altimit | [Closed] misteaks' mistakes

[His eyes flicker, to Morgan, to that tension in his jaw. That hand lifts, briefly, to touch against it.]

You're showing it here this time. [His anger. Brief, a whisper, before he shakes his head.]

I won't. The last time I went to him alone... I...

[His eyes darken, and his touch slides away.]

...

I don't want to be alone with him again.

( ... He... unclenches his jaw slightly... but only slightly, because: )

... What did he do?

[...]

I went to him, after I said I would. When I asked if you had questions for him.

He acted differently to me. He told me it was always his plan to take people away from the world that hurt them. When I said I was confused, that he broke his promise, he... mocked me. Told me I didn't have a future anymore, and that everyone he was changing was already broken...

[He's kept an even tone, right up until now, where it starts to tighten with considerable upset, earning a pause as he tries to keep his composure.]

He'd promised me Levi wouldn't get hurt so long as I trusted him... but he told me that day that I'd just manipulated Levi to come right to him. And he.... he told me that he was the one who broke my leg. To teach me a lesson... to show me how miserable and useless I was with nothing else left.

And...

[His hands wrap against himself. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to talk about this. He doesn't want to. The metallic tinge still smells fresh.

...]

When... I got angry... he turned himself into my sister. He s-said I wasn't worth his love. He called me a killer, over and over, and when I... when I tried to get away, he made me move. He made me wrap my hands around her neck and I...

...

[He can't complete it. He simply curls up on in himself in silence, fingers burying deep and sharp against the fabric of his hoodie.]

Edited 2023-11-09 17:04 (UTC)

( Since his return from Macha, Mithrun has, in some distant and peripheral way that makes you doubt your senses, been accompanied by the occasional hum of Macha's faint siren song. It's not constant. It's easy to forget. It's hard to notice when it's been playing again for awhile, even. But, right now, that distant sound - it crackles, like a coming storm, twisting harsh into faint, glitched static.

He's angry. And it only gets worse, the more Barrett speaks. The sound is never loud enough to notice until the silence finally settles when Barrett can't bear to speak anymore - but it grinds in Mithrun's ears, he wants to kill Cubia so badly.

He exhales, breath shuddering in his anger, finding it so hard to find a response that doesn't involve escaping the couch to hunt until he collapses. He's never felt so angry for another person before, not in his life.

It's only reasonable then that his hand be stayed by Barrett, then, too.

He doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know what to do with Barrett. But in that moment he feels like if he lets him go again Cubia's going to show up and pull apart Barrett piece by piece again, he's going to do something to Barrett again, and maybe, this time, there really wouldn't be a second chance.

He wraps his arms around Barrett's shoulders out of some sort of compulsive instinct, his arms trembling with his anger, and he holds him tight; so right, it might almost be suffocating. Maybe this isn't tight enough. Maybe this isn't enough.

His head presses against the side of Barrett's own, and audibly he mutters: )

... I won't let him touch you again. I won't... let him take you away. I'm going to kill him, I'm going to strip his data piece by piece.

( A shuddering inhale. )

You didn't deserve that. Barrett. Nothing he said was true.

Edited 2023-11-09 20:37 (UTC)

[It's an almost frightening energy that radiates off Morgan, something Barrett doesn't seem to take notice of until the smaller man has shoved right into his space to wrap tightly against him, clinging so hard that it makes it difficult to breath. His own arms stay pinned against himself, unable to reciprocate for the moment, too stunned at the intensity to really move much.

But after an emotionally tense moment of nothing but Morgan's tense breathing, Barrett slowly worms his arms free to rest his hands weakly against Morgan's waist.]

...Please don't say it like that. [His tone is hoarse.] I... enough of what he said was true. It wouldn't have hurt as much as it did otherwise.

...

[His fingers cling.]

I don't want you to go to him on your own. Please... Please don't. He's too strong, Morgan, he... he would make you tear apart everything you love before you could touch him.

Please don't chase him.

( He doesn't need reciprocation: it's that if he doesn't hold onto someone, he's running off to hunt Cubia now. He's forcing himself to anchor, which is... better than nothing. Maybe.

But the reciprocation, however weak, does help keep him from snapping at Barrett. Barrett... isn't who he's angry at, even if... )

... Stop saying— the things he said are true. Stop believing it. It feels like how you said watching me drown made you feel.

( Stand up!! Stand the fuck up Barrett!!! You don't have to be drowning in this!!!!!

But the both of them have reasons why they struggle to stand in that shallow water. Mithrun gets it. But it doesn't hurt him any less when Barrett's hurt, when Barrett hurts himself.

The warning, almost as if Mithrun's safety and survival against Cubia's the least important thing to himself, is what he mutters, angrily, an answer to last, and even then, it's oblique.

He exhales through his teeth. )

... Don't let go of me right now.

( And later? He doesn't answer if he's going to run off to hunt Cubia later. But he at least recognizes he's too furious to be reasonable in this moment. )

Edited 2023-11-11 07:04 (UTC)

[It feels like watching you drown.

He has a retort against his lips, as weak as it is. But he can feel Mithrun's tension against his body, against every syllable and every exhale and that odd, pointed request--

Barrett doesn't hesitate for long. His arms lift to wrap against Morgan's back and hold onto him tight, letting his features press against Morgan's neck.]

...I can't ignore everything. I can't, Morgan, it's... not that simple...

( He's good. He stays. His breathing is still heavy without an outlet, but at least his trembling seems to taper.

He doesn't say anything to that for awhile. He doesn't lash out blindly when he's angry. It's directed, it's specific, and Barrett isn't in his crosshairs.

Eventually, he does speak. )

... What parts do you think are true?

[Hands work slowly against Morgan's back as the pause stretches, a slow and deep touch in some paltry effort to try and soothe the licking of his flames.

When Barrett does speak, it's fragile and carefully treaded.]

...

I think... he was finally telling the truth about what he wants to do with Fragment. He just only told me what he thought I wanted to hear.

I believed in promises that were never... never, ever going to come true. I dragged my brother into it because I couldn't pay enough attention to what was going on. And Levi... he really is in a lot of danger because of my mistakes.

He was right about how I felt. When my leg broke... I felt like I was going to have nothing left. It felt like everything was falling apart out of my hands. At least, at first, I wondered if being in Fragment more would help me feel a little happier. I could forget, and feel like I could still be strong. Maybe... that's why he did it.

And he... he knew enough about how I feel. About Lilith. That I... I still wish that I was the one who...

...

[He can't finish the thought, holding Morgan tighter as though he expects the retaliation and wants to contain it, somehow. Even though he knows he can't, he knows that this explosion in the making isn't something he can control.]

I feel so stupid, Morgan.

Edited 2023-11-11 15:29 (UTC)

( He is angry. Barrett feels how Mithrun goes taut again, how he churns like a nuclear reactor. But he doesn't exhale fumes, this time. He holds Barrett tighter, the two of them keeping held close for maybe different reasons.

Tighter, when Barrett begins to say the thing he ends up not having the strength to finish. )

... You aren't stupid. You're made of love and guilt. He just knows how to use that.

( His voice is tense. It has the cut in his voice his past self had when he spoke, but it's not held as if a blade by someone so cornered.

Cubia's still using that, he thinks. He surely know how Barrett will rail into himself even in Cubia's absence. Maybe he doesn't even need to return to taunt him, the way he's wound up Barrett so tight. On every objective scale, Mithrun has done worse things than Barrett has done his entire life, even if you were to weigh his guilt as true. But Mithrun knows - the hardest person to forgive is yourself. )

... But my life... is better for you in it. So I can't let you believe what you were going to say. You can wish it never happened. You can wish you never trusted Cubia, or asked Levi to trust him, too. But you can't wish you weren't here. You can't let your guilt keep you still.

You have a long life ahead of you, Barrett. I... and all of us, we're going to make sure of that.

Edited 2023-11-12 02:41 (UTC)

[He stays locked in a clouded silence for several long moments, face still buried as his own breathing starts to shake. The sharpness in Morgan's words is a tone he hasn't heard in weeks, like hearing a stranger he can barely place.

You can't let your guilt keep you still?

....]

...I just want to stay responsible for everything I've done.

I don't think I could ever forgive myself if I didn't.

( His arms come... slightly looser, slightly pulled apart, but his nails drag light into his skin. Not painful, but he's still irate. )

... What does "staying responsible" look like?

( He can hear the shaking in Barrett's breath and he can't be sure if it's because of the topic or his anger, but he knows he can't rely on Barrett to tell him to calm down, this time. He knows, he knows. He just - it's just, what do you do when someone you care so much about keeps hurting themself? What had Barrett done for him? Stepped back, stayed calm, stayed patient? Is that what he would want done for him?

His head aches, his head aches, and so does his chest. )

[...

His own grip starts to slip, tensing under the dig of nails. His face stays tucked away. But there's a slow, wet quality to the words he produces, carefully chosen despite how he sounds rather close to tears.]

Having to accept that... there's just things I did and said that people might not ever forgive me for. I can't just put it behind Tarvos or Cubia and expect people to be okay with it. Just like I... I can't ignore that some people might always be mad for what happened with Lilith.

[Booker might always resent him. His brothers would always have to grieve, and he would always have to watch them knowing he had a part in that loss. His father would never forgive him. It didn't matter that he was young, or that it was an accident. It still had a horrible consequence.

Just like his naivety had drawn him into Lily. Just like his insistence and hurt has guilted Levi in. Just like his desire for an untrue loyalty had torn apart his trust with Morgan and Shoka both over not being willing or able to talk. Just like his slow descent had turned him into something angry and violent and cruel, something that had hurt countless people and nearly killed just as many.

He could argue. But it would always still be his face in the memories. And he had no say in other's feelings about it.]

I still hurt so many people. I can't just say that's okay.

[A pause. A deep breath.]

I...

I just want to try to be a better person for them.

( Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. He's not good at keeping his feelings steady once he feels them - it's all or nothing; caring, or indifference. And he cares so much. It's hard to bite his tongue and keep from refuting it. He's still tense, but he's struggling against it.

His hands drag... to press palms against the back of Barrett's neck, like a sort of caress. Clumsy, but an attempt toward something. And he presses Barrett close to him, chin fitting where his shoulder meets his neck. This time, it's a gesture for Barrett, not himself. Though. He can't really be sure if Barrett feels safe at all with him right now.

That hurts, too. )

... I forgive you.

( This phrase comes out softer, because it's awkward on his lips. He doesn't forgive, generally. He ignores and moves past or smoulders forever. He had been mad at Barrett; even if for himself, for the both of them, he had been.

And so. )

You're good enough for me. But if... you want to be better, I'll be here, too.

...

But... you've been so angry with me...

[A quiet confusion to match the quiet response. Not expecting it, nor the affection that comes alongside it. Morgan didn't forgive. Morgan remembered hurt forever. It feels foreign, muddled in the high emotion of the moment. He doesn't know if this is a forgiveness he deserves.

The affection alone, even as clumsy as it is, gets the redhead to crumple against him just a little more - slight, still holding back, whether out of guilt or something else.]

You're so angry right now, too. I've... I've never seen you like this before. You feel so tight under my hands, and you're shaking, and I...

...

I know it's not towards me. And I won't let you go. But it feels like I might lose you if you explode.

Is... this my fault, too?

( He feels in the phrasing there is a suggestion that whatever Mithrun says, it might be turned back into a blade of guilt on Barrett, and - yeah, he's mad! He's mad about that! Don't weaponize how he feels about you!!!! But how does he say it without playing into one extreme or the other - absolute forgiveness (which Barrett wouldn't believe, and Mithrun doesn't feel) or anger (which seems to only hurts Barrett)?

He thinks, and he thinks. )

... It's not. It's not. I just...

( He's really bad at self-reflection. He's really, really bad at it. It's a struggle, trying to salvage this when the person who helps him is - standing opposite of him, though not as any enemy.

Saying what he thinks he feels isn't the hard part (once he recognizes he feels it, anyway). It's the sense that the truth might not be enough. )

It's not— your fault that I care about you... this much. ( Then again, when has him caring for his loved ones ended well for them...? ) But it's because— I do, that I want to be someone who'd forgive you, even if I've been angry.

[The breath he takes is deep and shaking, a little more of his weight burying against Morgan. Is that where his anger was coming from? A place of care?

...

It feels almost like speaking to Booker. Booker, whose temper was vibrant and couldn't be argued against once stoked, not even by Barrett. He still wonders if Booker would ever forgive him.

He doesn't know how to help. He doesn't know if Morgan even wants help, or if asking would just make the anger worse. But... he'd promised Morgan honesty, something he's tried to do ever since he was finally allowed. Even if hesitation stuffs his heart to the brim, he wasn't going to help either of them by continuing to hide his heart.]

...

I think I feel scared. Because I don't know how to help, when you feel like this. I feel... trapped, when I can't. I worry that your anger is the only thing you might listen to. But... I know now that being angry is something that's complicated.

[The wrap of his arms grows stronger.]

Please... tell me what you're fighting. Tell me why you're trembling so hard.

( There may be a faint relief when the answer that comes is the privilege of Barrett's vulnerable heart, offered again, instead of rejection. Barrett... isn't like him. Mithrun parks where he is, stubborn, but Barrett - will tell him no, that's enough, sorry. Not easily, but he's proved he can. Mithrun doesn't live in fear of it, or anything. He'd rather Barrett know how to say no than not, even if that means saying no to him. But Macha's heartbreak is an echo still fresh in him, resonating.

He doesn't want Barrett to pull away from him. And knows that's selfish. )

... Why...

( What is he fighting? Why is he trembling? He doesn't know. But he knows the face behind his anger; he's always known it as the professor. When he turns the mirror on himself, he sees that man's figure there, a hand on his shoulder, a hand in his hair.

But what makes him so angry, about all that? Besides "everything he'd done to him" - what is it, that brings an emotion so carefully cultivated and curated for him, to this situation with Cubia, with Barrett?

What had the professor done, what had Cubia almost done? )

... I'm...

( ... He presses his cheek into Barrett's neck... )

... I came really close to losing you. So many times. You were hurt... you've been hurting, and I... ( A soft inhale. ) I don't— know how to help you either, when you're guilty, and he— they hurt you like this. I can only say a few phrases, but it doesn't help, does it? It just feels like you're going to shatter. I hate him, for hurting you. And I hate— that I can't...

( Or hates himself, because he can't. He can't do anything for him. Can he?

But... the way Barrett explains his own feelings is familiar, once he manages, stumbling, to get out something of his own. It - gives some shape to Barrett's anxiety, his own withdrawn reaction to Mithrun's anger. He didn't mean it like that. He wasn't trying to trap him. He just... )

... I feel like... your guilt's the only thing you listen to, too. And they're the ones who just make it worse. I hate them.

[It's familiar feelings in a different shape, presenting less of an epiphany and more of deep regret.]

...We've talked about this. [Quiet, tired.] My guilt is my burden, Morgan. Not yours. I don't think that's changed.

You can hate them. I'm... glad, that you don't want them to hurt me again. But I don't need you to fight my battles for me, because I won't learn anything that way. I don't need you to say anything smart or wise, because that won't take my problems away.

I just want to know you're here.

[He doesn't need steadiness. He needs safety

Because Mithrun is right. Barrett does feel like he might shatter at any second.]

Edited 2023-11-13 09:46 (UTC)

( Mm. Finally, he pulls away - to look Barrett in the eyes, proper, in a way he's been avoiding. His brows furrowed, his expression lost - struggling, hurt, but... trying to understand. )

... It's not as simple. It's not as simple as saying it's your problem. Even if these are things you have to do for yourself, ( his hands pull back, and he takes Barrett's face, firmly, ) I don't feel nothing when these things happen to you, when you blame yourself. Okay? That's... It comes with caring. That comes with being together. Doesn't it?

( Wishing... he could do more for Barrett, that these things didn't, wouldn't happen to him, isn't the sort of burden Barrett thinks it is - not to Mithrun. Not under normal circumstances. These circumstances just haven't been normal.

He swallows. )

... I'm not... going to go anywhere. Not as Macha, not as me. I won't— I'll get... better... with my anger.

Edited 2023-11-13 09:57 (UTC)

[...

Morgan forces that look, and Barrett finds that, at least to start, he can't meet it, eyes paining in understanding but still drifting off rather quickly, apology in his tone.]

I don't know what to tell you to do. I don't even know what to do, or how to change... I'm sorry. [But it's touching, in a way, to know Mithrun cares so deeply about it.]

I don't want you to stop being angry. I think... you get a lot of things accomplished when you feel things the way you do. I just...

[It's the knowing fear that's been eating at him ever since he learned about the professor, a fear that now digs deep here, a fear that keeps him from being able to give any more of himself...

...]

I'm worried that someday I really won't be enough, and you'll never come back.

That one day, you'll be so mad that no one will be able to say anything to stop you. I won't be able to hold you, and it won't matter what anyone tells you -- I'll just have to watch you walk away.

( Ah.

Though Barrett isn't looking, there's a ripple in Mithrun's expression as he seems to understand - he thinks, better. The other things Barrett said sort of slotting into place, the central pieces of the puzzle set down.

And it's not a point he could argue, either. Not when he knew he had to hold onto Barrett to stay pinned down. But maybe that's why it felt like - the things he was saying weren't really landing right, with Barrett, and hadn't been, even before they began becoming Phases. He thinks... he didn't understand the crux of his fear; or, at least, a portion of it.

He's had a lot of conversations since their fight ended. Enough to exhaust him. It's only been a day, and yet - there's a lot, there's a lot, he's been asked to consider, is trying to, by different people, some he cares about. And here is Barrett, saying something new, but not wholly unfamiliar.

He's quiet. He lets his hands fall quiet down along his neck, his chest, and come to rest there. )

... Can you trust me if I say I'll try to change? Or... did I lose that right?

[The silence stretches a a little further as Barrett lowers his forehead to rest against Morgan's.]

You never lost it. I still believe in you. If I didn't... I think it would be so much harder to tell you when things hurt.

[He would back away, like he's done before. Tell him that he can't cross that line.

He breaths steady underneath Morgan's fingertips, letting his own hands settle against Morgan's waist - less of an active pin and more a state of constant, moving touch, gentle and pressing against the delicate fabrics.]

...I want you to find a reason to change for yourself. Not for me. I can be here to help you, just like you want to help me. And I know you can do it. You've gotten up out of so many hospital beds and tried to keep going because you found reasons when no one else did. So I know you can, and I want to be alongside you. With you.

[His hands lift to mirror how Morgan's had been only a minute ago, cupping his face, though they don't force. It's touch, touch, to prove a point and anchor them together, to support how firm his words settle next, even if only for two syllables.]

With you. Okay?

Not on your pedestal, not in a safebox. I don't want to hide, and I don't want you to ever feel you have to hide me. I... want you to trust me more than that.

[Fingertips carefully trace against the longer locks of stray silvering hair as he keeps Morgan's face cupped in his palms.]

...Can you trust me to keep myself safe? Whether or not you're around?

( Mithrun exhales softly, his breathing quiet. His brow furrows slightly, though, as Barrett's fingers find their way along the hair framing his face. Just a subtle thing, easy to miss. )

... Okay.

( Does he? He isn't so sure about that. Not after everything that's happened to Barrett, that Barrett's let happen to him. But he understands it as a request; Barrett telling him that these things are important to him, that they're his terms for being with him. It's important to Barrett that Mithrun trust Barrett with himself, and it's important to him that they're ... separate in existence in some way.

Mithrun doesn't mind that. He is someone who will always stride a little out of step with everyone else, a little too independent. But finding a reason to persist in that broad, bigger world that doesn't mean on the people he knows, as if they were his carers, will take a little more time.

But... it makes him feel a kindling in his chest, that Barrett is so sure he can.

Still. )

... Taking responsibility for the things you've done... doesn't mean you should let it eat you, the way it does. I take responsibility for all the things I've done, and I... So - I'll trust you. Okay? I'll trust you. But... don't - hurt yourself so much. The more you do, the more... I get afraid for you.

( Trusting Barrett to handle himself is a decision he can make, and Barrett taking care of himself is a decision only Barrett can make, but one does influence the other. Barrett has torn himself down almost as much as Cubia has, and by nature he's too kind to lash out at new aggressors. Mithrun wants to trust him, but he wants Barrett to show him he can be trusted, too. It's hard to trust someone self-destructive, no matter how much you might want to.

Maybe they both just want the same thing from each other. )

But I know... you can. I don't know all the words to encourage it yet. But I know you're someone who can. And it'd be nice, if we... could get there, eventually. If we can shift, and change, and still be together... I'd like that.

[He notes the bare flinch against his fingers, unsure of the cause but letting his motions still. Watching, keeping a note of it for later.

But Morgan forces his way through disjointed thoughts, feelings that crack in their shape, and Barrett's eyes soften apologetically as he turns them over in his head. Trying to make sure he understands, that he's listened just as much as he wants Morgan to listen.]

You sound a lot like Booker. Have I ever told you that?

I don't want to get hurt anymore. And I... I don't want to drown myself. [A momentary touch back, an acknowledgement of Morgan's feelings form only minutes ago in the height of his rage.] I... know it's not easy for me. Not with some of my feelings.

But... Maybe I just need to learn a little more from you. If you can learn how to sit up when the waves come in... I can try, too.

[He lets the silence sit between them for a little longer, for breathing to try and calm and for his body to try to let Morgan stay at rest, rather than be restrained. One hand cups back against Morgan's head, a careful slide past sensitive ears to rest the warmth of his hand against the nape of Morgan's neck, disturbing the flow of the veil that still drapes across thin shoulders.

His smile, when it comes, is quiet and fond.]

I've never had someone so protective of me as you are, you know. It's different.

I like it sometimes. It makes me feel good when I know you care. It's why I know some anger will be okay. I can see this fierce side of you that way. [He pauses, thinking, before he leans in to press a chaste and glancing kiss to Morgan's forehead.] Just don't drown in it.

Edited 2023-11-14 04:03 (UTC)

[Closed] misteaks' mistakes - the sequel (catchall)

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