altimit | (Catch all) Ominous October Threads

It helps me more than you know.

( The expression seems to pass, like a mirage - but it does not fully go; as if remnants of glamour, it seems to seep into him, like it's a part of him now. )

... You know, I told Oria once I'd marry you. You'd get an inheritance out of it.

( Though not an abnormal turn of phrase, he says "an" inheritance, rather than "his" own. He remembers his conversation with Oria in Fragment, but not the circumstances of his heritage. )

It sounds like that might useful to you, going forward. It'd at least be nicer than this.

( A withdrawal of love, for unclear reasons. )

[ Okay wait hold up hold up hold up, all thought processes come to a crashing halt]

... marry me?

[ There's the flash of anger again, the dismissal of--everything. ]

...I told you before, didn't I? I don't want your money. I don't need it either.

What I want is for you to choose a path that doesn't end up with you dead.

[That's what his love means. He pulls back firmly, holding Mithrun at arm's length. It's unsettling and unnatural. Like he's looking at the younger Mithrun again. He doesn't like it]

... I don't think anyone is going to die. But I wonder if anyone will be able to go home, after this.

( He doesn't seem to mind the distance. All the better, even if it stings.

He doesn't seem to be stating fact, but truly wondering. The poem doesn't say what's meant to happen following the Wave, besides speculation that this may be a new beginning. Likewise, they all heard during the meeting that Lily promised people salvation, and to take back this world from CC Corp so they may exist peacefully within it.

There's no promise everyone will get to return to the real world after, though. Like Uta. )

And you're fine with that? Living a half-life in this world, no goals, nothing to fight for, as Lily tries to steal everything that makes us who we are? This is like dying.

[He doesn't let go. He's got Mithrun at arm's length, and he's angry, but he's not letting go]

You're the one who fell from the sky again and again to test the limits of this game. The one who ate fugu just to test what could be done -- why are you acting like this?

( Living with an overbearing emptiness, losing who you are... That sounds familiar; it feels like something he forgot.

His gaze falls to where Sinclair grips him on one side. )

... I feel like I have a goal. At least... I have a name for it. But...

( It feels right. It feels real. It feels true. But, )

... But... even though it feels real, it feels like... it doesn't match the feeling it's affixed to.

( And here, he grimaces slightly, again - touching on a topic that's also forbidden, even though he hadn't thought talking so obliquely was erring too close. )

...I think I get it now.

[ Everything Mithrun was, everything Mithrun could have been...

Wasn't Lily just scooping out everything bit by bit? Replace each memory, each feeling until there would be nothing left]

And what is that feeling?

( He's quiet for a time. Self-reflection is not his strong suit, and he has to dig, and dig, to find the original feeling beneath the purpose gilded over it. Without revenge to muddy his head, he finds... )

... Hollowing... He's helping me remember... He's filling me up, but I... ( His tail lashes, sharp - forbidden. ) ... I ... just wanted to be emptied out. I wanted to be eaten.

( He raises a hand, and presses it to his forehead, like it's giving him a headache. )

... but I don't know why I feel that way. It must be a good thing, getting filled up... But...

( Miserable as this, enjoy this while he still remembers he wants to be eaten, until that goes away, too. )

[ Sinclair hadn't questioned it before, during the meeting. Mithrun had all sorts of costumes that weren't at all modest. But this felt different now. Looking at Mithrun like this, watch those ears move, that tail lash around...

This isn't Mithrun at all.

A spark of anger, burning like wildfire behind Sinclair's steady gaze]

... because you're not being filled up. You're being broken down, bit by bit. You're being remade in a way Lily wants for you. Are you satisfied with that?

What does it mean for you to be 'eaten'?

( ... Remade... )

... I don't know. That man was eating me... ( Though the intonation is accidental, it's habitually always the same - the way he refers to the professor. Muttering, muttering, ) ... But he didn't finish. He didn't finish, even though he'd chopped me up and served me. He took his time. And then...

( ... he had Mithrun shot. Or so - it feels like. Or so his mind tells him. But some other part of him tells him this is false, this is not quite true, because he's still midway.

His gaze isn't on Sinclair, but vaguely tilted downward, palm to his head, hand gripping his chest, his heart. )

... He broke me down, too. Will Lily finish, or leave me like this...?

[ah. That's right. That's the source of all the anger and hatred]

...I think you know the answer better than anyone.

'She' tried to remake me too. Everything she did, was to tear me down and make me something in 'her' image. She would likely leave just enough for me to feel anguish, because that's what she enjoyed. I think Lily is the same.

[Sinclair is not a vindictive person. But he is angry, so very very angry]

I'm sure, after this, you might forget. Everyone is forgetting now. [Sinclair included, he's sure. What is the meaning of that vivid blue scarf, an armor that calls to him but he wont wont equip, unless he absolutely must] But I'm sure deep down, you can remember how angry you once were. Yet, you are loved. Even now.

[Tastes of that memory, of a Mithrun so bitter and sad - so easy to manipulate.]

Are you going to make the same mistakes again?

( He listens, and it resonates as familiar. Between this and their similar quests for revenge - he wonders if this is why he feels so strongly when he looks at Sinclair, even now, with those underlying memories gone? Or is it because Sinclair is like this, so persistent, so earnest, so bright, in anger or love, even as he flags beneath the weight?

He still remembers the attachment strengthened in Fragment; coming to Sinclair when he was upset, consoling, though awkwardly, when he was hopeless.

How strange, how surreal. )

... Giving in is easier than fighting it.

( He murmurs this; not in protest, but reflection.

That's how it's always been, though he doesn't remember it now - laying on the hospital bed; sitting alone in his apartment, and accepting this was all life was going to ever be. It was easier to hope that someone would finish off what little of him there was left, instead of believe he could ever claw his way to some fuller, vibrant state. It's not that he wants to die. It's that he just doesn't want to exist that way anymore.

Yet, you are loved. Even now.

Did he have that before? )

... I don't want to make the same mistakes. But I don't know what to do. The more I speak, the more I lose.

Edited 2023-10-16 08:02 (UTC)

...then we get smarter. If speaking directly means he steals more from you, then don't. There are ways. He couldn't persuade me. There's a lot of people who ignored him.

[He looks at the ears, at the clothes]

Don't become his pet.

( Pet... he touches his neck, fingers brushing along the gemstone choker there - or is it a collar?

There is a vague sense of Mithrun, as he normally is, in his expression. )

He didn't convince me. That might be why... if what I recall as true isn't true... ( if ) that might be why he's doing this by force.

I asked him questions... I don't have all the pieces. But... I don't regret sharing what I have. I don't care if it isn't me who figures it out— as long as someone can. ( He's willing to trade in his memories to give someone better-equipped a chance to make a difference. ) I don't like... that he's hurting the people I care for.

Edited 2023-10-16 08:23 (UTC)

...Ah. 'Recursive Fool's Errand'. Did it happen then?

[Just a small seed then, planted to bloom now. Sinclair sees that remnant of Mithrun, glitterng. That anger]

...if all you have to you right now is a feeling of vengeance and anger, use it. If you don't like what he's doing, keep feeding those feelings. He can't take it all away from you then.

( Recursive Fool's Errand... That feels like so long ago. )

... I don't know for sure. It might be. ( His data did interact with an abnormal glitch, and an abnormal Area... ) He wouldn't talk to me directly until just recently. When everyone started hearing him. That he's reaching out to so many now... might also be a sign, I think.

( Sudden changes in MO never bode well when dealing with enigmatic entities.

He's quiet, for a moment. )

It's possible I might fail. Even if I try. ( That's life - and he is of simple purpose, if his new memories are to be believed. ) I don't want to ask you to save me. The weight of that's too heavy. ( Save yourself first, is what he means. ) But I don't think you'd want to kill me, either, or walk away. What would you do then?

...the coming of the Wave?

[But Mithrun was different. A slow erosion of self no one could notice until now, because of how Mithrun had been behaving. Sinclair shakes his head]

...I'm not a hero. I barely know what I'm doing. [The desperate questions, the frantic run from point A to point B - scrambling for any information he can use to protect the people around him] But I want to try. I don't want to run away.

[He studies Mithrun and thinks: oh. This is where their vengeance pact would lead them to. He doesn't want to kill Mithrun but:]

I'm angry, Mithrun. I can't just walk away now.

[Beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury.

And Sinclair's fury was an inferno that knew no boundaries]

( At mention of the Wave - he nods. Still speculation. But he has good reason to believe he might be right.

... )

... Don't lose yourself in your anger, like I did. Don't lose yourself completely.

You have people who love you, too.

...yeah. I know. [He finally lets go of Mithrun to look at the bookshelves, placing the book "Anthroposophy for Dummies"]

...I was in a dungeon with Winter. It looked like my home. She was there. I nearly lost myself then, but Winter pulled me back. [He picks up the next book - Stardust - and holds it out to Mithrun] Everyone has pulled me back each time. Justy. Hani. Oria. You.

[Sinclair could only feel anger this keenly because he loved so deeply. And even those whose touch was lighter, he felt their convictions when they told him to stop. It was only now, as it all came together, he really understood what it all meant]

I wont lose myself anymore. But...if nothing else, I want to be selfish. I want justice.

( ... He takes the book, paging through it. He's not in much state to read - though he holds a conversation, his mind is a stressful scramble of too many things, too many memories lost at once and too many memories and beliefs gained much too fast - but he does skim through the lines, vaguely. )

... Okay. I'll be counting on you, if I can't be the one to do it.

( Counting on him to find justice - counting on him to be the guillotine; either toward him, or Lily and CC Corp, or whoever else might be tormenting him. )

Mm. You don't need to worry about me so much anymore. I've gotten a little stronger.

[The pieces have come back together, melded by heat. The cracks are there, and wont ever disappear.]

Like you said, there are people who love me too.

[ But he's not as afraid anymore, when there are so many hands willing to drag him back up and help him work out what he needs to put back into place]

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