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(Catch all) Ominous October Threads
Who: Sinclair and You.
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
“I see now that the path I choose through the maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being—one of many ways—and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.”
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...and he then took everything away from you, including Niamh. You lost your eye, your sense of who you are...but not all of it. Not everything. You were sad for a long time. You didn't describe it like that. But it must have been terribly sad, and lonely.
[Here's what Sinclair knows at least. And the part of him that's honestly a little terrible, because despite piecing together what Mithrun had done, Sinclair couldn't bring himself to baulk or turn away. Mithrun was still Mithrun and Sinclair wont let go]
...and then the professor came back to you. And said you weren't good enough. That someone else would have to pull you up if you couldn't on your own. Then you became angry.
[A pause, a beat.]
You were going to use me, and Kromer to get to Sarabi. I didn't mind though. A part of me still doesn't mind, even if Oria does. I wonder...if you felt a little less lonely, like I did when you realised what I wanted was the same thing you did.
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He's quiet, for a time. )
Why would you want me to remember that?
( Not accusatory. Just trying to understand. )
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Someone made that choice for you.
[A beat , as his eyes narrow]
Lily made that choice for you.
[Squeezing Mithrun's hands again]
In all honesty, there are a lot of people in our lives who probably want us to forget about revenge. It blinded us. It made us both so terrible, both so angry but we couldn't let go.
... even so, we both found things to make us better people. I learned so much from you. From Oria , Tylor, Hani. I love you. All of you. Even if our original intentions weren't good... something grew out of it.
[Michel. Swallow . All of these people touching his lives and shedding light in a way he didn't know was possible]
My story of the fox and owl - that's meant to be for us, you know? Without those people, I wouldn't be able to find other things to drive me. To...'desire'. I'm more than those ugly memories. But if nothing else, I'm able to use them to appreciate what I have now.
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... "I see now that the path I choose through that maze makes me what I am"...
( The quote Sinclair had liked. The quote Mithrun had understood. He's trying. He means to understand.
I love you. All of you. He understands this much, at least. Here, his head eye shone sharper, brighter, if only for the moment.
... )
... You might be right. For a human being... I think those things are true.
( Very particular phrasing. Very supportive sentiment, toward Sinclair.
He is quiet, for a time. )
... I can tell you one thing. One thing that I... don't know for sure. But one thing that I think, after talking to Lily. You and I, we've talked about it a little before, but... I think... I might forget more things, if I tell you. I think that's the pattern.
( His lips purse slightly and his tail flicks, when he says that - in the same way they had throughout the meeting. Every time he'd spoken up about certain things he knew or learned. )
Will you listen?
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"Knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming."
[Sinclair watches Mithrun, eyes intent on him, hands held firmly. In this liminal space, time stretched out into nothingness, no movements of the stars and moon to tell them where they were. But they had this to anchor them]
I'll listen. To everything you have to say.
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Then, he lets his hand slip free.
His gaze turns to the grand library, greatly improved since the first time he'd discovered it, and he approaches a shelf, and he lets his fingers run along them. )
... I think the Wave may be coming.
( His tail flicks, sharp - he grimaces. And still, he turns his gaze up to the vast ceiling. )
I don't know when. But I think it's near. I think— ( He grimaces, lips pursing. ) I think— all of this happening with me... is just one sign of winds changing. That he's taking them away now must mean— must mean something—
( Oh, he presses a palm to his head, shoulders brought up, ears flat, hunched slight. Loss, loss, an endless barrage, now that he knows what this sensation is. It was easier when he didn't know. But... it's strange for him to think this way, right...? Considering...
He's once again preoccupied by the sense that he shouldn't be saying this. How could he forget that, when it was so important? )
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"Unknown where the Cursed Wave was born.
After the stars doth cross the heavens.
The sky in the East doth darken and air doth fill with mourning.
From the chosen land beyond the forest, a sign of the wave comes."
Zelkova said the poem was important. But I don't know if he meant like this--that we should be looking for the first two harbingers--
[Sinclair trails off, his attention drawn by the way Mithrun begins to hunch over, miserable and in pain, fighting off an invisible force that was crippling him]
...Mithrun. Morgan. Fight it. [He marches up and--this time, he pulls Mithrun into a hug from behind] The little fox took a journey on the stars. The stars wont disappear yet. I'm still here. I'm still listening. So, keep talking.[A pause, as he considers Hien's state. But Hien wasn't nearly as crippled as Mithrun. Lily took Mithrun's memories. Misteaks took Mithrun to Lily. But he promised to listen. So he wont hit Mithrun with the questions he desperately wants to ask. He just needs Mithrun to keep talking.]
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He doesn't resist the hug; he doesn't resist the story. But... )
... I can't... I can't tell you more. I think... I've been wrong about things— I didn't trust CC Corp, or Lily, but now, I think I...
( ... )
... No. There's one more thing I can say. But... you promise you won't leave me alone, right?
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I wont. I'll be here.
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... He shifts in Sinclair's arms, so he can turn back, and cup both cheeks in his hands, like he never really does.
His black eye shines crisp, and bright. )
... Sorry, I don't think I can love you. Not in any real way. But... can you keep loving me?
( Love comes in all forms. Its name doesn't need to be romantic. And yet, he can't offer any form of it to Sinclair. )
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I already decided long ago. I wont stop now.
[Love is a tricky thing. There's his love for Oria's, vibrant and clear as the bluest sunny skies. What he feels for Hani: deep as the ocean, overwhelming in the lack of clear vision. Then there's his love for Michel: a soft meadow in a shadowy forest, a place to retreat and reorient himself. His love for Mithrun had always been different from all of that.
He wonders if it is that Mithrun can't love, but he simply doesn't know what it looked like. If that was true at all. His love for Mithrun...]
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He smiles in a way that rings uncannily familiar. )
... Thank you, Sinclair. That makes me happy.
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Sinclair doesn't let go]
...does it?
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( The expression seems to pass, like a mirage - but it does not fully go; as if remnants of glamour, it seems to seep into him, like it's a part of him now. )
... You know, I told Oria once I'd marry you. You'd get an inheritance out of it.
( Though not an abnormal turn of phrase, he says "an" inheritance, rather than "his" own. He remembers his conversation with Oria in Fragment, but not the circumstances of his heritage. )
It sounds like that might useful to you, going forward. It'd at least be nicer than this.
( A withdrawal of love, for unclear reasons. )
1/3
... marry me?
2/3
...I told you before, didn't I? I don't want your money. I don't need it either.
3/3
[That's what his love means. He pulls back firmly, holding Mithrun at arm's length. It's unsettling and unnatural. Like he's looking at the younger Mithrun again. He doesn't like it]
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( He doesn't seem to mind the distance. All the better, even if it stings.
He doesn't seem to be stating fact, but truly wondering. The poem doesn't say what's meant to happen following the Wave, besides speculation that this may be a new beginning. Likewise, they all heard during the meeting that Lily promised people salvation, and to take back this world from CC Corp so they may exist peacefully within it.
There's no promise everyone will get to return to the real world after, though. Like Uta. )
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[He doesn't let go. He's got Mithrun at arm's length, and he's angry, but he's not letting go]
You're the one who fell from the sky again and again to test the limits of this game. The one who ate fugu just to test what could be done -- why are you acting like this?
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His gaze falls to where Sinclair grips him on one side. )
... I feel like I have a goal. At least... I have a name for it. But...
( It feels right. It feels real. It feels true. But, )
... But... even though it feels real, it feels like... it doesn't match the feeling it's affixed to.
( And here, he grimaces slightly, again - touching on a topic that's also forbidden, even though he hadn't thought talking so obliquely was erring too close. )
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[ Everything Mithrun was, everything Mithrun could have been...
Wasn't Lily just scooping out everything bit by bit? Replace each memory, each feeling until there would be nothing left]
And what is that feeling?
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... Hollowing... He's helping me remember... He's filling me up, but I... ( His tail lashes, sharp - forbidden. ) ... I ... just wanted to be emptied out. I wanted to be eaten.
( He raises a hand, and presses it to his forehead, like it's giving him a headache. )
... but I don't know why I feel that way. It must be a good thing, getting filled up... But...
( Miserable as this, enjoy this while he still remembers he wants to be eaten, until that goes away, too. )
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This isn't Mithrun at all.
A spark of anger, burning like wildfire behind Sinclair's steady gaze]
... because you're not being filled up. You're being broken down, bit by bit. You're being remade in a way Lily wants for you. Are you satisfied with that?
What does it mean for you to be 'eaten'?
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... I don't know. That man was eating me... ( Though the intonation is accidental, it's habitually always the same - the way he refers to the professor. Muttering, muttering, ) ... But he didn't finish. He didn't finish, even though he'd chopped me up and served me. He took his time. And then...
( ... he had Mithrun shot. Or so - it feels like. Or so his mind tells him. But some other part of him tells him this is false, this is not quite true, because he's still midway.
His gaze isn't on Sinclair, but vaguely tilted downward, palm to his head, hand gripping his chest, his heart. )
... He broke me down, too. Will Lily finish, or leave me like this...?
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...I think you know the answer better than anyone.
'She' tried to remake me too. Everything she did, was to tear me down and make me something in 'her' image. She would likely leave just enough for me to feel anguish, because that's what she enjoyed. I think Lily is the same.
[Sinclair is not a vindictive person. But he is angry, so very very angry]
I'm sure, after this, you might forget. Everyone is forgetting now. [Sinclair included, he's sure. What is the meaning of that vivid blue scarf, an armor that calls to him but he wont wont equip, unless he absolutely must] But I'm sure deep down, you can remember how angry you once were. Yet, you are loved. Even now.
[Tastes of that memory, of a Mithrun so bitter and sad - so easy to manipulate.]
Are you going to make the same mistakes again?
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