altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes (catchall)

...

[It doesn't register as serious until he hears the name. And for a moment, he looks almost... frightened.]

What do you mean?

What about Lily?

Edited 2023-08-20 21:12 (UTC)

( The worst echoes of the memory fading, the teardrops slow their fall as he returns to his normal thrum of empty. He doesn't have desire to wipe them, so he just lets them roll down his cheeks at their pace, dripping down onto his already-moist body, drying whenever they're meant to. )

... I think it's some kind of unintended error. It was a memory of you and Booker. She got out of the car when she wasn't meant to.

Edited 2023-08-20 22:04 (UTC)

[The car...

He doesn't understand. Did Mithrun suddenly... know about that accident? He catches his pulse pounding hard in his ears, stammering for a moment.]

I-I... I'm sorry. That's... that's not something anyone should...

[No one should know. Lily was a family matter. A family memory. Something to keep close. But there sure were a lot of things about this game that shouldn't be happening.

...

A beat. He hesitates, before carefully bringing a hand up to the tear trails against Mithrun's face.]

You're crying... [A thumb runs against the skin, and his eyes beg. The guilt creeps. It always does. Even under hands that stay gentle.]

I'm so sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have left so fast... [His lips thin, glancing around.] Did something happen before you knew all that??

Edited 2023-08-20 22:15 (UTC)

... I know.

( He knows he shouldn't know it. It's private. And it explains, maybe, why Barrett took this whole thing about his collapse so seriously - love and guilt toward his siblings all tangled up into what he was now.

The warmth of his hand to his cheek doesn't feel so bad, though. )

... The mirror ahead of me seemed to flicker. I looked at it, and that's when I saw it... like it was being projected. It felt like it was from your point of view. But I could feel it, too.

So... I think these are yours.

( He says it again. The tears, even if you couldn't cry. )

Edited 2023-08-20 22:34 (UTC)

[...

He carefully traces the moisture away with just as gentle a touch as before, letting out a shaking exhale.]

What the hell is wrong with this game... [It's muttered, the apologetic look never lifting.]

I'm sorry you had to have them in the first place, then. That's my feeling to handle. [His guilt to carry.] Not anybody else's.

[Once he thinks he's stopped that cold touch of tears against his fingertips, he withdraws his hands, instead pointedly looking for the mirror Mithrun had mentioned.]

How did this place even show something like that? Does this place know what our brains remember or something? [He's squinting off towards the glass. Yeah, there is some sort of shimmer where a second ago there's only been a reflection... what the hell?]

( Mithrun might have opened his mouth to say something to speculate, but whatever he says is lost in the sudden sound of a parent and child arguing; not so much a memory of tragedy, but a sense of prelude - parental pressures twisting two siblings apart; a love that seems like to bode poorly in the coming years. Dark clouds before rain.

As Barrett comes to, he can probably hear Mithrun say something about "level cap armor," but it's probably indistinct as he reorients himself. Mithrun seems to notice he's paused. )

... Barrett?

[The bitterness that chokes up every thought, the airs of the rich that seem to come as though scripted, the feelings that don't match what's forced onto the face... it's like stepping into a turbulent ocean, one he doesn't recognize and tries his hardest to never enter. It's foreign, crippling, to feel so stuck and so angered and so viciously determined to throw it on someone else, a vicoous contrast between how worthless he feels and how worthless he thinks of the loved one right in front of him.

It leaves his head aching from how he grits his teeth, tearing his face from the mirror the second he can and covering his eyes with one of his hands.]

Mn... what?

Morgan?

[It's the first name that comes to his mouth.]

Sorry. I... [A muffled "dammit" pushes out from under his breath.] --I'm here.

I think we need to get away from the mirrors. I just saw something, too.

( Ah.

Mithrun doesn't seem upset, at least, that Barrett has probably seen a memory of his. Surprised, but not perturbed. )

... I think so.

( He pushes himself up, wall as his crutch. If Barrett steps in to help him, he'll accept it - but it isn't his nature to want help, to ask for it. Besides, Barrett has the drinks, which are clearly as equally important. )

... Did it disturb you, what you saw?

( There's. a lot of things a person could've seen about him. )

[He's hovering, but if Morgan has decided to take the initiative, Barrett won't move to interfere just yet. Instead, he scoops the drinks into his inventory. Just in case he needs his hands free.

The question comes as a visible surprise, but Barrett doesn't wince away at the topic, instead looking thoughtful and a little pained as he tried to figure out how to answer.]

No. Not disturbed. It was you and your mother arguing, and your brother was there. You just got into a boarding school, and you... weren't happy about it. At all.

It just confused me, I guess. A lot of your feelings... they hurt in ways I've never really felt. You were so angry. [He has been middle class all his life, so what is this lacrosse and horse riding school Barry Plotter type stuff... but the sheer amount of coldness in every movement of the mind felt so depressing and isolating.

After a second, he holds out one of his arms. Does it look like he's offering to walk him to a formal dance or something? Maybe. He's clearly not thinking about that.]

...Here. I don't think another fall will be good for you.

( Ah... He considers it, and he doesn't really want it (same as always), but... after seeing Barrett's memory, and after recalling what he's promised to Sinclair and Yael, he takes it, leaning on his arm as they go. He's learning to use other people as his measuring stick, instead of himself.

He lets figuring out the mechanical movement occupy himself while he thinks over what Barrett says. )

... I remember that, I think. It was a long time ago.

( His brother... )

... It was all kind of stupid. My brother's never been a bad person. I felt like I'd been trapped or punished somehow, being sent off like that. But, I think... that I've ended up the way I have is probably some kind of irony, I think. Maybe that's the reason I'm still alive.

( That his professor knew what was worse for him, and wanted him to live it... Cruel, but not impossible. )

... It's not a really sympathetic story.

( Not like Barrett's. )

Edited 2023-08-21 02:07 (UTC)

[He stays quiet through Morgan's words, letting him lead the way this time and acting only as a steadying measure.]

...I wouldn't say that. It's still part of how you turned into who you are, right? Even if it doesn't excuse stuff.[There's something softer in his tone, slower, as though he's trying very carefully to think through what he wants to say.] How you talk now... it's different. Like you've had time to think it over.

I don't think someone unsympathetic would bother with that.

...

Do you still feel like you did back then? That you don't have anything of value?

( Out of the hall of mirrors they go... and back into the heat. But maybe there's a tunnel of love ride or something similarly kind of cool they can go sit in for a bit and enjoy their drinks in?

Barrett's answer surprises him. He would have understood if Barrett weren't pleased by the character of the memory, given how much he valued his own siblings. That he remains willing to sympathize now is...

He's a good person, Mithrun supposes. )

... I don't know. But I don't know if it matters if I do, or not. I might not. But I don't mind that, either. "We just are what we are." Right?

( Barrett probably didn't mean it like that, )

I can't change whether I have value or not. I can only be me.

["Barrett probably didn't mean it like that"

audience laughtrack.mp3]

Mn. Maybe you can't change that.

But I think it's okay to just be alive sometimes. That you can breathe and walk around and be able to see things. That you can learn you like strong and sweet tastes. That you can still be kind when you get shown things that hurt.

[He smiles, a gentle motion that breaks up the solidity of his face like a ripple in water.]

There's value in that, I think.

Edited 2023-08-21 02:48 (UTC)

( barrett............

Mithrun seems to turn over his words as he listens to them. )

... Do you feel that way about yourself, too?

( If you advise him to find value in just being here, do you give yourself license to do that, too? )

[The smile softens, something a little pained crossing his features. But after a beat, he still nods.]

Yeah. Some days are easier than others.

But I still want to live.

( Is it the guilt, he wonders, that makes it hard? He'd felt the weight of it, then. It was crushing, and too big for how small that body was.

He turns his gaze toward the carnival - the pretty lights, the attractions, the cheap rides, the food stalls... Was there value in this, in seeing this? It didn't fill him up any. It didn't register as more than a dull thrum.

When you say you want to live, is this what you want to live for? )

... Do you want to live only to exist? Or is there something you want to live for?

[It's a really deep question, one he feels coasts along a level of talk he might not be suited for. He isn't smart. He never would be the smart one.

But...]

I have a family I love that deserve more than the world gave us. I have a little brother who wants to see the stars.

That might not be enough for others. Maybe it might change for me someday, too. But right now... that's enough reason for me to keep going.

( Hmmm... )

... I see. You live for other people.

I was told to take care of myself for other people, too.

I guess if you find no purpose in yourself, humans have an instinct to anchor themselves to those around them.

Mn. My life would feel pretty empty without other people.

[But he is very aware not everyone shares the same intense value in family that he does. He only has to think of a mere moment of Morgan's recollection, of that feeling of bitterness, to know that much.

The flumes for a very cheesy little tunnel of love can be seen floating lazily down the track of a water chute. It might be a good option. But Barrett doesn't lead them in that direction, instead slowing his pace to look over Morgan carefully.]

... Is there something you want to live for, Morgan?

You wanted to be a chef once when you were a kid. Right? Did that go away?

( Mithrun doesn't seem particularly inclined toward it at first... until he recognizes the little set-up they've got has those little swan boats to sit in, and water, but water that won't kill him (arguably). It seems better than sitting in the heat - though, Mithrun would also melt to death if left alone - and, without really thinking about it, he curves their slow steps toward it.

The question gives him pause, though - and then, rare surprise flickering in his gaze. He looks up at Barrett. )

... I haven't thought about that in a long time.

( His voice is, for a moment, light - a recollection of something that really was just nice, before he forgot about with age; dreaming about the restaurant he might open, the recipes he might make.

What did it feel like to hold excitement like fireworks in his heart?

Slowly, his gaze falls back to the carnival. Muffled behind the thick glass, hard to see. That glass must not have always been there - what was it like, to feel the world clearly? )

... It did. When this injury happened... It was a bullet to the brain. It destroyed where it passed through, and its passage ruptured outward like a shockwave. I lost all the things I had wanted before. I lost...

( And for a moment his gaze looks almost wet - maybe because Barrett's memory had so recently brought him to tears. He doesn't cry, though. He just... looks helpless, gazing out at the lights of the carnival, the city. )

... If I'd been a plate, what's here, ( what's me, ) is the uneaten scraps. That's how it feels. I don't remember what it used to be like to want to live.

[It's a tragic thought. To have one injury rip away so much, turn you into a completely different version of who you might have been. It almost sounds like a twist from a book or one of Damien's soap operas.

This... feels less entertaining. It just feels sad.

Empty.

An emptiness that made it hard to bother to cry.

...

He thinks how one of his older brothers had changed so much since Lily died. How they'd been athletic, energetic, at the top of their team for swim meets. How he'd wanted to impress them and how much he'd admired them.

Their sister was lost. And Barrett felt he lost his brother soon after. The brother he knew as a child vanished into a dark room with darker eyes and quieted words. He became scared. A shadow of himself. And even now, so many years later... it still took effort to bring him out to even think about the water, or sports, or anything that wasn't the seclusion that became his new normal. He was different than the twelve year old that had vanished that day.]

...

Sometimes... scraps have their purpose, too. Even if it takes a while to get them together.

Maybe it'll take time and be frustrating. But... I still hope you get to make a new memory for where your life can go, Morgan.

[He slides a hand up to rest against Mithrun's forearm.]

I'm sorry it isn't easier.

( Mithrun is quiet, for a time. He doesn't look at Barrett, but not because he wants to avoid his gaze - but, because, in a lot of ways, he's relearning what it is to be a person. )

... It hasn't been easy for you either, has it?

( He can't... formulate his own words of sympathy, or wholly comprehend it; you wouldn't think desire would encompass so much, but it does. Desire to soothe. Desire to understand. Desire for company. He'd resigned to it.

But the people here have asked that he try. Asked and fumed and told him off, and shook him until he was listening. So - he doesn't know, exactly, how to live in sync with everyone else. But he can do this much. Because, strangely, Barrett is trying to do this much for him.

And so comes the rarest, faintest echo of a smile, his gaze finding Barrett again. "Sometimes scraps have their purpose," huh. )

... Maybe if I had become a chef, I'd know what to do with these scraps.

( Poking... fun at himself? Maybe. But in good nature, given Barrett's remark. )

[Had it been easy?? No. But.... he feels if he dwells on that too viciously, he might just feel that horrible tug of guilt.]

Heh. I mean, you're smart. You went through all of that and I'm pretty sure you're still way smarter than I am. You don't need to be special to make something good of yourself.

[Something something Morgan at partial brain is still more powerful than Barrett at full, etc.

It's not very strong. But that smile is the first one he's seen, and he can't help but return it, as though maybe he could be the sun to help the moon reflect a little more brightly.

It's a cute smile, he thinks.

As they slow toward the tunnel, Barrett pulls one of the drinks out from his inventory, holding it out for Morgan to try. It's bright blue going up the straw, and tastes heavily of artifical berries and citrus and sugar. ]

We have a guild for food and nerdy culture things that we're working on. My older brother and I.

You can come visit sometime, if you want. Maybe you could find more things you like to taste.

Edited 2023-08-21 08:37 (UTC)

( You don't need to be something special, he says. Mithrun's still got a ways to go, but - it reminds him, a little, that maybe he's got a few important things left, even after losing everything else - maybe it's not worth much more than a marble caught under the floorboards, but... it means something, right? Mithrun's expression seems to soften.

His assessment that Barrett is a good person feels it holds true.

He's surprised when Barrett offers him the drink - he'd nearly forgotten about them. Visibly intrigued, he takes it. He doesn't know how many of those foods will register at all to him, even the ones he can taste, but - the offer is nice. He doesn't dislike it. )

... All right. Do you and your brother like food that much?

( To make a guild focused on it, he means. Food as a concept?? Eating?? Whatever works. Barrett did seem to like it a lot, considering their exchange about the headhen and carnival food earlier.

Tentatively, he brings up the straw to his lips as they distantly get gestured into the loading dock for the boats by a NPC. A "!" expression colors his face as the intensity of the artificial saccharine berry flavor hits him. )

... It's strong.

Edited (trying to make late night tags sound coherent) 2023-08-21 10:52 (UTC)

Oh, good. I asked for extra syrup just in case.

[He nods towards the AI staff, carefully letting the NPC usher them over the docks and pivoting his own escorting arm in the process to allow himself to go in first so Morgan can be guided to a seat without tripping. The boat wobbles slightly, unsteady at the change.]

Careful. I got you.

[Once they're settled in and Barrett has space to drop himself into his own seat, he finally pulls out his own drink - a bright red, one that he takes an extended drink from. Aaaaaa, sugar.]

Mn. I do. I go to restaraunts and cooking demonstrations all the time. Levi doesn't as much - he likes things like anime and video games and dressing up in costumes. But we had to figure out a middle ground.

[Do not perceive how much of this time was spent debating the title of the guild. Barrett did not like Delicious Otaku. Levi did not want it to be replaced with Delicious Omelets. Rinse and repeat.]

A lot of his anime have food that looks really good. Like Mononoke Land. Or the Girl and Her Dragon Spirit. So we decided on that.

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