altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes (catchall)

[Happiness?

Isn't he happy, though? He feels he should be. His family is together, he's doing what he loves. He can eat a lot of delicious food. Stressors aside, he should be happy.

So why isn't he happy with himself?

...

The other answer, at least, comes immediately.]

Yeah. I would. None of them would lie about something like that.

I just wonder if they'll change their minds someday.

... Why? Because you think your quality of character will disappoint them?

Or because you think you'll do something that'll make them turn away?

( Failing expectations, perhaps, is the first; or fearing a repeat of the Lily incident, some situation where the blood - metaphorical or not - by his own belief, is on his hands, is the second.

Or... both? )

...Both.

[He lets out a long breath through his nose, trying to pull himself back together. He just told Morgan he didn't want to go feeling sorry for himself. This isn't time to go wallow.]

I know it's not my job to control their feelings. I just want them to be happy and safe. I don't have a lot of ways I can help them do that.

There's no use worrying about that, though. All I can focus on is what I can do

[Another breath.]

...Thank you, though.

... Do you need to do anything?

( Barrett wants to transition, and Mithrun will let him. Just, in a minute. He thinks this it the bit he's wanted to needle at, and couldn't figure out what it was until Barrett said it. )

Maybe they just like that you're there.

( If his family's decent people, well - Mithrun's image of a decent person is someone like Tylor, or Sinclair, or even Barrett himself. People who don't ask for a lot, and maybe give away more of themselves than they should, and they like just being around the people they care about.

He won't assume everyone in that family's the same - there were a lot of them, that he recalls. Maybe there's a couple bad, bitter eggs that judge Barrett, that resent him. But if that's how it is, then so be it. )

... Decide what you see, and accept it.

( Whether they love him, or hate him. Whether he wants to take care of them, even if they hate him. Whether he wants to love them, regardless of how their relationship may one day change.

He can't promise Barrett they love him, or always will. Friends and family won't always love you, won't always accept you - no matter how compassionate, how caring. Mithrun would know. They're words that would ring hollow.

But it would be a mistake, he thinks, to focus on those other people at all. This is about Barrett. It doesn't need to be about them. )

Worrying about what could be will kill you, before the future ever comes.

Edited 2023-08-26 07:31 (UTC)

...I owe them more than that, though.

[To just stop and "be" while the rest of his family tries to work hard for their goals? He thinks he might just wither away if he were to do that.]

I know they love me. You don't even need to ask. My brothers and I fought way too hard to stay together for me to not know that.

...But you're right. Worrying isn't going to solve anything. I really don't like to do it if I can help it.

[Thus why he is desperately trying to turn this discussion onto a different track. This wasn't ever supposed to just be about him, and that the talk has dwelled on him so long is making him feel strange and a little too vulnerable. He can't be like Mithrun, he supposes. He can't bear himself openly without the razor sharp burn of his regrets settling in.]

It's not like I brought this up to talk about myself too much, anyway. What you told me before, though...

[His eyes grow bright and serious towards Mithrun.]

I wanted to make sure to take it seriously. I think... the worst thing to be, when you're empty, is feeling lonely with it.

[His hand is squeezed one last time, before Barrett finally withdraws his touch.]

So I'm glad you told me. I don't want you to regret that.

Edited 2023-08-26 14:25 (UTC)

( He feels the squeeze, and the touch withdraw, and he lets the sentiment sit, for a moment.

Yeah, he knows Barrett wanted to talk about him, but - he's not good at the feelings stuff. Barrett's got some mental roadblocks after a point, and he's got the willingness to work through it even if he's struggling, but Mithrun can't even see the road ahead.

He isn't sure what to say here. He knows the probably correct thing to say - the things he would've said two years ago, before the bullet got him. Thanks for being with me. Thank you for listening. I feel so much less lonely with you. Things that would make the other person feel effective - and like him more. That's all he wanted. Adoration, even from lessers. Some sort of external validation that he was as worthy as he wanted to believe he was.

But, even back then, they rang hollow. )

... I might have always been empty.

( He says this quietly, like he's thinking aloud, as his gaze settles into where Barrett's hands were on his own. But maybe that's why he had become so fixed on Niamh. She felt like his only shot at a life with someone who would fill that empty - who'd understand him.

Of course she turned away. He wasn't going to fill her empty in turn. It was a selfish love. )

... I won't.

( Regret telling Barrett, he means. He can at least speak of himself with certainty. He says this with his voice finally at proper volume, gaze turning back up to Barrett's bright one. )

You're the first person I've talked to about... the things he did. ( Regarding the indulgence, and so on. ) It's not bad talking to you.

...I'm glad. [That he can talk about it.] I wouldn't want to force something like that out of you. That's not what a good friend always needs to do.

It takes a lot to trust someone. So... know that it stays between us, okay?

[Nothing's leaving this room, as far as he is concerned. Vulnerability was always so horrifying, even with people that felt so safe. He's not sure whether courage had led Mithrun to this, or a need to talk, or simply a lack of decision either way when asked earlier. But at least for Barrett, right now, it doesn't matter. It's sharing in the hurt of another all the same.]

...Do you think you felt this way as a kid, too? Back with your brother and your parents? You were... really, really unhappy back then.

( He's quiet for a minute, when he brings up the past. Not because the past hurts, but because he feels - nothing when he thinks about it, and how it reverberates empty in his chest. It's worse feeling nothing when you know you used to feel so much, however stupid your feelings were. )

... I used to be the golden child, but I was illegitimate. My parents hated my brother for his sickness and disability, but he was of purer blood. My brother loved me, but...

( He trails off, not sure where he was going with that. )

... It's hard to describe. My parents always spoke of other people as less than us. The way they put it, it felt like... if I couldn't prove myself, people would consider me less than human, too. And I was already at a disadvantage because I wasn't considered a real member of the family. So I pushed myself.

Most rumors claimed my brother was the illegitimate son, because he didn't look like us. But there were some rumors that it was me. I guess was always on edge, worried someone would find out, and I'd have to accept others saw me as less.

... Well, the irony is that most people I knew don't like me after my accident either, so it was pointless worrying so much about it.

Edited 2023-08-27 01:06 (UTC)

...

You sound like you don't really like yourself, either.

[It's a quiet remark. Just as with the memory he'd seen, much of this feels far over his head, a world of such precise and vicious expectations and rules that Barrett wonders how anyone could be happy with themselves.]

Why does blood matter so much? You're not a poodle for a dog show. You're family. That... shouldn't matter.

[It stays hesitant, gentle. Not a condemnation of what was fact, but voicing his confusion to a force of Mithrun's life that feels absolutely nonsensical.]

...Is that how you think now? That you're less?

Because you're not.

( A beat, as he considers. He knows Barrett is trying to reassure. )

If I'm less, it's not for my blood. I do have less in me than others.

But I don't know if it matters if I'm less. I am what I am and I'll do what I'll do, regardless of how other people see me.

...

It does matter.

[Just not in the way that that family would say. Barrett doesn't want to think about it. He can feel his throat growing hot at the idea.

A hand lifts to touch at Morgan's shoulder, a brief but abandoned attempt to lift to his jawline, before abandoning it.]

People can think what they want. But this isn't about them.

You're not an object, and you're not less or more than anyone else. No matter what your family's told you. You're just Morgan. You're someone that feels and does and made choices and has a lot more to make. Not just some lesser someone because someone else decides your blood is worth more than you.

[A beat passes. He tries to catch Morgan's eyes with a duck down of his shoulders, the sudden stone in his own softening.]

I'm enough for you, right?

You're enough for me, too.

( Ah - Barrett catches his gaze as he ducks down, and Mithrun is borrowed from his thoughts by the sight of Barrett's expression softening, and his stubborn affirmation. It takes from Mithrun whatever phrase he was coming up with as his answer - words of indifference toward himself. And now he finds himself unclear of how he - wants to respond. Unclear on how what Barrett says makes him feel, even though they were words he'd lobbied at Barrett earlier.

What does he say here?

Mithrun is quiet. What comes out, eventually, is: )

... Will you be free after your game?

( The phrase is ambiguous - could mean either the same day after the game, or the days after. He looks at Barrett, waiting. )

[...

He wants to say yes. It's... strange, that he wants to say yes.]

Not right away. Coach time and cleanup... I'll probably need to do a recovery jog.

[His thumb runs against Morgan's shoulder carefully.]

But... I want to see everybody afterwards. My family and others. They'll probably take me home for the night.

I won't be back at practice until Wednesday, either. So I'll have some time.

[Somewhere. He could make time.]

Why?

Edited 2023-08-27 16:57 (UTC)

( He doesn't know, exactly, what he wants to say to Barrett, about that whole talk on worth. He can't find the shape of any of the words when he tries to sound them out on his tongue.

So this isn't, exactly, what he means to say. But it's the words he can find, the most accessible sentiment that's pulsing at the back of his throat, impatient to be said. The gentle feeling of his thumb at his shoulder helps him get it out. )

... Show me around Berkeley. ( When there's time. If there's time. ) I don't live there. I've never really been.

( It's not so intimate as asking for a meal - which doesn't sit right given them topic they opened with, anyway - and it isn't so personal like going to the beach, or the movies.

But it is a request to see him, and spend more time with him than planned. If he wants. )

Edited 2023-08-27 20:22 (UTC)

[...

He gives a hesitant, breathy laugh, his smile bright with surprise even if it's softened under his normal countenance.]

Sure. If you're gonna be in town, we can go sightseeing a little.

It's mostly museums and parks. But the beach and marina are nice, and they have a lot of good restaraunts. There's a local little bakery near the coastal part of the university, too.

[...

It sounds like fun. He hasn't thought much about fun just walking around Berkeley for a while. Booker's been so busy with his classes, and he hasn't had the time to spare for nights with his team because of how much extra exercise he's had to throw into the mix the last few weeks...]

...Whatever you have the energy for. There's a lot we can try.

[A beat. He chuckles a little, letting his touch slide down Morgan's arm, as though he means to pull away but can't quite commit.]

Nowhere to try Smurfs, though. Sorry.

( He feels Barrett's hand slide down, and he has a vision of reaching down to touch it - just fingers brushing along the back of the hand. Nothing too committed. A tease, even. Because that's what he might've done some years back. It's as easy as picturing as somebody else act.

But what about him? What would he do, as he is now? He's been conscious of how Barrett's hands have kept against him, mostly, and how he's failed to act. )

... We can do as much as there's time for.

( He gazes up at Barrett's bright smile, and finding this look is better on him, even if those painful things were things he - both of them - need to one day address. )

But you'll have to show me something that's as good as having a Smurf.

( Without explanation, his hands lifts some from his lap, palm up, as if offering for Barrett to take it. It's terrible of him, offloading the language of touch for the other person to fully initiate - he's not a native speaker. He doesn't know the words yet. But, he's... trying. )

Heh... I can't give you miracles. But I can definitely find you a good scoop of blue raspberry ice cream, though.

[He sees the opening of Morgan's hands rather quickly, looking down at the gesture before letting his own touch drop from Morgan's arm to instead gently take the smaller man's palms against his own.

Morgan's hands are so small under his own. He feels like every motion has to be gentle until he can figure out what Morgan wants here. If it's just some hand-holding, he can easily oblige. But at least immediately, his grip stays almost nonexistent, as though waiting for Morgan to give him further instruction.]

( Tentatively, like he's not sure how the gesture works despite having gotten a shocking amount of practice with it in Fragment, his hand slowly closes around Barrett's. In turn, he sees how Barrett seems to take it the hold. )

... I don't think I've had ice cream in a long time. That wouldn't be bad. Is it hot there?

[He stays patient, some of the surprise leaving his eyes as he can feel what Morgan is trying to do. Once he knows he's not being moved or directed anywhere, Barrett lets his hands gently squeeze against that hold.]

It's not too bad, actually. It's supposed to be in the upper 70s this week, but it might hit the 80s again by the weekend. Maybe the sun will stay around long enough for ice cream to taste its best.

...Will it just be you?

[Morgan's dealing with a major injury. Barrett can't imagine the man can drive a car safely in this state, so... is someone else bringing him?]

Edited 2023-08-28 05:22 (UTC)

( ! He doesn't know what he expected, but he likes what he gets. He lets their hands settle against their laps comfortably in the way they were before, but more out of comfort than a need for reassurance this time.

But, oh. He looks like he hadn't even considered the other bit... Comes part and parcel with a missing desire to care for your own well being. )

... I can get a ticket for my carer too. His name's Kabru. If he can't make it, it'll probably be Cithis who comes. She's the other carer.

( Ticket because he's rich and can afford to bleed money for a last second plane ticket twice, )

Edited 2023-08-28 05:27 (UTC)

Mn, got it. They'd probably be with us afterwards too, right?

[The touch is pleasant and something he doesn't feel the need to leave anytime soon, though he does at least pull his legs up onto the bed so that he can face Morgan a little better. It hasn't escaped him that Morgan's been intentional with it for once, rather than prompted. Maybe this game really was helping him.]

I have a bigger car, so another person isn't a big deal. I just want to make sure you guys have what you need.

I could probably tell them to take some time off while we're out. But if they want to come, I guess they'll come.

( He guesses it's kind of the same either way, whether they come or not. If they would rather come - Mithrun getting into some kind of accident while they're out enjoying themselves in NorCal might not reflect great on that performance review with his parents - he's not got the desire to protest. )

Kabru's polite. Cithis would probably try to tease you. But we wouldn't need anything else but space for another person, I guess. I can pay for everything.

( In a way that suggests he'd cover Barrett, too. )

Edited 2023-08-28 05:44 (UTC)

Come on, you're not paying all of it if I'm the one taking you around. No way. At least for our one day, I can host you. [Full ride means he's got some fun money. Pity he doesn't realize that Morgan being rich = he's REALLY rich.

As far as his carer...]

I'll do what I can for you. But I'm not a doctor or anything. I don't want you in trouble if something happens while we're out. So if having one of your care team will help, then I'll try to be respectful.

Maybe they can find things to like about Berkeley, too.

( Hmm, Barrett drives a hard bargain... )

If you're sure. I don't mind either way.

As for my carers... That's true. They might like Berkley. ( He didn't really think of that. Maybe they'll like the ice cream and museums and things... ) They're not medical professionals, though. They just make sure I don't forget to eat and don't get hurt, and things like that. If something happens to me, you can both just call 911.

I should be fine, though.

( Says guy who's apparently not aware that he's just really bad at being alive, )

Mn. I insist.

[A squeeze of his hands just to punctuate that. Let him be a gentleman.]

Well, whatever you decide with them is okay with me. So long as you're safe.

How are you getting out here, anyway? Are you in California right now?

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