September and secret nsfw october shenanigans

[insinning]

Who: Emil Sinclair (Vogel) and anyone/everyone
When: All over September
What: Catch all, exploration, overflow + dungeon runs; lots of feelings and grieving and murderous thoughts.
Warnings: Nsfw in 25/9 thread just to be safe

 

"Over all the hilltops
Is quiet now,
In all the treetops
Hearest thou
Hardly a breath;
the birds are asleep in the trees:
Wait, soon like these
Thou too shalt rest."

Comments

[insinning]

[This is why he doesn't mind the ache. It hurts more than he can describe. But Oria is here. They're together. Everything is a little more bearable when Oria is hear.

More tears roll down his face. It's the first time he's truly cried since finding Mithrun's body. Like a dam cracking, the tears spill out]

Mm...he seemed to think I could write something worthwhile. [Even though Mithrun had no reason to] Once everything was over...[He leans against Oria, steadying himself]

Do you want to hear?

[dissimulative]

Yeah.

[ Oria adjusts his position so that Sinclair can be more comfortable when leaning on him. ]

I want to hear it—the story you two made.

[insinning]

[Sinclair nods, squeezing Oria's hand again, as he tries to recall it. How they had decided to bring the story together. It hurts.

It had hurt then, too. But it had been them, fighting against whispers.]

There was once a Fox, abandoned in a city, with nothing but old, broken umbrellas to keep it company. It yearned relentlessly for a home, companionship. Not just meaningless gestures of kindness. [Was that how it went? Yes, it's clearer now] It travelled the city without rest, searching for anything at all.

Then it meets an Owl. The Owl understood the Fox, but it couldn't be the companion or home it sought for. Because the Fox belonged to the ground, and the Owl would take to the skies.

[dissimulative]

Mm... did the fox try to look for someone else?

[ Oria wonders how this story came to be between the two, especially when Mithrun didn't seem like the type to write stories. ]

[insinning]

Yeah. But in that moment, neither of them had felt alone. So they learned from each other, and the fox realised - even though its companions may not stay constant, its friendship with the Owl was genuine.

[That had been Mithrun's contribution]

And so, the Owl took the Fox upon its wings and soared to the highest part of the city, where all the lights drowned out the stars. The Fox realised something. Every star was another lonely soul it couldn't see, because the lights blinded it. And so, even though the Owl had to leave...the Fox chose to stay, shedding the umbrellas that had bound it.

[This is where he had ended the story with Mithrun. But Mithrun said it could keep going]

Years passed, and the Fox continue to search for a home, and friendship. It had many companions over the years, but never a home. It taught its companions what the Owl taught it, and let them leave to find a place of their own.

Then, it means a child. A child that has fallen from the stars.

[The child cried endless tears. Home. It wanted to go home.

The Fox knew it had to return the child to its home. And the Fox, duty bound, took the child with it and took the long journey to the stars. And along the way, it reencountered its companions, one by one. And one by one, they all followed, until they reached the skies in the mountains, where the child could reach for the stars again.

It is here, the Fox realised something: home was with the hearts of those you touched, and were touched by in turn.

It's not the best ending. But Mithrun thought the story could continue and, he wanted to make something that could continue. The journey wouldn't end with the stars.]

[dissimulative]

[ Oria listens. Friendship, companionship, a home. They're all what people want.

... ]

I think you should publish it. It has a good message.

[insinning]

[Sinclair looks at Oria in surprise and then he smiles, ducking his head. Ah, was he crying that whole time? His throat hurts. But his chest feels lighter, somehow]

...he said something similar too.

[The boats are gone now. Sinclair can't see them anymore]

I...I'll have to think about what it looks like. But...maybe I will.

[A story for sad, lonely people like him and Mithrun, who found a world through Fragment full of people that shone brighter than reality, no matter how brief it had been. Leaning into Oria a little more with a soft exhale]

Thank you. For listening.

[For accompanying him. Sharing in their grief together. Everything is a little easier to manage now. Thread by thread, stitch back up the wounds and let them heal]

[dissimulative]

I'm sure you'll be able to think of something wonderful.

[ Oria lightly taps Sinclair's head with his own. ]

And as for me, I'll always be here with you. It's been... a roller coaster of emotions, that's for sure.

[insinning]

[ He closes his eyes briefly as he rubs his thumb over Oria's hand. Even as much as it hurts, they have each other. It's more than enough. It's everything.]

Mm... it's a little tiring, isn't it?

[dissimulative]

Yeah.

[ Oria looks out to the ocean and turns to look at Sinclair. ]

If Mithrun was gonna get distracted anyway, then he should have gotten fully distracted. Maybe then, he'd know what it's like... to live a life that he'd actually want.

[insinning]

[Sinclair looks up and thinks - how many times had he asked Mithrun? What will you do when--

His own vengeance has always been tainted by a desperate need for something warm and secure. Maybe that's why he's always been wishy-washy and weak. But Mithrun...]

...I wonder why if that's why he asked me about my future. He always reminded me, when it got difficult...I think deep down, he wanted that too. His apartment was so empty.

[dissimulative]

I told him he had friends in Fragment. Logging out just to see his empty apartment... I imagine it would be lonely to just about anyone.

[ Oria tugs Sinclair over so that they he can sit on the rocks and have Sinclair sit on his lap. He uses his arm so that Sinclair can have something to rest his back against with his legs off the side instead of something like straddling. ]

... I brought more paper and candles just in case, because I thought that I would want to do a send-off for two more people. I mentioned my ex, Lenore, to you already, so I assumed you'd have the materials for that.

I had a friend. His name was Cethin. He was my best friend ever since the beginning of high school. He was fun to tease and get reactions out of, he didn't just sit there and take it, rambunctious... you know the whole nine yards for the punk you have as a classmate in school. We shared a dorm room all those years too.

[ Oria doesn't want to mention how he and Cethin were strictly friends. It felt like it would be disrespecting him if he ever asked him out. Not that he had a crush on him or anything, but Oria thought their friendship was so strong, that calling it something else would be an insult to its integrity. ]

There was one thing he loved though--photography. I never really understood it though. Taking pictures for a memory... then what? I couldn't understand the appeal while everyone else had. He never went without his polaroid camera though. He tried to get me to understand why people like photos so much.

[insinning]

He sounds like a good person.

[ Oria deserved friends. Good friends that could support him. There's nothing to shy away from there at all.

Sinclair rests his head against Oria's neck, listening to Oria's words - all those things he kept locked up so tightly - spilling out. Oria's arm is secure around him, so he just lets his hand rest against Oria's chest, feeling for the steady beat of his heart.

Photographs, huh? ]

Memories are important. [Some people could hold onto those without a photograph. Others needed them to hang on for longer] I think I could see both sides to it. [A pause, then gently]

...what happened to him?

[dissimulative]

We got caught in a crossfire between gang territory disputes. We were just on our way back with other friends from the movies... he didn't make it.

[ "If it was a fairy tale, I would have had my way with everything" was specifically said for this reason. ]

[insinning]

[These are the things Sinclair hates. People getting hurt needlessly. People dying because of other people's actions. He swallows and his fingers curl a little more against Oria's chest]

I'm sorry.

[That should have been a fun outing. Simple. Easy. Not tainted like that]

[dissimulative]

[ Seeing dead friends' bodies... yay....

Oria shakes his head. ]

It is what it is. He gave me a polaroid camera a little before that, actually. Told me to try it out myself, but... I still don't understand.

[insinning]

[Hmm.]

...I think remembering is a good thing. Remembering who you loved, who loved you and all those moments in between. Sharing what you loved...Photos help with that.

[He exhales softly]

Looking back doesn't have to be a bad thing.

[dissimulative]

... Yeah. It's not a bad thing.

[ But is it still something he can afford to do? He can now, but he has loads of free time, but later? Doubt. But Oria appreciates the sentiment either way. ]

Maybe I'll eventually understand, but... not today.

[ A gentle breeze blows between them. ]

Though your words are always helpful, Emil. You're so wise.

[insinning]

We have time.

[ Sinclair says. They'll make time. But Sinclair knows he wants concrete things to remember. Time faded memories after all.

He shakes his head a little, smiling.]

Am I? I'm just trying to figure things out too and work out how I feel, what other people feel...what I want and what they want.

[He's stumbling around in the dark, helplessly grasping at anything he can]

[dissimulative]

At least you're trying. That's already a lot better than most people.

[ Oria smiles and lightly taps Sinclair's nose. Boop. ]

So yeah, that's Cethin. The other boat...

[ ...

Oria keeps his smile, but this one seems a little more confused as if he's not sure how to feel. ]

You remember the check I sent you?

[insinning]

[His nose is not for booping.

He looks up, frowning a little at Oria's expression]

...yeah. It said it was from 'Satria Evelynn.'

[He had thought it was odd, but at the time he had just been flustered over the amount sent over]

[dissimulative]

... Yeah.

[ Oria pauses, because he's still gathering the method of how he should explain this in his head. It'll be the first time that he will be willingly revealing this to someone else. While it fills him up with dread because he's never done this before, he pulls Sinclair closer to him to try and negate that feeling.

... ]

It's my second account.

[ Under a fake name, but he feels like he doesn't need to say that. Anything sure is possible when you have a shit ton of money. ]

But surely, the person named "Satria" existed at some point, because they did. He's been unpersoned, but I've been living in his shadow ever since he was born.

[ He looks down to meet Sinclair's eyes with his own that are still struggling in wondering how to connect words when it's usually so easy. ]

He was supposed to be my dead twin brother.

[insinning]

[ Sinclair reaches up, cupping Oria's cheek gently. Even before Oria speaks, he knows this is the hardest thing Oria has to say. So he listens, without interruption, his brow furrowing as he puts the information together...]

Your dead twin brother...Oria...

[His heart aches.

"Living in a shadow", Oria's first armor set...

Was that because of 'Satria's' shadow? But, why?]

cw transphobia, misogyny

[dissimulative]

[ Oria leans a little into Sinclair's hand as if to have a little reprieve from this difficult topic. It's really one thing if this game forcefully showed it to others, but talking about it by choice still feels daunting, even if he's halfway there and that Sinclair is right here, giving him support. This is a test of will and trust for a secret that Oria thought he would be taking to the grave. His family, his mother, will be undoubtedly upset if they ever found that he told anyone willingly. Oria hasn't told them the incident regarding the mirrors either, but this will be the greatest offense he's ever done against his family— ]

I resented him. Funny, since he was dead right out of the womb and erased like he never existed. I can be petty, but being that petty? Against a barely finished fetus? That would be like a whole new level. But I figured... even if there's always one person mourning him, I should give him a proper send off.

[ He quietly breathes in. ]

Mom was looking forward to Satria, because he was a boy. And I...

[ It would be easy to guess the context from here, but Oria tries so very hard to spit it out. He's almost there. He just needs to finish. He wants to finish. Oria came all this way, so he might as well.

But it's so hard.

Oria hardly mentions his own weaknesses, even if they seem mundane. In the 2000s, if word of this got out, he would be a social pariah—even worse since he's supposed to be maintaining that certain image of perfectionism in every way.

Even so, Sinclair deserves the truth, so Oria wants to finish what he wants to say. ]

... wasn't.

Re: cw transphobia, misogyny

[insinning]

[ Understanding dawns on Sinclair, as the final piece finally falls in place. Oria's mother wanted a son. Oria hadn't been a son.

The Severines were so powerful they could make anything happen at all.

Including this...the armor, the pauses Oria would sometimes get, the way he refused to take off his clothes even if he wasn't remotely modest in every other way...

He cups Oria's face with both hands and presses their foreheads together, as if trying to will everything he feels, everything he wants to say to pass between them just like that.]

Oria...[ His voice wavers for a moment and oh, he's going to cry again. But he's also angry. Incredibly angry]

Someone's shadow? What the hell is that. You're Oria Severine, and you shine brighter than anyone else. There's no way anyone could overshadow you. [ Firm, heated] This changes nothing.