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(Catch all) Ominous October Threads
Who: Sinclair and You.
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
“I see now that the path I choose through the maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being—one of many ways—and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.”
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... He shifts in Sinclair's arms, so he can turn back, and cup both cheeks in his hands, like he never really does.
His black eye shines crisp, and bright. )
... Sorry, I don't think I can love you. Not in any real way. But... can you keep loving me?
( Love comes in all forms. Its name doesn't need to be romantic. And yet, he can't offer any form of it to Sinclair. )
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I already decided long ago. I wont stop now.
[Love is a tricky thing. There's his love for Oria's, vibrant and clear as the bluest sunny skies. What he feels for Hani: deep as the ocean, overwhelming in the lack of clear vision. Then there's his love for Michel: a soft meadow in a shadowy forest, a place to retreat and reorient himself. His love for Mithrun had always been different from all of that.
He wonders if it is that Mithrun can't love, but he simply doesn't know what it looked like. If that was true at all. His love for Mithrun...]
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He smiles in a way that rings uncannily familiar. )
... Thank you, Sinclair. That makes me happy.
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Sinclair doesn't let go]
...does it?
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( The expression seems to pass, like a mirage - but it does not fully go; as if remnants of glamour, it seems to seep into him, like it's a part of him now. )
... You know, I told Oria once I'd marry you. You'd get an inheritance out of it.
( Though not an abnormal turn of phrase, he says "an" inheritance, rather than "his" own. He remembers his conversation with Oria in Fragment, but not the circumstances of his heritage. )
It sounds like that might useful to you, going forward. It'd at least be nicer than this.
( A withdrawal of love, for unclear reasons. )
1/3
... marry me?
2/3
...I told you before, didn't I? I don't want your money. I don't need it either.
3/3
[That's what his love means. He pulls back firmly, holding Mithrun at arm's length. It's unsettling and unnatural. Like he's looking at the younger Mithrun again. He doesn't like it]
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( He doesn't seem to mind the distance. All the better, even if it stings.
He doesn't seem to be stating fact, but truly wondering. The poem doesn't say what's meant to happen following the Wave, besides speculation that this may be a new beginning. Likewise, they all heard during the meeting that Lily promised people salvation, and to take back this world from CC Corp so they may exist peacefully within it.
There's no promise everyone will get to return to the real world after, though. Like Uta. )
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[He doesn't let go. He's got Mithrun at arm's length, and he's angry, but he's not letting go]
You're the one who fell from the sky again and again to test the limits of this game. The one who ate fugu just to test what could be done -- why are you acting like this?
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His gaze falls to where Sinclair grips him on one side. )
... I feel like I have a goal. At least... I have a name for it. But...
( It feels right. It feels real. It feels true. But, )
... But... even though it feels real, it feels like... it doesn't match the feeling it's affixed to.
( And here, he grimaces slightly, again - touching on a topic that's also forbidden, even though he hadn't thought talking so obliquely was erring too close. )
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[ Everything Mithrun was, everything Mithrun could have been...
Wasn't Lily just scooping out everything bit by bit? Replace each memory, each feeling until there would be nothing left]
And what is that feeling?
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... Hollowing... He's helping me remember... He's filling me up, but I... ( His tail lashes, sharp - forbidden. ) ... I ... just wanted to be emptied out. I wanted to be eaten.
( He raises a hand, and presses it to his forehead, like it's giving him a headache. )
... but I don't know why I feel that way. It must be a good thing, getting filled up... But...
( Miserable as this, enjoy this while he still remembers he wants to be eaten, until that goes away, too. )
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This isn't Mithrun at all.
A spark of anger, burning like wildfire behind Sinclair's steady gaze]
... because you're not being filled up. You're being broken down, bit by bit. You're being remade in a way Lily wants for you. Are you satisfied with that?
What does it mean for you to be 'eaten'?
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... I don't know. That man was eating me... ( Though the intonation is accidental, it's habitually always the same - the way he refers to the professor. Muttering, muttering, ) ... But he didn't finish. He didn't finish, even though he'd chopped me up and served me. He took his time. And then...
( ... he had Mithrun shot. Or so - it feels like. Or so his mind tells him. But some other part of him tells him this is false, this is not quite true, because he's still midway.
His gaze isn't on Sinclair, but vaguely tilted downward, palm to his head, hand gripping his chest, his heart. )
... He broke me down, too. Will Lily finish, or leave me like this...?
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...I think you know the answer better than anyone.
'She' tried to remake me too. Everything she did, was to tear me down and make me something in 'her' image. She would likely leave just enough for me to feel anguish, because that's what she enjoyed. I think Lily is the same.
[Sinclair is not a vindictive person. But he is angry, so very very angry]
I'm sure, after this, you might forget. Everyone is forgetting now. [Sinclair included, he's sure. What is the meaning of that vivid blue scarf, an armor that calls to him but he wont wont equip, unless he absolutely must] But I'm sure deep down, you can remember how angry you once were. Yet, you are loved. Even now.
[Tastes of that memory, of a Mithrun so bitter and sad - so easy to manipulate.]
Are you going to make the same mistakes again?
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He still remembers the attachment strengthened in Fragment; coming to Sinclair when he was upset, consoling, though awkwardly, when he was hopeless.
How strange, how surreal. )
... Giving in is easier than fighting it.
( He murmurs this; not in protest, but reflection.
That's how it's always been, though he doesn't remember it now - laying on the hospital bed; sitting alone in his apartment, and accepting this was all life was going to ever be. It was easier to hope that someone would finish off what little of him there was left, instead of believe he could ever claw his way to some fuller, vibrant state. It's not that he wants to die. It's that he just doesn't want to exist that way anymore.
Yet, you are loved. Even now.
Did he have that before? )
... I don't want to make the same mistakes. But I don't know what to do. The more I speak, the more I lose.
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[He looks at the ears, at the clothes]
Don't become his pet.
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There is a vague sense of Mithrun, as he normally is, in his expression. )
He didn't convince me. That might be why... if what I recall as true isn't true... ( if ) that might be why he's doing this by force.
I asked him questions... I don't have all the pieces. But... I don't regret sharing what I have. I don't care if it isn't me who figures it out— as long as someone can. ( He's willing to trade in his memories to give someone better-equipped a chance to make a difference. ) I don't like... that he's hurting the people I care for.
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[Just a small seed then, planted to bloom now. Sinclair sees that remnant of Mithrun, glitterng. That anger]
...if all you have to you right now is a feeling of vengeance and anger, use it. If you don't like what he's doing, keep feeding those feelings. He can't take it all away from you then.
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... I don't know for sure. It might be. ( His data did interact with an abnormal glitch, and an abnormal Area... ) He wouldn't talk to me directly until just recently. When everyone started hearing him. That he's reaching out to so many now... might also be a sign, I think.
( Sudden changes in MO never bode well when dealing with enigmatic entities.
He's quiet, for a moment. )
It's possible I might fail. Even if I try. ( That's life - and he is of simple purpose, if his new memories are to be believed. ) I don't want to ask you to save me. The weight of that's too heavy. ( Save yourself first, is what he means. ) But I don't think you'd want to kill me, either, or walk away. What would you do then?
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[But Mithrun was different. A slow erosion of self no one could notice until now, because of how Mithrun had been behaving. Sinclair shakes his head]
...I'm not a hero. I barely know what I'm doing. [The desperate questions, the frantic run from point A to point B - scrambling for any information he can use to protect the people around him] But I want to try. I don't want to run away.
[He studies Mithrun and thinks: oh. This is where their vengeance pact would lead them to. He doesn't want to kill Mithrun but:]
I'm angry, Mithrun. I can't just walk away now.
[Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury.
And Sinclair's fury was an inferno that knew no boundaries]
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... )
... Don't lose yourself in your anger, like I did. Don't lose yourself completely.
You have people who love you, too.
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...I was in a dungeon with Winter. It looked like my home. She was there. I nearly lost myself then, but Winter pulled me back. [He picks up the next book - Stardust - and holds it out to Mithrun] Everyone has pulled me back each time. Justy. Hani. Oria. You.
[Sinclair could only feel anger this keenly because he loved so deeply. And even those whose touch was lighter, he felt their convictions when they told him to stop. It was only now, as it all came together, he really understood what it all meant]
I wont lose myself anymore. But...if nothing else, I want to be selfish. I want justice.
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... Okay. I'll be counting on you, if I can't be the one to do it.
( Counting on him to find justice - counting on him to be the guillotine; either toward him, or Lily and CC Corp, or whoever else might be tormenting him. )
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