Who ⚔ Yael & assorted nerds What ⚔ A dungeon run and other things When ⚔ After the party Where ⚔ Errywhere Content Warnings ⚔ Men with their tits out? Alcohol??? No correlation there surprisingly. nsfw i'm sorry mom
[ That's what Yael loves about him, isn't it? His heart twists in his chest, his stomach feels like it's flipped onto its side, and the rocks and dirt scraping against his back are merely peripheral to the other pain he feels. ]
Sheza, I...
[ He squeezes his thighs around Yael's hips, pushing him closer in a silent bid for Yael to give him more, to expel all of the negative feelings he has right now into Fai. He'll simply soak all of them up and hold onto them like a sponge because there's nothing else he can offer. Comforting words aren't an option, not when he's sure that Yael doesn't want to hear them in the first place. ]
[Begging for more while shutting him out, is he? No... That's an uncharitable take, but Yael would much rather Yuui not make any effort to soothe him when it's clear the feelings between them are not mutual. That's fine. They don't need to be, not when they're skewed so far to one side.]
Enough.
[A low, guttering command. He doesn't want to hear it anymore. Can't stand to hear it anymore. Yael pivots into him with such weighty thrusts that he's begun to pant.]
...Don't lie there and take it like you have no other choice. You think I'm a monster, don't you? Say it. Admit it.
[ Wouldn't that be better? To lie here and take it and let Yael get out all of his negative feelings? There's still a big part of Fai that thinks he should, but his very nature keeps himself from doing it too much. ]
I think...
[ He groans, grimacing in pain as those thrusts start to toe the line of being too much. It's a pain that rends him in two, yet still causes heat to pool low in his gut nevertheless. ]
I think you're the one for me.
[ While Fai's feelings might not be quite there yet, he can at least make that logical conclusion. He's in touch with his own feelings enough to be able to do so, and Yael should know that this, at least, is his truth. ]
[No, no, no. No matter what it is, Yael doesn't want to hear it, but he doesn't have the heart to flip Yuui over and bury his face in the grass. He could never do that to Yuui.
He falters a bit, his pace slackening, but he recovers quickly enough. The tumult of emotion on his face is hard to hide, but he manages. He always manages.]
...I don't want to hear that now.
[Not while Yuui feels forced, compelled to say so. They can talk about this again when they've both got their wits about them, but even then, it's not a conversation Yael is ready to have. He wasn't ready for this either, but there's no turning back time. Now Yuui knows.]
[ A hand settles on Yael's shoulder, his fingernails digging into his skin. Pain in return for the way the rocks underneath him dig into his back and cut into his skin. ]
You... want me to call you a monster. [ He pants, doing what he can to catch his breath despite the relentless pace Yael has settled on. ] Why would I say something I don't mean?
[ Ironic, for someone who always says what he doesn't mean, right? And yet he's been mostly honest with Yael the entire time they've known one another, at first because he knew he couldn't get away with it and later on because he grew comfortable. ]
[Why wouldn't Yuui call him a monster? Yael's sure he's been warned. Sure he's been advised against dating a man with his background, told he's a loose canon waiting to go off.
He's going off now, as it happens, but through the pain in Yuui's eyes, Yael sees no fear. No regret. Why? Is it simply that disturbing lack of self-preservation? It isn't love. It certainly isn't love.
Yael hangs his head, focuses on each forward thrust to keep his mind off the growing ache in his chest.]
Why would you let yourself be treated this way? There's... something wrong with you.
[That's not what he meant to say. Not like that, and yet.]
[ Yael has warned Fai plenty of times himself, hasn't he? But Fai ignores every little warning, simply because he doesn't care. He doesn't regret this, and he knows he never will. What he had said to Yael was the truth, after all.
Fai knows that Yael is the one, in his head and in a burgeoning feeling in his heart. Yet he can't tell Yael he loves him back, not until he feels it fully. It isn't fair to say it, not when the seed is still taking root in his heart. Even if he wasn't burdened with only speaking the truth, he would not have said it.
It's because he cares so deeply, though, that Yael's words cut deep, enough that Fai worries at his bottom lip, suppressing any of the groans that might otherwise escape him. ]
I know. [ He can't hold back what he says next, unfortunately: ] But I deserve it, don't I?
[He wants this to stop. He wants this to end. Why won't Yuui say anything? Why won't he make it end?
No one should put up with abuse like this, much less the stubborn, bullheaded man Yael fell head over heels in love with. Pain is all Yael knows how to inflict, but he's only ever succeeded in pushing others away through aggression and antagonism. No one sticks around. No one puts up with him at his worst. No one should, and yet Yuui does.
There's something wrong with you. That blade cuts both ways.]
...No you don't, you damn fool. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much better than I could ever give you.
[This hurts, doesn't it? That should be reason enough to take Yael at his word and leave, but Yuui doesn't care about self-preservation. It stands to reason that someone who can't love himself can't love anyone else either, but why? Why does Yuui have to feel this way?
Exhaling a low, haggard sigh, Yael keeps thrusting.]
...It's not fair. The way you treat yourself. The way you're letting me treat you.
[ Why does Yael keep going? It's clear that neither of them are enjoying this, that each heavy thrust of Yael's hips only brings them both more pain. Yet, Fai wants to keep Yael inside of him, to keep him close so that he might understand what it is that Fai feels. With a small shift, he wraps one of his legs more firmly around Yael's hips. ]
I already decided that you can take what you want from me. I made that decision a while ago.
[ He snakes a hand up and under Yael's shirt, digging his nails into Yael's shoulder before dragging them down his back. It'll create long, thin scratches here, but they won't last long. Nothing in this game does. Yael can consider this pain in exchange for what Yael is doing now.
When will he understand that Fai deserves everything that Yael can give him? ]
What... would you want me to do? Flip the both of us over?
[A relationship shouldn't be a matter of taking and taking and taking for the benefit of one partner while the other suffers. That's all this is: mutual agony.
Heat pulses in Yael's hips, but there's nothing pleasurable about it. He wants this to stop, but how can he? Yuui is never going to learn if he doesn't leave a lasting scar behind on him. Even then, who's to say Fai isn't sick enough to wear that scar proudly on his back?
He can't continue like this. Neither of them can. Yael forces himself to stop, brusquely tugging out of Yuui's body and the leg tied around his waist.]
You're a moron if you think you deserve any of this. I can't do it, Yuui. Not like this.
[ He feels cold when Yael pulls away, for more than one reason. Suppressing a shiver, Fai sits up, his hands shaking enough that he presses them down onto the grass in an attempt to stop the tremors.
It doesn’t work. ]
I…
[ His eyes feel hot, tears prickling behind them for the first time in a long, long time. ]
I can’t lose you, Sheza.
[ But maybe he’s too broken, even for the one who said he’d be able to carry all of Fai’s baggage. ]
[He sees the first traces of tears in Yuui's eyes and closes his own, the sight of him burned onto the backs of his eyelids. Yuui, crying. He isn't the type, so Yael had thought, but he's managed to bruise and batter the man enough that tears were probably inevitable.
This is his fault. Every problem they've had and every problem they will have are ones Yael is directly responsible for. He has no right to reach out his hands and comfort Yuui when he's the one who hurt him so badly, but Yael does so anyway, unable to stop himself from gathering Yuui in his arms.]
...I'm sorry.
[A minute passes, two, before Yael continues, clearly counting his breaths and measuring every exhale.]
[ And here Fai is, undeserving of this comfort, yet he's taking it anyway. Wrapping his arms tightly around Yael, he buries his face in his shoulder and breathes out, long and slow as they drift into silence. All he needs is this right now, even as his heart hammers against his chest and tears finally spill onto his cheeks, wetting the fabric of Yael's armor. It's been so long since he's cried that it almost stings, almost makes his body break out into full tremors, but he manages to keep it under control.
He can lose it when he logs out.
After all, he needs to take care of Yael first, doesn't he? Pulling out of the hug, Fai takes Yael's face between both of his hands so he can't look away. ]
I won't leave you. I didn't say it to comfort you, Sheza. You're the one. I know it, and it scares me.
[Oh, he knows Yuui is going to lose it as soon as he logs out. Feels it in his gut, but Yael isn't so sure he'll fare any better. Fucked up that they're simultaneously the best and worst thing for each other, isn't it?
Cheeks smooshed between his favorite twinky hands, Yael doesn't fight it, meeting Yuui's gaze.]
...You say that like I'm not just as afraid.
[Yael laughs, but it's such a weak, almost pitiful sound.]
[ He laughs, but it bubbles up in his throat and sounds more akin to a little sob than anything. With a shaky inhale, he momentarily closes his eyes, trying to recenter himself.
So much for camping, honestly. He doesn't have it in him to play at that little charade right now. ]
I can't give you what you want right now, but I don't want you to leave either. I... need time.
[ His heart is locked behind so many doors, after all, and not all of them have opened just yet. Allowing himself to feel so intensely for someone else is a bridge that he still needs to cross. ]
You probably don't want to go on as many dates, or hang out as much as we have been for a little while, do you?
[ Fai knows that Yael is hurt, that he's done irreparable damage to the heart of the one he's falling for. Naturally he'd want some time to himself. That would be a fitting punishment for Fai anyway, and one that hurts Yael less. ]
In a way, Yael expected this. The reasonable thing to do in a situation like this is to ask for time apart, but it aches just the same. Yael will respect Yuui's boundaries, but a non-insignificant part of him fears there is no coming back from this.
Does he want time away from Yuui? Truly, he doesn't. If anything, he wants more time with him and wants to take every opportunity to make it up to him, but it's too early to plan on making amends. Time is, at moments like these, the only cure.
Yael withdraws from their hug. He sees the tears in Yuui's eyes and hears the sobs stop up in his throat and does nothing. It isn't his right to dry the tears from Yuui's eyes. That's a privilege he's lost today.]
By all means. Take your time.
[He won't answer the question of what he wants. He can't afford to.]
You need anything else? If not, I'm going to log off for the night.
[ When Yael simply does nothing, Fai—no, Yuui—feels something in him break. His hands slowly move away from Yael's face as he backs away.
He isn't sure what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't this. Did he want Yael to fight to keep spending so much time together, even though there's no realistic way he would at this point? Did he want Yael to say it was all okay?
Yuui doesn't know. He doesn't know anything anymore. ]
...You can go.
[ He has to, because Yuui can't hold it together much longer, and he can't afford to let Yael see what will happen to him. Letting Yael feel worse is simply not an option.
And yet, and yet, Yuui can't help but lean forward and press a soft kiss to Yael's cheek anyway. ]
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no subject
Sheza, I...
[ He squeezes his thighs around Yael's hips, pushing him closer in a silent bid for Yael to give him more, to expel all of the negative feelings he has right now into Fai. He'll simply soak all of them up and hold onto them like a sponge because there's nothing else he can offer. Comforting words aren't an option, not when he's sure that Yael doesn't want to hear them in the first place. ]
no subject
Enough.
[A low, guttering command. He doesn't want to hear it anymore. Can't stand to hear it anymore. Yael pivots into him with such weighty thrusts that he's begun to pant.]
...Don't lie there and take it like you have no other choice. You think I'm a monster, don't you? Say it. Admit it.
no subject
I think...
[ He groans, grimacing in pain as those thrusts start to toe the line of being too much. It's a pain that rends him in two, yet still causes heat to pool low in his gut nevertheless. ]
I think you're the one for me.
[ While Fai's feelings might not be quite there yet, he can at least make that logical conclusion. He's in touch with his own feelings enough to be able to do so, and Yael should know that this, at least, is his truth. ]
no subject
He falters a bit, his pace slackening, but he recovers quickly enough. The tumult of emotion on his face is hard to hide, but he manages. He always manages.]
...I don't want to hear that now.
[Not while Yuui feels forced, compelled to say so. They can talk about this again when they've both got their wits about them, but even then, it's not a conversation Yael is ready to have. He wasn't ready for this either, but there's no turning back time. Now Yuui knows.]
no subject
You... want me to call you a monster. [ He pants, doing what he can to catch his breath despite the relentless pace Yael has settled on. ] Why would I say something I don't mean?
[ Ironic, for someone who always says what he doesn't mean, right? And yet he's been mostly honest with Yael the entire time they've known one another, at first because he knew he couldn't get away with it and later on because he grew comfortable. ]
no subject
He's going off now, as it happens, but through the pain in Yuui's eyes, Yael sees no fear. No regret. Why? Is it simply that disturbing lack of self-preservation? It isn't love. It certainly isn't love.
Yael hangs his head, focuses on each forward thrust to keep his mind off the growing ache in his chest.]
Why would you let yourself be treated this way? There's... something wrong with you.
[That's not what he meant to say. Not like that, and yet.]
no subject
Fai knows that Yael is the one, in his head and in a burgeoning feeling in his heart. Yet he can't tell Yael he loves him back, not until he feels it fully. It isn't fair to say it, not when the seed is still taking root in his heart. Even if he wasn't burdened with only speaking the truth, he would not have said it.
It's because he cares so deeply, though, that Yael's words cut deep, enough that Fai worries at his bottom lip, suppressing any of the groans that might otherwise escape him. ]
I know. [ He can't hold back what he says next, unfortunately: ] But I deserve it, don't I?
no subject
No one should put up with abuse like this, much less the stubborn, bullheaded man Yael fell head over heels in love with. Pain is all Yael knows how to inflict, but he's only ever succeeded in pushing others away through aggression and antagonism. No one sticks around. No one puts up with him at his worst. No one should, and yet Yuui does.
There's something wrong with you. That blade cuts both ways.]
...No you don't, you damn fool. You don't deserve this. You deserve so much better than I could ever give you.
[This hurts, doesn't it? That should be reason enough to take Yael at his word and leave, but Yuui doesn't care about self-preservation. It stands to reason that someone who can't love himself can't love anyone else either, but why? Why does Yuui have to feel this way?
Exhaling a low, haggard sigh, Yael keeps thrusting.]
...It's not fair. The way you treat yourself. The way you're letting me treat you.
no subject
I already decided that you can take what you want from me. I made that decision a while ago.
[ He snakes a hand up and under Yael's shirt, digging his nails into Yael's shoulder before dragging them down his back. It'll create long, thin scratches here, but they won't last long. Nothing in this game does. Yael can consider this pain in exchange for what Yael is doing now.
When will he understand that Fai deserves everything that Yael can give him? ]
What... would you want me to do? Flip the both of us over?
no subject
Heat pulses in Yael's hips, but there's nothing pleasurable about it. He wants this to stop, but how can he? Yuui is never going to learn if he doesn't leave a lasting scar behind on him. Even then, who's to say Fai isn't sick enough to wear that scar proudly on his back?
He can't continue like this. Neither of them can. Yael forces himself to stop, brusquely tugging out of Yuui's body and the leg tied around his waist.]
You're a moron if you think you deserve any of this. I can't do it, Yuui. Not like this.
no subject
It doesn’t work. ]
I…
[ His eyes feel hot, tears prickling behind them for the first time in a long, long time. ]
I can’t lose you, Sheza.
[ But maybe he’s too broken, even for the one who said he’d be able to carry all of Fai’s baggage. ]
no subject
This is his fault. Every problem they've had and every problem they will have are ones Yael is directly responsible for. He has no right to reach out his hands and comfort Yuui when he's the one who hurt him so badly, but Yael does so anyway, unable to stop himself from gathering Yuui in his arms.]
...I'm sorry.
[A minute passes, two, before Yael continues, clearly counting his breaths and measuring every exhale.]
You'll be the one who leaves first.
no subject
He can lose it when he logs out.
After all, he needs to take care of Yael first, doesn't he? Pulling out of the hug, Fai takes Yael's face between both of his hands so he can't look away. ]
I won't leave you. I didn't say it to comfort you, Sheza. You're the one. I know it, and it scares me.
no subject
Cheeks smooshed between his favorite twinky hands, Yael doesn't fight it, meeting Yuui's gaze.]
...You say that like I'm not just as afraid.
[Yael laughs, but it's such a weak, almost pitiful sound.]
Damn. What's wrong with us?
no subject
[ He laughs, but it bubbles up in his throat and sounds more akin to a little sob than anything. With a shaky inhale, he momentarily closes his eyes, trying to recenter himself.
So much for camping, honestly. He doesn't have it in him to play at that little charade right now. ]
I can't give you what you want right now, but I don't want you to leave either. I... need time.
[ His heart is locked behind so many doors, after all, and not all of them have opened just yet. Allowing himself to feel so intensely for someone else is a bridge that he still needs to cross. ]
You probably don't want to go on as many dates, or hang out as much as we have been for a little while, do you?
[ Fai knows that Yael is hurt, that he's done irreparable damage to the heart of the one he's falling for. Naturally he'd want some time to himself. That would be a fitting punishment for Fai anyway, and one that hurts Yael less. ]
no subject
In a way, Yael expected this. The reasonable thing to do in a situation like this is to ask for time apart, but it aches just the same. Yael will respect Yuui's boundaries, but a non-insignificant part of him fears there is no coming back from this.
Does he want time away from Yuui? Truly, he doesn't. If anything, he wants more time with him and wants to take every opportunity to make it up to him, but it's too early to plan on making amends. Time is, at moments like these, the only cure.
Yael withdraws from their hug. He sees the tears in Yuui's eyes and hears the sobs stop up in his throat and does nothing. It isn't his right to dry the tears from Yuui's eyes. That's a privilege he's lost today.]
By all means. Take your time.
[He won't answer the question of what he wants. He can't afford to.]
You need anything else? If not, I'm going to log off for the night.
no subject
He isn't sure what he wanted, but it certainly wasn't this. Did he want Yael to fight to keep spending so much time together, even though there's no realistic way he would at this point? Did he want Yael to say it was all okay?
Yuui doesn't know. He doesn't know anything anymore. ]
...You can go.
[ He has to, because Yuui can't hold it together much longer, and he can't afford to let Yael see what will happen to him. Letting Yael feel worse is simply not an option.
And yet, and yet, Yuui can't help but lean forward and press a soft kiss to Yael's cheek anyway. ]
Good night.