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(Catch all) Ominous October Threads
Who: Sinclair and You.
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
What: Dungeon runs, trauma bonding etc
When: All throughout October.
Warnings: Gore, Emeto, Psychological horror in one thread, NSFW stuff in another
“I see now that the path I choose through the maze makes me what I am. I am not only a thing, but also a way of being—one of many ways—and knowing the paths I have followed and the ones left to take will help me understand what I am becoming.”
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It's fine.
( He'd literally drag himself by the teeth to Sinclair if he had to. )
Let's get inside. You came to the battle like that?
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... It's fine.
[ Hypocrisy!!]
It only looks worse now.
[Except Sinclair keeps looking away when he says that because he's a terrible liar]
Come on. The gardens are nice here...
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He can tell Sinclair isn't the most stable support, and it only makes him purse his lips that much more. For what it's worth, though, he's trying pretty hard not to keep all his weight on Sinclair; it doesn't amount to much, but they're both struggling together, at least. )
... I've never been to this guild before.
( As soon as they come upon a bench or anything remotely sittable, he's dragging them down it, you will Sit!! )
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[Maybe too much thinking? Together, they hobble over to a bench overlooking a serene Japanese rock garden, cherry blossoms drifting in the air. In the garden, Orion the pomchi runs around, content on exploring.
And ooph, he's sitting, he's sitting!!!]
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Mithrun seems pretty tired; everything from earlier has left him exhausted and sore emotionally and physically, and getting over here was an ordeal. But... he doesn't regret it.
He gazes at Sinclair for what feels like the first time in a very long time, even if it's only been a week. )
... What have you been thinking about, lately?
( There are some obvious guesses, but he didn't come all this way to talk to his projected image of Sinclair... for once. )
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I've been wondering how many memories I've lost already.
[There's a worn journal next to Sinclair on the bench, along with a cup of tea. He seems to remember and he takes another one out of his inventory and sets it down for Mithrun too.]
I woke up today and realised I don't remember the names of most of my coworkers anymore, except for 'Rodya' and 'Don'. But I don't remember what they look like either. It's...scary. Is that how you felt? Winter, Hien...
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... "Scary" might have been the word for it. I know I felt alone. I felt like... I wasn't connected to anyone or anything. And I'd keep losing those things.
( Unanchored, without stable ground... Endlessly haunted by loss. )
... Did you write anything down about them, before you forgot?
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'Rodya is always teasing me with Gregor, but she also gives me really nice snacks all the time. I wish I could eat them again, but I can't read Korean, so I don't know the name.'
'Don is twenty five, but she doesn't feel like it. When I'm with her, it feels like I'm not the only kid in the Zwei team of Limbus...I really wish she'd stop asking me to play chess with her though, if she keeps getting Yi Sang to help her'.
...it's not as detailed as I would like. I don't know their face, or their voice. But they're important enough to exist in this.
[A journal that was Sinclair's heart really, untouched by Fragment's slow erosion of everything that would make them 'them']
...did you ever meet them? I remember our visit...I just can't put names to faces anymore.
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... I did. Them, and a few more. They were strange, but I didn't dislike them. They were...
( And so he will begin to recite. He begins by describing his visit to Sinclair; the tour of the company he'd been given, and the people he'd met there, and the research he'd spoken to a particular two about; the work Sinclair did, and Sinclair's impressions of these people he worked and lived with (at least, some of them?); he recalls it clearly, as if it'd happened only last week.
Whatever sort of person this may make him, these memories are his alone. They're not for Cubia to take, or the professor to dismantle. It will be his choice, what he does with them in the end. )
... I had considered working there, after the beta ended. After Fragment ended, and we returned to our lives. And you, I think... didn't seem like you disliked working there, despite everything.
( And they were hiding him from Kromer, too... for... the short while that lasted... oops... )
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He's quiet, letting Mithrun speak, drinking in every word. It's a different perspective from what he wrote in his journal he thinks. More clinical, more Mithrun-like but...]
... honestly it sounds a little fun. Chaotic. Maybe the coworkers are terrible. But from your description...it seems like I'd have to keep growing to keep up.
[ Why was Vogel his name? Because at the end of the day, he wanted to see the world.
And Fragment was such a small place to live in]
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... It isn't hard, to change?
( Though, he supposes Sinclair's missing most of his context now, but... )
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... It is easy to fall back into old habits.
( Agreeing. Especially for him, who operates heavily through habits to function - changing them isn't so easy, but... he's seen what lays at the other end of "try," and he can't disagree that it's... worth the effort - or, it seems like it. )
But I think you can change more, if you want to. You've already changed a lot since the first time we met here. I think... you're steadier now.
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...I want to be. [ Softly ] I know I've scared people, hurt them, losing myself to my anger. I don't want them to hurt anymore because I've been reckless.
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... How do you control that?
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[Reaching out with his hand to catch falling petals]
...I think about how my anger did lead to them getting hurt to protect me...and I know I can't stand that happening again.
[Mithrun of the future: Sinclair will show up at your bedside and just stare you down for forgetting this.]
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He glances at Sinclair. )
... Hurt? Who?
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[ Sinclair smiles wryly as he fidgets with his book]
It was back before the meeting at Ganymede's mansion. I wasn't...stable, and one of the dungeons we visited turned into a nightmare. My nightmare.
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... )
... Was it Kromer?
( For Sinclair, she was the best one at keeping him off-kilter. )
... A memory of the past.
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...it wasn't just a memory. The dungeon...had warped according to my feelings. The more scared I was, the more powerful the monsters became. The more angry I was, the easier it was to carve through them like butter.
[His voice is a little faint, wavering on this note:]
In that dungeon, I killed my sister. She was trying to protect me, Michel...but I didn't think she'd be in my way. I cut through her, and the enemy...
[He still remembers that feeling, the way his halberd cleaved through the bodies with terrifying ease, the corpses falling to the floor, guts and viscera mingling...
He presses a hand to his mouth, shaking]
It wasn't real. But I still--
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Cubia.
Sinclair had just spoke of the dangers of vengeance, of anger - but how could he abide by it when it mean Cubia frolicked free?
(And yet, how strange it feels to be so angry for another person. He had been - frustrated for Sinclair, eventually, when the topic of Kromer came up, but now... It seems he's grown just a little bit after all that, to comprehend a little bit of empathy. Just some.)
He sets a hand to his neck, halfway across the scruff and back. )
Stop.
( But, as Michel had pointed out... As Mithrun had noticed, too - was he that much better?
He had, after all, used Kromer to hurt Sinclair, too. )
You're in the garden. Sinclair. Zelkova's, in the Moon Tree's @ home.
( He rubs the back of his neck, half-gripping it with his motions. A somewhat aggressive rub, but a grounding touch all the same. )
... I shouldn't have made you retell it.
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...okay. Okay. [He repeats it again, and finally his fingers uncurl from his book.]
Michel got injured protecting me around then. And that's when I knew what I had done was wrong.
[A small smile, sad and faint. He hasn't quite let go; but he's made the resolution to not chase revenge blindly either]
...I wont forgive her. But, I can't throw everything away for revenge. It'll destroy everyone around me first.
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He lets his hand fall, and it rests on the bench for a time. )
... Sorry. For the things I said last time we were at the training ground... with me as myself.
( The whole Kromer bodysnatching thing, )
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He looks at Mithrun in surprise, a strange tangle of feelings tugging in him. But his expression softens, and he nods, reaching out to touch Mithrun's hand. Is this where he says 'thank you'? No one has ever apologised to him for something like this before, maybe because he's always accepted it. It's an odd feeling to know he actually wanted to hear it, to know he was more than just a tool for Mithrun's revenge]
...I forgave you awhile back...but thank you all the same. [It seems so long ago now, but it's been a mere few weeks]
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... You don't have to forgive me.
( He didn't think he'd get forgiveness. He had expected the conversation to be awkward, not graceful. He doesn't know if this means Sinclair's grown, or... if maybe he was always this way.
He might've been. His heart always was more tender.
Mithrun squeezes his hand, gentle. If Sinclair will forgive him, he'll accept it. )
... But I thought I should say something. You left me that note.
( The one at the back of the book Sinclair had given him.
Mithrun, for most of his life, hasn't known family as any close or positive thing. But for that briefest moment Cael had returned to him, and he had seen how mindfully Cael cared for him despite their history, he considered... it could maybe be something worthwhile, rather than just a burden. And he knows family means no small thing to Sinclair - even, Mithrun thinks, with his memories altered.
He isn't really sure if he had a name for this relationship he had with Sinclair; it was something affected by a filter of anger toward the professor, on Mithrun's end. But, with that filter removed - after everything... did Sinclair's sentiment still hold? )
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