Who ⚔ Yael & assorted nerds What ⚔ A dungeon run and other things When ⚔ After the party Where ⚔ Errywhere Content Warnings ⚔ Men with their tits out? Alcohol??? No correlation there surprisingly. nsfw i'm sorry mom
[ Ah, that in-between that Sheza likes to stay close to that Fai has grown familiar with. That silent request says more than anything, though, so Fai is quick to acquiesce, setting his book down on the chair before gingerly getting onto the bed. Bruised ribs and several large lacerations make it difficult to move, after all.
But he does anyway, settling right up against Sheza's side, where he's meant to be. ]
Surely you have more feelings on the matter than just that.
[ Sheza wanted to talk, after all. For someone as avoidant as Sheza to say that, it means he has strong feelings. ]
[Yael can see that Yuui is injured from the way he moves, but of course he is. Every time Yael closes his eyes, he sees Gorre's attacks raining down on Yuui and pushing him further and further towards death. That's a memory he'll remember until the day he dies.
Yael wants to remain upright beside Yuui, but it's painful sitting like this. He slides back into bed and motions for Yuui to follow, wrapping his arm around his lover's shoulders to provide him some warmth and comfort.]
Fair enough, though. Fai carefully lays down beside Sheza, wrapping an arm around his middle. ]
You're right. I am.
[ Sheza is right and Fai won't argue against it. He'd much rather let Sheza say everything he feels before saying anything himself.
Though... what is there to say? He still feels numb, as if none of this is real. Will they wake up in the infirmary tomorrow too, or in their bed in Fine Wine? He doesn't know, but reality will hit him soon enough either way. ]
[Yael clicks his tongue. He couldn't ask for a more Yuui response, but sometimes the most Yuui response is not the right response.]
That's all you have to say? You get on my ass about not putting my life on the line, and then you turn around and do the same thing. What's your problem?
[Oh he angry, that much is clear, but he wouldn't be so upset if he didn't love Yuui a hell of a lot. Yael knows it and Yuui knows it too. He won't let him believe he isn't loved.]
[ It's strange. Sheza has never been angry at him in this particular way before—no one has been, with the exception of one person that he can't easily recall. He knows it's out of love, however, and it's why he doesn't immediately get defensive.
Knowing that simple fact really makes this easier for him to acknowledge. ]
I'm a hypocrite. That's what my problem is.
[ And surely Sheza knows that well.
Sheza is owed a longer explanation than just that, however, so Fai continues. It's the least he can do. Fai decided that he would no longer obscure his feelings when Sheza finally came back to him, and he plans on sticking to that.
So, full honesty is necessary. ]
I felt lost when I didn't have you and the thought of losing you fills me with more fear than anything else. I should have realized you would feel the same way. [ He pauses, carefully considering his next words. ] I've thought for a long time that losing my life wouldn't mean much. Clearly I was wrong.
[Yael listens to his explanation, and while he does, he audibly groans. This dramatic idiot. This absolute fool. Yael squeezes his shoulders tight and bites his cheek. Take that, dummy.]
Clearly. Remember what you told me? "Don't ever leave my side." Don't make me the bad guy by going where I can't follow.
[And another thing!!]
You're done fighting.
[Capital D Done. Yael didn't put his life on the line for Yuui to traipse back out into harm's way.]
[ That groan at least makes his heart feel a little bit lighter. At least Sheza still thinks he's ridiculous. He supposes that's one thing that will never change.
He can't laugh like he usually would when Sheza bites his cheek, however.
Falling silent, he avoids looking at Sheza's face. ]
[He stills when Yuui responds. Wrong answer, obviously, but Yael understands how Yuui feels. He understands why he feels he has an obligation to rescue his friend.
But that's the same excuse that almost got him killed not even a day ago.
Yael is silent, turning over the options in his mind, but like Yuui, his mind is already made up.]
[ His breath catches in his throat and if he wasn't laying down he would certainly need to. Fai can't say anything, not until after a long silence stretches between them.
Barely audible, he finally speaks up around the tightness in his throat. ]
[Yael's tone is cold, so cold, every other emotion buried deep. The same pervasive chill is in his gaze when it settles over Yuui.]
I would've given anything, even my life, to keep you safe. If you're going to spit in my face by willingly putting yourself in harm's way a second time, I can't promise you a future with me.
[ The chill in Sheza's tone makes him feel colder than he did hours ago, staring down death's door. The hair on the back of his neck stands up and he nearly shivers as dread takes root in his belly.
He's being asked to choose.
Sheza made his choice, putting his own life before Fai's, and now he wants Fai to put his desires above anything else. It feels as if his lungs have nearly frozen over, but he manages to squeeze out a few thin breaths to calm himself so he can make a decision. ]
...Alright.
[ His tone is carefully neutral, so much so that it's almost impossible to know what he means with that single word. ]
[Yael takes similar measures to try and keep himself calm. Why is he so wound up? His emotions have been running on high since he woke up. It's the residual adrenaline, he's sure. Recalling the situation they just narrowly escaped from has every nerve in Yael's body buzzing with no good way to calm himself down.
He inhales, long and slow, and withdraws his arm from Yuui's shoulders.]
[ Sheza pulling away only makes him feel colder, as if all of the blood is being drained from his body. It hurts.
This is a different type of heartbreak, he thinks. Being protected only to be pulled away from shortly after when he hasn't had the opportunity to let the emotions of the former hit him.
So, naturally, as he sits up to better look Sheza in the eye, all of it releases at once. His words drip with a barely held back sorrow that grows harder to contain by the second. ]
I won't go.
[ He won't pay attention to any rumors and he won't look at the forums to see what everyone else is doing to prepare. He'll keep himself out of it.
It hurts, not being able to go help the people he's come to view as friends, but that Sheza is prepared to break up with him as a result is a pain that overshadows everything. It's why he turns away and covers his face and it doesn't take long before his shoulders begin to shake. ]
Losing a leg is nothing compared to the pain of seeing Yuui's shoulders shake, clearly on the verge of tears. Yael doesn't regret getting upset. He doesn't regret telling Yuui he'll call off their engagement if he doesn't keep himself out of harm's way. What he does regret is causing him pain, necessary as it is to make Yuui perfectly aware of his feelings.
Hearing him nearly cry when he speaks is good enough. In his heart, Yael knows Yuui won't be able to resist the urge to help his friends. He'll go and apologize to Yael later and bank on his forgiveness. He'll weigh the risk of losing their relationship against the risk of losing an irreplaceable friend and see the latter as more valuable.
Yael knows this about Yuui and has chosen to love him anyway. Even so, his mind is already made up. Whether they remain together or separate, he's going to love Yuui until the day he dies.]
Ana bahebak, ya rouhi.
[He wraps his arms around Yuui and pulls his heaving back snug to his chest. For as long as he can, Yael will keep him here where he's safe and loved. No sense in languishing over the uncertain future, yet his heart beats staccato against Yuui's back out of real, genuine fear. Forget his life. His heart is on the line here.]
[ Sheza's chest warm and solid against his back makes it impossible for him to keep his tears held in. They spill freely, making a mess of his hands.
That Sheza's words pierce right through to his heart, pressing up against something in the back of his mind that he can't quite remember only makes his tears push out of him harder as he lets out a sob. ]
I love you too.
[ Said like this, with so much pain, sorrow, and truth behind it should let Sheza know where he stands. He might think that Fai would choose others over him, but the reality of it is that... he wouldn't. It's a big yet harrowing realization for him to have, knowing that he would put one person over anyone else and it scares him. The quick pound of Sheza's heart against his back tells him that he's afraid too and so Fai puts it upon himself to catch his breath, to prevent another sob from heaving out of his chest. ]
[Yuui will have an opportunity to dry his hands when Yael's lift to gently sweep them out of the way. Calloused fingers brush along damp cheeks and beneath the hollows of his eyes, drying those tears as they come. As they do, Yael presses his lips to Yuui's nape and leaves them to linger there.]
Can you turn around? I want to see your face.
[...No, he can allow himself to let his vulnerabilities show. For Yuui, he must.]
I want to kiss you until you feel better. I need to.
[ ...Ah. That only makes his tears fall quicker, but at least Sheza is able to keep up with them, to dry them before they can slide down his cheeks. ]
Of course I can.
[ His eyes are watery and red, but there's a smile on his face as he turns around, settling his knees on either side of Sheza's hips. While Fai is more than happy to give him exactly what he needs, he cups Sheza's cheeks first. ]
[...God, it hurts seeing Yuui like this. It's not the first time either, and that makes it worse, knowing he's the one who has hurt Yuui deeply twice over.
Whether he was in the right or not this time doesn't matter. Yael still feels that he should apologize, pursing and unpursing his lips in a rare display of indecision. When Yuui is upset like this, he just— he shuts down, every thought in his head a scrambled, messy, fucked up wreck.
He regrets asking Yuui to turn around, but he also doesn't, moving quickly to kiss those damp eyes and cheeks and quivering lips. Don't be upset, damn it. Smile. Be happy. I can't take it, seeing you like this.]
[ The last thing he wants is to lose Sheza after everything they've been through. His heart pounds and his hands tremble ever so slightly even as he continues to hold Sheza's face in his hands. ]
I don't want to lose you, whether that's through you leaving me or dying. It's a miracle I didn't freeze.
[ His memory didn't fail him and instead allowed him to channel knowledge he can't recall gaining. Though, judging by what he saw when Michel opened his door, he probably gained that knowledge from watching his brother die. It's just a guess. ]
But I understand your feelings, and that's why I'll honor them.
[ Sheza has every right to feel the way he does, especially after the sacrifice he's made. ]
If you did freeze, I would've followed you to the grave and killed you twice over.
[Just thinking about Yuui putting himself in such a precarious position pisses him off all over again. It infuriates him and upsets him and leaves him some restless mess, tugging Yuui tight against his body to give some small fraction of that energy a proper outlet to flow into.
Feral, one might call him, but what can he do? He's feeling every feeling right now and he hates it. Knowing his loving, empathetic boyfriend, he probably feels it too.]
...Well, whatever. Just don't do it again and we won't have a problem. Idiot.
[ He certainly does, feeling all of that anger and upset in the way Sheza holds him close. He feels Sheza's heartbeat still hammering away, too, as he wraps his arms around his shoulders and buries his face in his neck.
What he feels most of all, however, is love. The love that has driven him to feel so strongly, to hold him so close and so tight. The love that pushed Fai out of the way of certain death at the cost of potentially losing his own life. ]
I won't.
[ Not where he can help it, certainly. If he has the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, then he'll simply be as careful as he possibly can be so he can return to Sheza and face his anger. ]
[Grumble grumble. He's in no mood for niceties, but what is he in the mood for? To be left floundering for answers like this is just not like himself. Bumping their foreheads together, Yael exhales a long, gusty sigh, and closes his eyes. Calm down. He's got to try and calm down.]
[ Huffing out a laugh against his skin, Fai presses a soft kiss to his neck. ]
My nice stick of beef jerky.
[ His tears haven't dried, but he can always inject some levity into the situation. He presses his lips to Sheza's skin again, this time right below his ear. ]
Tell me about some of your feelings. You wanted to talk about us, didn't you?
[Never fear, string bean. Yael's still hard at work swiping away those tears, but the kiss just beneath his ear makes him shiver. He's jumpy and more sensitive than usual right now.]
You know how I feel. I don't want to be married for a week, so don't get yourself killed. End of discussion.
[ Ah, a shiver. It nearly kindles a fire in him due to their proximity, but he doesn't feel it quite yet. His body is still in shock, even if the adrenaline still flowing through his veins hasn't worn off.
So, he lightly nips at that spot. ]
That's not all and you know it. [ He'll climb up this hill. ] Why are you so scared? It isn't just fear for my own life, is it?
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But he does anyway, settling right up against Sheza's side, where he's meant to be. ]
Surely you have more feelings on the matter than just that.
[ Sheza wanted to talk, after all. For someone as avoidant as Sheza to say that, it means he has strong feelings. ]
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Yael wants to remain upright beside Yuui, but it's painful sitting like this. He slides back into bed and motions for Yuui to follow, wrapping his arm around his lover's shoulders to provide him some warmth and comfort.]
You want to talk? Fine. You're a goddamn idiot.
[Strong feelings indeed.]
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Fair enough, though. Fai carefully lays down beside Sheza, wrapping an arm around his middle. ]
You're right. I am.
[ Sheza is right and Fai won't argue against it. He'd much rather let Sheza say everything he feels before saying anything himself.
Though... what is there to say? He still feels numb, as if none of this is real. Will they wake up in the infirmary tomorrow too, or in their bed in Fine Wine? He doesn't know, but reality will hit him soon enough either way. ]
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That's all you have to say? You get on my ass about not putting my life on the line, and then you turn around and do the same thing. What's your problem?
[Oh he angry, that much is clear, but he wouldn't be so upset if he didn't love Yuui a hell of a lot. Yael knows it and Yuui knows it too. He won't let him believe he isn't loved.]
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Knowing that simple fact really makes this easier for him to acknowledge. ]
I'm a hypocrite. That's what my problem is.
[ And surely Sheza knows that well.
Sheza is owed a longer explanation than just that, however, so Fai continues. It's the least he can do. Fai decided that he would no longer obscure his feelings when Sheza finally came back to him, and he plans on sticking to that.
So, full honesty is necessary. ]
I felt lost when I didn't have you and the thought of losing you fills me with more fear than anything else. I should have realized you would feel the same way. [ He pauses, carefully considering his next words. ] I've thought for a long time that losing my life wouldn't mean much. Clearly I was wrong.
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Clearly. Remember what you told me? "Don't ever leave my side." Don't make me the bad guy by going where I can't follow.
[And another thing!!]
You're done fighting.
[Capital D Done. Yael didn't put his life on the line for Yuui to traipse back out into harm's way.]
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He can't laugh like he usually would when Sheza bites his cheek, however.
Falling silent, he avoids looking at Sheza's face. ]
I need to help bring Amon back.
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But that's the same excuse that almost got him killed not even a day ago.
Yael is silent, turning over the options in his mind, but like Yuui, his mind is already made up.]
Fine. Return my ring.
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Barely audible, he finally speaks up around the tightness in his throat. ]
...What?
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[Yael's tone is cold, so cold, every other emotion buried deep. The same pervasive chill is in his gaze when it settles over Yuui.]
I would've given anything, even my life, to keep you safe. If you're going to spit in my face by willingly putting yourself in harm's way a second time, I can't promise you a future with me.
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He's being asked to choose.
Sheza made his choice, putting his own life before Fai's, and now he wants Fai to put his desires above anything else. It feels as if his lungs have nearly frozen over, but he manages to squeeze out a few thin breaths to calm himself so he can make a decision. ]
...Alright.
[ His tone is carefully neutral, so much so that it's almost impossible to know what he means with that single word. ]
I won't go.
[ He's relented. ]
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He inhales, long and slow, and withdraws his arm from Yuui's shoulders.]
Say it like you mean it. Make me believe you.
[Harsh words, aren't they? Yuui should know.]
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This is a different type of heartbreak, he thinks. Being protected only to be pulled away from shortly after when he hasn't had the opportunity to let the emotions of the former hit him.
So, naturally, as he sits up to better look Sheza in the eye, all of it releases at once. His words drip with a barely held back sorrow that grows harder to contain by the second. ]
I won't go.
[ He won't pay attention to any rumors and he won't look at the forums to see what everyone else is doing to prepare. He'll keep himself out of it.
It hurts, not being able to go help the people he's come to view as friends, but that Sheza is prepared to break up with him as a result is a pain that overshadows everything. It's why he turns away and covers his face and it doesn't take long before his shoulders begin to shake. ]
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Losing a leg is nothing compared to the pain of seeing Yuui's shoulders shake, clearly on the verge of tears. Yael doesn't regret getting upset. He doesn't regret telling Yuui he'll call off their engagement if he doesn't keep himself out of harm's way. What he does regret is causing him pain, necessary as it is to make Yuui perfectly aware of his feelings.
Hearing him nearly cry when he speaks is good enough. In his heart, Yael knows Yuui won't be able to resist the urge to help his friends. He'll go and apologize to Yael later and bank on his forgiveness. He'll weigh the risk of losing their relationship against the risk of losing an irreplaceable friend and see the latter as more valuable.
Yael knows this about Yuui and has chosen to love him anyway. Even so, his mind is already made up. Whether they remain together or separate, he's going to love Yuui until the day he dies.]
Ana bahebak, ya rouhi.
[He wraps his arms around Yuui and pulls his heaving back snug to his chest. For as long as he can, Yael will keep him here where he's safe and loved. No sense in languishing over the uncertain future, yet his heart beats staccato against Yuui's back out of real, genuine fear. Forget his life. His heart is on the line here.]
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That Sheza's words pierce right through to his heart, pressing up against something in the back of his mind that he can't quite remember only makes his tears push out of him harder as he lets out a sob. ]
I love you too.
[ Said like this, with so much pain, sorrow, and truth behind it should let Sheza know where he stands. He might think that Fai would choose others over him, but the reality of it is that... he wouldn't. It's a big yet harrowing realization for him to have, knowing that he would put one person over anyone else and it scares him. The quick pound of Sheza's heart against his back tells him that he's afraid too and so Fai puts it upon himself to catch his breath, to prevent another sob from heaving out of his chest. ]
I'll always choose you.
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Can you turn around? I want to see your face.
[...No, he can allow himself to let his vulnerabilities show. For Yuui, he must.]
I want to kiss you until you feel better. I need to.
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Of course I can.
[ His eyes are watery and red, but there's a smile on his face as he turns around, settling his knees on either side of Sheza's hips. While Fai is more than happy to give him exactly what he needs, he cups Sheza's cheeks first. ]
I'm scared too, you know.
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Whether he was in the right or not this time doesn't matter. Yael still feels that he should apologize, pursing and unpursing his lips in a rare display of indecision. When Yuui is upset like this, he just— he shuts down, every thought in his head a scrambled, messy, fucked up wreck.
He regrets asking Yuui to turn around, but he also doesn't, moving quickly to kiss those damp eyes and cheeks and quivering lips. Don't be upset, damn it. Smile. Be happy. I can't take it, seeing you like this.]
Mm. Were you?
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[ The last thing he wants is to lose Sheza after everything they've been through. His heart pounds and his hands tremble ever so slightly even as he continues to hold Sheza's face in his hands. ]
I don't want to lose you, whether that's through you leaving me or dying. It's a miracle I didn't freeze.
[ His memory didn't fail him and instead allowed him to channel knowledge he can't recall gaining. Though, judging by what he saw when Michel opened his door, he probably gained that knowledge from watching his brother die. It's just a guess. ]
But I understand your feelings, and that's why I'll honor them.
[ Sheza has every right to feel the way he does, especially after the sacrifice he's made. ]
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[Just thinking about Yuui putting himself in such a precarious position pisses him off all over again. It infuriates him and upsets him and leaves him some restless mess, tugging Yuui tight against his body to give some small fraction of that energy a proper outlet to flow into.
Feral, one might call him, but what can he do? He's feeling every feeling right now and he hates it. Knowing his loving, empathetic boyfriend, he probably feels it too.]
...Well, whatever. Just don't do it again and we won't have a problem. Idiot.
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What he feels most of all, however, is love. The love that has driven him to feel so strongly, to hold him so close and so tight. The love that pushed Fai out of the way of certain death at the cost of potentially losing his own life. ]
I won't.
[ Not where he can help it, certainly. If he has the misfortune of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, then he'll simply be as careful as he possibly can be so he can return to Sheza and face his anger. ]
I love you, my Sheza.
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[Grumble grumble. He's in no mood for niceties, but what is he in the mood for? To be left floundering for answers like this is just not like himself. Bumping their foreheads together, Yael exhales a long, gusty sigh, and closes his eyes. Calm down. He's got to try and calm down.]
...My string bean.
[He's trying.]
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My nice stick of beef jerky.
[ His tears haven't dried, but he can always inject some levity into the situation. He presses his lips to Sheza's skin again, this time right below his ear. ]
Tell me about some of your feelings. You wanted to talk about us, didn't you?
[ That can't be everything Sheza had to say. ]
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You know how I feel. I don't want to be married for a week, so don't get yourself killed. End of discussion.
[You're fighting an uphill battle here, Yuui...]
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So, he lightly nips at that spot. ]
That's not all and you know it. [ He'll climb up this hill. ] Why are you so scared? It isn't just fear for my own life, is it?
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