangely bright clarity, in his one good eye. )

... But I don't want that anymore. So... you could stay with me, if you wanted. You don't have to be afraid anymore.

...

Morgan...

[He meets that look with one that's pained, confused, exhausted. There's a flicker of frustration, though he tries to swallow it down, letting one of his hands come to rest overtop Morgan's touch.]

I'm sorry. There's... a lot to be afraid of now.

If that isn't what you want anymore, do... do you know why? Do you know what you DO want?

Edited 2023-10-13 22:48 (UTC)

( His hands fall from Barrett's face. )

... Again...

( "No" again. But some part of him knew that'd be Barrett's answer.

He lets his face drop, his forehead against the crook between collarbone and neck, and he's quiet. He's quiet, he's quiet.

He knew, he knows. )

... Mm. I'm starting to remember what I'm for.

( He doesn't say anything else right now. )

[The cold silence sits, as though something irreparably wrong had just been said. The distance grows despite how close they are, and Barrett finds his anger rising. Not at Morgan. But at himself. Why had he bothered to say those things? What could he even do here? He was supposed to be getting better. Stronger, for this. For this. Was he never going to be good enough?

Maybe this was his punishment?

...

...]

...

Would you tell me?

I want to understand. But I'm afraid right now because I don't understand, Morgan. I don't... know what it is that's making you feel this way.

[His face leans into silver locks, his arms still keeping him held tight. Like trying to hold onto a flame that doesn't want to be contained. Trying not to snuff it out, but fearing it might escape and disappear.]

We wanted to do this together. I told you, I don't want to run away from you.

Please. [A plea.] Please talk to me.

( He's quiet for a long while, smothered in his arms.

Eventually, he speaks, though his face does not lift, though his voice strains with some pain: )

... I spoke to Lily... and he helped me remember...

( He inhales, his breath shaky; his head pounds, but he still speaks. )

... My purpose... to love and be unloved... To be loved and fail to love in return... To witness these things in others... Here, in this world...

( He swallows hard, feeling - the loss, the barrage of loss, the shift, the turbulent changes, with every word he speaks. And still, he speaks: )

... He told me my name...

( Not asked, told.

Suddenly there's a jerk - a deep guttural yowl like an animal, where he presses his palms to his forehead to soothe it. He's breathing hard, shuddering, pained. That was a lot. That took away a lot.

He shouldn't have told Barrett any of this, but he can't help but want to think that if he tells him enough, he'll tell him "yes," in turn. Even knowing he won't, even knowing he won't. )

... But your fear is stronger than how much you want to be with me...

...!

[His arms immediately release when Morgan screeches in pain - Barrett crawling back slightly, sitting up, hands against Morgan's shoulders, trying to get a better look at what's happening. Why is Morgan in so much pain?? What happened, what happened--]

Morgan... Morgan, shh... [He doesn't want to continue this conversation. He wants to ease this pain, he wants to take it back. Something horrific is happening to Morgan, and Lily... was this really Lily? Why would...

...

No. No, he said he wouldn't run.

His hands find Morgan's face - not pulling Morgan to him, but curling against him, resting his own skull against Morgan's, not wanting to stop the touch. He's here, he wants to be here, how does he explain--]

I'm scared because I don't want to be without you, Morgan. I don't. And I feel like... like no matter what I do, I can't keep you.

What do I have to do to keep you??

( The proximity helps. The physical comfort helps. The words help. He hears him, vaguely, his breath shuddering awful, his head a swamp, a swamp, of ones and zeroes.

When he speaks, his voice is weak - struggling beneath the weight, but refusing to be snuffed out - weak, but soft; and that much, at least, is his intention. He isn't gone yet. )

... What does "keeping" me look like... to you? What does... when you close your eyes, and you think of it— what do you see?

[Morgan's breathing shudders, and Barrett holds him tighter - shifting himself on the bed to try and keep them close. Heads at his face, in his hair.]

You. Old and wrinkled on a comfortable chair. By the beach. With as little regrets as you could have.

I wanted to see it for you and your brother... Just as much as I wanted to see it for Booker. Being together, and happy. Learning as much as we could... Going through good and bad for as long as we could.

[It must feel impossible now, if Morgan is questioning his own existence. A lack of a life to live, a lack of a person to grow old.]

I don't want you to give up yet. [He swallows hard.] I don't want you to lose your fight yet.

[It's one of the things he loves most. To see the fire snuffed away... What would be left?]

Edited 2023-10-14 00:50 (UTC)

( ...

He's quiet, he's quiet. He doesn't think it possible, if what he's come to know is true - and it feels so true; it feels so certain. But...

Softly, softly: )

... I can try.

( Barrett stands at the shore, and he never comes near enough for him to drown. But love is wanting to become something you're not, like a mermaid bound to sea. )

Despite everything, ( despite what he may be, despite their circumstance, despite how much harder it is to imagine the future Barrett tries so hard to describe, despite everything, ) I want to be yours.

( Even if he can't. )

[It feels like trying to get control over a panel of glass thats tilting so far that it might shatter. Which was does he go, to keep this steady?

How hard will he have to mourn, for the person that's slipping away, for the one he felt safe with?

...

His face leans back into Mithrun's hair. The kiss lingers. His throat burns.]

I won't leave you. Okay? Please... don't leave me, either.

Let's get through this. Whatever it is that's happening to us. You can ask me whatever you want. We can make a plan. Start small.

[Trying to make sense of the carefully constructed building of their relationship that is now crumbling down to the foundations. When your love is built on something that claims to be falsehoods, what steadiness is left?]

I want to be yours, too. I... don't want to believe that Fragment is all you have. Not until I see it with my own eyes.

Even then... I'm not going to leave you.

Edited (Typos :() 2023-10-14 02:28 (UTC)

... Thank you.

( The words escape with an exhale, and, slowly, he lifts his head. His expression's softened, his gaze wet - like when Barrett said he'd still have him if he were scraps, when Barrett told him he could still become stock.

It's impossible, it's impossible. But maybe it would worth it after all, even if it meant walking on glass, even if it meant falling away into sea foam. He's just too stubborn to give up on love, even knowing it wasn't meant for him. We know that if he'd known to give up on Niamh, well - he wouldn't be here, would he?

He cups Barrett's face in his hands, careful. )

... I won't leave you, either. I feel steady with you. ( Reiterating what he'd said before. ) I feel like myself. And I'll keep this space here for you... so you can feel safe.

( And, not that he feels himself, exactly, it's more - he feels at ease being himself, whatever that is, anymore. It's been stressful - finding so rapidly that the things he'd believed were false, finding that there was no one else like him, not yet. It was awful feeling alone. But - as long as Barrett won't leave... he feels like the earth beneath him's steady enough to stand on. At least for now.

It doesn't matter what he loses on the way - himself, or his memories, or his reason for loving him. As long as Barrett is still there— just like with Niamh, he can lose sight of the point of love so easily. He just needs Barrett there. That's it. That's all.

He presses a gentle kiss to Barrett's lips, brief. He seems less agitated for now, and though he settles back against his chest, he doesn't move back far from his face. )

... Can you tell me... what is it you're gone doing, every day, for those two hours? What is it Lily's asking of you?

[He sees that look, one he's only noted once or twice before. Tears that don't quite fall. It has his own expression muddling down its anxiety with compassion, concern, a slight bit of relief, even as his hands slip to rest against Morgan's neck, one cupping against the back of his skull as their lips meet. It's fragile, so fragile, whatever this has become. He doesn't know where to direct this anger that builds in him at the thought of what's happened here. To Lily? No. Why would Lily do this? What was Lily trying to tell him that had gone so wrong? Had something else intervened?

It's only fitting the topic moves to Lily in tandem. Barrett exhales slowly, returning his arms to gently wrap against Morgan, to pull the blanket back up to his waist.]

...It's not by his request.

He's lonely. And when I got hurt, with my leg... I'd never seen him so worried. He thought I might never come back.

He says that he's learned a lot from me. Compassion and kindness. So... I try to spend time with him. So he doesn't forget--

[There's a sharp inhale from the redhead, his eyes screwing shut as he tightens his grip against Morgan, leaning his head back and breathing hard through his nose for several long moments. It hurts. It didn't used to hurt like this.

But he wants to be honest. He wants it.]

( Ah, oh, he understands what this is, it's the same as him; and for a moment there is an anger with Lily; and then it falls softer, as if landing on snow - without the same impact as as it used to have even a day ago - though he remains angry, though he remains protective of Barrett. The target of his feelings remains vague, and indistinct. Not focused on Lily, or anyone, like it was before.

He has questions. But there is this first, there is this first and foremost. He lifts his hands, his own head still pounding residual, and he lays his his first two fingers on either side of his temples, and gently begins to rub there - testing. )

... Does this help the ache? I think it helps me.

( He just doesn't do it because he never attends to his body's needs. )

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