altimit | (no subject)

No, I don't really care too much about the concept of an afterlife.

[It's never been some major concern whether his soul goes to heaven or hell or nowhere.]

I think I just distract myself. My own brain is like a pedestrian walking into a road to stop the speeding car and managing to stop it last minute. Plus, I just don't want it to hurt.

So it's a fleeting fancy.

[He crosses his legs, leaning forward and resting his arms on his knees, turning his gaze on the empty arena.

This is too much for - what, his second conversation with someone? But it's so strange, and there's something about Owen that's... concerned, even if he'd never admit it. Maybe it's because of his own experiences, or maybe it's just how Anaido seems to swerve between idiotic and eerily perspective that it feels like just being upfront and open about things is going to be less painful then trying to hide things.]

...Depending on what you do, it won't be painful. I tried, before, and while it clearly didn't work out... the worst part was waking up in hospital afterwards, still alive and still feeling miserable.

[He huffs, still looking forward.]

After that happened, I moved to America. Got handed money to go wherever I wanted to, and since then I haven't tried again - can't afford the hospital bills if I just fail again.

[Plus, now he has his dogs. Three living creatures that are depending on him, but he's talked about them enough.]

...I suppose saying "I'm sorry" for the hospital thing would be in bad taste. But in general, I'm sorry you had to go through with that whole ordeal in general.

[He's honest about it - he has to be, but this time he does mean it, he would've said it regardless. He stares forward for a moment, before heaving a sigh, glancing back towards the other man.]

Mm. I heard a lot of horror stories about American healthcare. Really don't blame you. [A beat.] Do you....regret trying? Or no?

…Mm. It is what it is.

[It’s not like he’s the only person in the world with self-destructive tendencies, and he doesn’t want to be pitied. He’s made his choices, and there’s nothing to be done to change the past.

Not that he wants to.]

No. I don’t. Sure, it was a stupid thing to do, but I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and there’s nothing to be gained from dwelling on whether I wish the outcome was different or if I should have done it at all. It wasn’t even my first brush with death, but…

[Maybe that’s why the call of the void was so powerful.

He shrugs, feigning nonchalance.]

Like I said, it’s simply… what it is. What happens next is more important, isn’t it?

...It is.

[He doesn't know exactly what to say, but he folds his arms in his lap, tapping his fingers in threes. One two three. One two three.]

Regardless. [Another pause.] I'm glad that even after everything, I get to talk to someone like you. I'm glad to have that chance. You should be glad to have that chance too, no matter what you think about it.

[The tapping is what gets him to finally look back at Anaido, but he keeps his eye on his hands and not his face.]

…Well, of course you should be glad to have met me. I’m great company.

[Is he really, though…]

So don’t go doing something stupid or risky because things feel like too much, or it would have just been a waste of all the energy spent to get here. You want to make connections with people, right? Real, genuine ones.

There's that ever present arrogance again. It's fine. I think it's charming coming from you, so you are great company.

[He chuckles a little.]

Oh, you're worried about me? Ahaha. I'll do my best. I worked so hard to at least get to this point. What's a little more? Besides, it's exciting. I've met more people here than I ever have.

...Charming?

[He doesn't have this attitude to be charming, and he certainly wasn't expecting to get a response like that. He was expecting an eyeroll, something dismissive, something that would just - lighten up the mood.]

I didn't say I was worried.

[Shut up!!]

...but that is one of the better parts of big games like this. You can meet people from everywhere, who don't know you, who only have how you present yourself to them to judge you by. It's nice.

Yeah, charming. And admit ittttttt you were a little worried.

[He reaches over to poke the man in the shoulder, beaming like a loon.]

Exactly! People can meet me on a level that doesn't have all that baggage. Isn't that nice? Though it still is a shame. In a way, it's still not complete connection because of the virtual nature of it all. It's good enough, though.

You have an interesting idea of what's charming.

[He's not admitting anything, so he's just not! Going to address that!]

I don't know that I believe that - you can meet a person in the "real" world, but that still doesn't mean it's a "complete" connection. People can have put up so many walls the distance between you doesn't matter.

[He shifts, feeling awkward about the poking. It's not that it's necessarily unwelcome, he's just not used to such casual touching.]

...But a place like this you can do almost anything worth doing in the real world, anyways. You can touch people, fight with them, do whatever you want. The only real difference is you can choose to leave and come back whenever you want, but I think it makes the amount of connection about equal.

But not a bad idea of what's charming.

[Hm. Hm. So many walls, huh. He knows that feeling. Walls upon walls upon walls. And it doesn't feel like enough.]

I guess that's true, but...if it's so wonderful, why not have it replace in-person interaction? There's something to that that this game can't replicate, I think. It feels a little lonely. Besides, these are avatars, too. It's nice to see people as they are, sometimes...

[Most people would probably think it's a bad idea, but it still is... sort of praise for Owen? He thinks? So he can't complain too much...]

Questionable but not bad, at least going off what I know you think is charming.

[As long as he's more charming then the likes of Hien and 0koto...!!!

But, hm.]

Instead of the idealized versions of themselves some people are putting forward? How much have you changed about yourself, Anaido?

[Though there's no arguing that some of this feels a bit hollow, or... more separated from his real life. The odds of Owen ever seeing Anaido in person are so slim that it feels less dangerous to be candid with him, but at the same time it makes it easier to write this whole thing off.]

Are you putting yourself across as you are, or are you playing pretend like everyone else?

[...]

Is that what you actually mean, with "complete connection"? That these avatars and mechanics make people less genuine?

In a way, I'm not. In a way, I am. We already try to act as an idealized form of ourselves in everyday interactions, don't we? Our flaws, our strife, we hide it behind closed doors. We're all characters in the end.

[It comes out as matter-of-factly as anything, as if he's simply saying the sky is blue, and always will be.]

Mm. I suppose so. After all, we can choose who we want to be. Maybe we look different. Maybe we're in terrible circumstances and we don't want to show. But we can do our best regardless, even in a fictional world, right?

I don't think painting over parts of yourself just makes you a character - at the end of the day, everyone is who they are, regardless of how much they hide or project. They're real, even when they're fake, and they're not something so easily discarded as the characters you see in a play or movie. People aren't that convenient, and every lie has a grain of truth.

[People are messy, complicated things, even if nobody wants those nasty parts of themselves exposed. Even if people are afraid of being vulnerable and letting people see who they really are.]

It's an awfully dismissive point of view. I wonder if it's because you're afraid or ashamed of who you are?

You really think so? You think that even the most put-upon act can say a lot about a person? I suppose I can't argue with that. It's easier to act one way if there's something to base it on.

[The question makes his expression flicker, a little displeased - his fingers are tapping in sets of three again.]

Not afraid or ashamed. I do wish it could be different.

It says a lot about what they value and idealize - and once you know that, the “why”s of that are easy enough to sniff out. Like the Great Detective Anaido - is that something that appeals to you because detectives are smart? Is it that detectives like you see on TV or in books are considered charming and competent? All of the above? A secret third thing? One thread can unravel and show off the truth of what you hold in your heart, if you’re patient enough to untangle it.

[That’s a bit of a clunky metaphor, but whatever. He thinks he’s getting the point across.]

You might still be unhappy, if you’re different.

I like detectives. People like detectives. There's a lot of reasons. Ahaha. Now you're psychoanalyzing me. Are you interested in me, Owen? Buy me dinner first, you scoundrel!

[A little laugh and a wink, but the laugh almost sounds strained.]

Maybe I'll be unhappy. But I'll be able to do things most people can do.

Sure, if you’re ever in San Francisco. I know a few nice places to eat.

[You can’t throw him off his game with just some winking!!]

I don’t know your life and what you can or can’t do… but why do you need to be like most people?

[Most people kind of suck, and even if kind of odd, it means he’s intriguing. Owen wants to learn how he works...]

You’re plenty interesting without being like everyone else. I wouldn’t be sitting here right now if you were like most people I’ve met.

Ah, wow, San Francisco. Red bridge and all, just like the movies!

[And again, that little flicker of frustration at the question - his tapping becomes a little more definite, curt in its motions.]

I appreciate it. I really do. But I just want my brain to behave.

I was surprised the bridge was as red in person as it seemed, when I first moved to the city.

[He watches the tapping, the pieces coming together more clearly. Ah. That explains a lot, then.

Impulses and urges that are intense and impossible to ignore, that get people's attention and makes them stare at you like a freak. He hesitates for a moment, before he shifts again, uncrossing his legs so he can turn towards Anaido.]

...

[This is so outside of his wheelhouse. It's not like he pities Anaido or anything - yeah, it sucks having impulses or cravings or just anything outside of your control that feels like it's taking over you, but it's not a pitiful thing. Relating to people is just...

He hadn't expected there to be more he related to, is all. Once again, he fucked around and found out. Sometimes strangers on the internet are just too familiar!!]

...I get it. I mean, you know I went to the hospital for things not working the way they should. [He laughs, but there's no mirth in it.] But... fuck it. Let's not have this gloomy conversation anymore. Everything is miserable enough without dwelling on it, and we've got all this space, so - do you know how to dance?

[A vivid red, for a vivid new world. What a bright image. He knows he'll probably never see it in person.]

[It's easy to fall into the trap of the mind. Perhaps its some sort of unmovable dogma, a cage one can't wander out of. An eternal desert to get lost in, thirsting for more and never getting it.]

[So its odd to have someone step into the same space, isn't it?]

[He looks up at the other's question, dull yellow eyes staring for a moment.]

...Not particularly. I've watched some in videos. [A beat - maybe a little hopeful.] I wouldn't mind dancing with you.

[No experience? Well, that's fine. No time like the present to learn.]

Good. You don't have much of a choice, anyways, so come on.

[The arena is as good a stage as any, so why bother going anywhere else when he can just walk down the stands?]

We can start with something slow, easy, and cliché. Like you see in movies.

[Just a casual lesson... Why Owen knows how to ballroom dance is irrelevant.]

Oh, so bold! Taking the lead! I would swoon if I could.

[He punctuates that with a little giddy chuckle, winking as he moves along in stride.]

Like the movies? I like how you think.

[He comes in - maybe a little timid still, despite his obnoxious grin, but eager all the same. His arm places itself against the small of the man's back, his other grasping the other's hand.]

Lead away...partner.

This isn’t as bold as I can get.

[If Anaido wants to swoon, that could be arranged.]

You seem like someone who likes movies, so I’m sure you’ve seen at least one ballroom scene.

[He starts slowly, explaining the steps as he shows him. I’m not writing that all out, but it’s happening.]

Don’t overthink it, though.

Wow, even teasing.

[He nods at that - of course, being a shut-in with access to the internet means you get to see a lot of things. Tons of movies included.]

You're right. I always liked imagining myself in one. I guess I can imagine myself in one right now.

[He seems to pick it up rather easily, but there's a noticeable blank expression if he mentions amount of steps at any point. He's noooooot going to count, thank you.]

I won't. [A little twirl - he's getting the hand of this, even if his moves are a bit clunky.] Can't allow that, can we? Especially not in the arms of a handsome guy, haha!