Open | The Epicurians Present: The 1st of September Beach Bash!

[bleatingedge]

Who ► Leo & Anyone that wishes to join!
What ► BEACH PARTY!!
When ► September 1st
Where ► Δ Haggard Traveler's Reprieve
Content Warnings ► People will be drunk. Will add to if needed

[The time has come... for fun! Δ Haggard Traveler's Reprieve has been decorated with all the niceties that a beach party requires - docks for fishing, large umbrellas to hide from the sun, several tables with sets of chairs for sitting and conversing, and the most obvious addition: a massive roaring bonfire with a big cooking mesh over the top of it for barbecue cookin'!

Leo's wearing a fishing hat and aviators alongside his trademark loincloth-and-nothing-else getup for maximum dissonance. From his position on the other side of the bonfire, he waves a hand at those arriving.]

Welcome to the Beach Bash! Snacks and drinks are on the tables, bottles of sunscreen and crafting tables are under the umbrellas, and complementary fishing gear are at the docks for your convenience. Have fun, friends~

[Emperor Grunty is also here, should you wish to annoy him! He's currently laying in the sand with a reflector. What? Grunties need their sun too!]

Comments

[gluttoning]

[His fault?

...

He looks back over the statements. Of pain and betrayal and grief, begging and pleading and pointing fingers, from the mouth of a brother who loved him. He finds so many that he's worried, every day, to hear from Booker. He finds so many he's heard already from someone he doesn't want to think about.

...]

He loved you, too. [He hands over his own spear with one hand while his other traces back down. To kinder words. Lost behind hurt and guilt.]

...What happened?

[tablescraps]

( Feelings change, is what his expression seems to suggest. Maybe once, his brother cared for him, but Mithrun missed that chance - like he missed out on all other things. He was gone for too long. He made poor choices. And this was the consequence. It was the first time he'd recognized the way his actions hurt others, instead of just him.

The question, though, leaves him quiet - did he want to hide the truth from Barrett? He knows he shouldn't tell him, but he's struggling with his lack of desire to hide. But - necessarily, there must be some things he can't say if he wants to get by, right? It's a mechanical thought process, not one motivated by a need to keep secrets, despite knowing he should. )

... I remember being hurt she fell in love with my brother, when she'd always said I was special to her.

( Niamh had confided in him the way she didn't anyone else, she said; his brother was so unworthy of her; but if that was true, what did that make Morgan, who was so much less? - all sentiments that echo from the memory Barrett had seen from Mithrun, once.

His finger brush along the lillies briefly before he takes up the spear. )

... I wanted to convince her to be with me. ( And that's when the Professor slid in, as Mithrun said once. ) He convinced me to do things... that ultimately caused her death, in the end.

( He skewers a fish and offers it to Barrett, it's (probably a bit burnt) skin cooling down now that it's had it's time in the sand. )

I didn't pull the trigger. But I could have prevented it; and if I weren't there, it wouldn't have happened.

[gluttoning]

[The heartbreak... Barrett remembers it from their talk at the Onsen, the memory at the carnival. The feelings of jealousy and self-belittling.

...]

It sounds like you blame yourself, more than you blame him.

[He can't imagine how much this twists whatever hate Morgan must have deep down for this professor of his. But Barrett didn't much care for a man that probably deserved to be forgotten.]

...What do you think you would have done different? If you could go back?

[tablescraps]

( ... )

Everything I made was my choice, in the end. No matter how much I may have been manipulated or influenced... No matter the circumstance, I chose to do as I did. I can't go back. But if I could have chosen different...

( His gaze drifts from Barrett, to the fire, then, slowly, to the sea.

The waves aren't bad. )

... Before him, before Niamh; before my brother and my family... I think I would have accepted that it doesn't matter what people think of me; if they love me, or hate me, or forgive me.

You only have yourself and the choices you make. I understand that now. So, I don't need to go back.

( It's both a position of self-acceptance and - self-denial. Enlightened and self-focused; nihilistic and content. It doesn't matter if others approve of him, it doesn't matter if someone doesn't love him when he loves them. Pain passes, people come in and out of your life, and you need to accept what you are - that you only are what you are, whatever you may be, because you will always have yourself as company. You need to make peace with that.

It's just that he's gone and made peace with what he is, yes, but he's accepted that its value amounts to something worth losing in his vengeance. It came up short in his calculations of worth - and that's okay. He accepts it can't change, won't change. So away it goes. )

[gluttoning]

...

I think it would make you a stronger person, to be able to do things like that. But...

[He chews on the response, unsure how to word it. It's all a very smart answer. An answer that Morgan has clearly had time to think about and try to cope with. But there's still an empty hole - despite the self-centric language, it feels so absent of substance for himself. Destructive and hateful.]

I guess I'd be worried. That you don't have any love for yourself anymore, if you don't think it matters.

[tablescraps]

( He pauses, like that's the first time he'd ever really thought about it, or considered it in relation to himself. )

Do I really need love for myself?

( He isn't sure if he does. )

[gluttoning]

Eventually. When you can accept it, anyway. [A firm nod as he starts to pull apart the charred fish against the sand.]

I think too much can make people jerks. But if you don't have any at all, it can be worse.

You can't get any better if you don't love yourself enough to want something better. I don't think so, anyway

[tablescraps]

( He watches Barrett work, listening quietly... )

... Do you have things you like about yourself?

( He says that like he's looking for examples, mostly. )

[gluttoning]

Yeah.

[u ever watch a man de-bone a cooked fish with his bare hands? watch him go, zoom]

I like that I'm really strong. I like that I feel a lot of love for my family. I like that I like lots of different kinds of strange food, because I know not everybody can do that.

And I like that I try my best.

[tablescraps]

( oooh ahhh

He considers these things as he watches Barrett go. )

... I see.

( Thinks... )

You should add your smile to that.

( Slightly blurring the line between things Barret likes about himself and things other people might like about him ??? But hey. Mithrun's trying the assignment(?). )

[gluttoning]

My smile?

[He pauses, thinking, licking the taste of char and meat and the ocean off his fingers.]

My family says I'm not very expressive. I guess I've never thought about my smile.

[tablescraps]

( Watching... him... lick his fingers...... )

... You are, though. You smile when you talk about your family, or other things you like. ( Usually. And he smiles at Mithrun sometimes, too. ) And you look a little more stern when you don't like something. Or your shoulders sag... It makes it a little easier to understand things, sometimes.

( Barrett may not be as expressive as a number of other people he knows, but he thinks he sort of gets the patterns here - the obvious ones, granted. Anything that goes on beneath a stoic visage is lost on him. )

[gluttoning]

[Morgan honey you just had an existential crisis over the mouth kink yesterday morning and you're gonna die in 12 hours calm your itty bitty titties.]

Oh.

Huh. I didn't know.

[Morgan really is pretty observant. Just another tally in the "why this man is veey smart" list for Barrett.]

That doesn't sound like something I like about me, though. That sounds like something you like about me.

[tablescraps]

( stop being indecent around him then ????

Anyway Mithrun is like :0 when Barrett gently correct course. Huh, yeah. )

I guess so. I don't really have any qualities like that, though, that I'd like about himself. I think there are things I do better than others, at least.

( Like in a general, objective sense. )

[gluttoning]

Hm. That's a good start. Like what?

[He's busy picking rib bones out now, though he does hold out some cleaned meat for Morgan to take a try if he wants.]

Are there things you've done since your accident that you're proud you were able to do again?

[tablescraps]

( Oh... Sure, he'll take it. He lifts the meat a little above his head... )

... I don't know about proud, but... I couldn't talk, at first. Or walk... Thinking, too. I guess it's more correct to say - I could do them, but I didn't have the desire to do anything.

( ... and lowers it onto his tongue - swallowing it up. )

The doctors said I'd probably be in a vegetative state forever. But now I can do those things reflexively.

[gluttoning]

Mn. I wouldn't call your talking reflexive. You stop and think about things a lot. You can watch your face change when you do that. [He points between his own brows for a moment, a reminder, as he pops one of the flaky bits of meat into his mouth. Hm. Not super. Very bland. At least the char helps?]

It's probably taken a lot of work, if doctors were saying differently. You proved them wrong.

I think a lot of people would feel proud of something like that.

[tablescraps]

( Hmm. He guesses that's true.

He licks his own fingers contemplatively. )

... Is being proud of yourself the same as liking yourself? I can keep that in mind.

[gluttoning]

Sometimes. I think they can be different feelings.

[His eyes flick to Morgan's tongue for a split second, watching the movement of it, before he shakes his head and returns to the fish snack.]

You said you had things you know you're good at. Are you proud of any of those? Maybe we can start from there.

[tablescraps]

I don't know about proud, but... I do think I data better more efficiently than some of the other beta testers. And I'm probably among those who've run Areas most. I've counted out small things, like damage multipliers per weapon and rates at different machines per gold cost at casinos, and how they may differ depending where they are in Lumina Cloth...

( Just Fragment things, basically. But still, he's got a list of things he does pretty good at.

His fingers slip from his lips... )

... You really got all the bones out. I've been eating them with the bones in all this time.

[gluttoning]

[It's such a burst of words for Morgan that Barrett has to just sit there, silent, processing in an openly surprised stare, before he just starts chuckling.]

So you work hard. And you pay attention to little details. And you're smart! I told you you're smart.

[He looks very proud of himself for being able to parse as much from that wall of dialogue, taking up more fish into his mouth.]

R'llr? [Oh oops. Swallowing.] I guess they're not too big. But it's easier to enjoy all of it if you prepare it right.