Beelzebub (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
gluttoning) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
altimit2023-10-06 03:51 pm
gluttoning) wrote in altimit2023-10-06 03:51 pm
[Closed] misteaks' mistakes - the sequel (catchall)
Who: Mr_Misteaks and also some other people
What: In person catchall + dungeon runs
When: October thru November
Where: various, please note in headers
Content Warnings: nsfw, ED discussion Please cw in headers.
[overflow and log space for October and November]
What: In person catchall + dungeon runs
When: October thru November
Where: various, please note in headers
Content Warnings: nsfw, ED discussion Please cw in headers.
[overflow and log space for October and November]
no subject
[He lets his fingers lace with Morgan's as the silence stretches, keeping his eyes on Morgan patiently. It's subtle, the way things have seemed to change in how Morgan treats these pauses. He can still remember a time where it would have been nothing but empty space, from a lack of desire for active conversation. But there's tension there now, vulnerable and visible, a careful tangle of thread being fumbled and unwound with unfamiliar fingers.
Here is where being in person helps. He sees the effort, and he stays patient, squeezing Morgan's hand but letting the space be for his own feelings.
The result is complicated - many things on top of one another. But he may as well address it one at a time, like they've done in the past. Shape the feeling out, so they both try to understand.
So when Morgan trails off, Barrett squeezes at his hand again. There's a lot he wants to insist, but he shouldn't without trying to understand.]
...Pull away? What do you mean?
no subject
His gaze finds its way back to Barrett, now that he's caught the tail of an idea. )
... When I get angry, or upset... you don't like it. And you like me less for it. Don't you?
no subject
I don't like seeing you upset. But that doesn't really change how I think about you.
Did I ever make you feel like that? That... I didn't like you anymore?
no subject
... You wouldn't have reacted that way over Levi if I weren't doing something to make you feel that way, would you?
( Maybe he shouldn't use others to find an honest reflection of the self. It's a habit carried in from his past self. though subtly, and amplified by how he has trouble perceiving himself. So far, though, it's been largely correct; he could see evidence of harm he's done in others before he could begin to perceive it in himself, and he could decide if what he saw is what he wanted to be - like in hurting Sinclair. )
no subject
...
I know how angry you feel towards Cubia. It's... like a storm cloud suddenly overwhelms you.
I don't want you to stop feeling what you need to feel. Not after everything that's happened. But... I didn't want to think of what would happen if you turned all of that onto Levi, too.
I didn't know what else to do. I just knew I didn't want to lie to you again. But... I assumed, I guess. I thought if I didn't say something about how concerned I was, and you decided he was too much of a threat and did something to him, I...
I don't know if I would have forgiven you, even if you had been right. And I didn't want that.
no subject
... I know your family's important to you. More than anything else.
( It was something he was near killing himself over, after all. He'd be more surprised, he thinks, if Barrett weren't defensive over Levi, even with him being an unknown variable. )
It's not... like I don't want you to talk to me. ( That is, in fact, what he wants Barrett to do specifically. ) But, I'm not... I know I get— really angry, but... I think I'm trying to control it, I'm trying to listen. ( Is he not trying...? ) But it feels like you don't... Like you expect that I'm going fail. And you'd been planning around it.
( He's not going to deny that there's a real chance that he would've taken to some unpleasant measures had he not been warned - he's not going to say that Barrett's caution, amplified by his love of family, isn't warranted, and it's for this reason his tone isn't accusatory.
Reasonably, the blame lies with him. Can he be upset Barrett treats him as a threat when he is a threat? But... )
... I guess it just felt bad. Knowing you don't have faith in me.
no subject
With a careful twisting in his seat, Barrett takes Morgan's hand into both of his own. There it sits for a stretch of silence of nothing but the lingering echo of ambience from the infirmary, metal and ceramic and sterile light - unable to meet Morgan's eyes, but not wanting the connection to drift.
Had that been how he felt? His gut reaction is that he wants to deny and try to soothe Mithrun's worries. But he tries to turn over the conversation over in his head - what he'd said, what Mithrun had said, the sting of that single sentence when it had been pushed out. All I've ever done is trust you.
...]
I never wanted you to think that.
You've been working so hard, Morgan. Even just talking to you today, I see how hard you're trying. And I'm really proud of you, for everything you're choosing to do, when I know it's hard for you. But...
I'm not... showing you that very well right now, am I? Acting like this.
[He swallows tightly.]
I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have let my fear get the better of me. I think... you still needed to hear what was happening. If I could re-do it, I still wouldn't stand down from Levi's side. But...I didn't really give you any space to speak for yourself.
I was worried you wouldn't trust me, and that just... made you worry I didn't trust you, either. That was wrong of me.
no subject
Where does he begin? He looks to where Barrett's eyes would be if their gazes would meet. It's fine if Barrett needs a minute. He can take his time. )
... I think I've done a lot of things to make you doubt. So... it's not your fault, I think.
( He doesn't want to ask for blind faith. He knows he has to fix himself up, too. )
... But I wouldn't change the part of you that wants to believe in the things that I'm wary of. I'm worried about you. And it's... a lot more than I'm used to feeling, so it's hard for me to control. But... I do trust you. And I'm trying to hear you.
And if there's more I can do that I'm not... I can try, if you tell me. Sorry if I seem upset, at first. But I like talking to you. Even when it's about things like this.
no subject
The words settle into crevices of silence. But Barrett lets the hand in his own earn another squeeze as he gives a slow, shallow nod, letting his eyes flick up to meet Morgan's gaze.]
I don't think anyone's ever really told me that as much as you have. That they trust me, or that they like talking to me.
[Sometimes it doesn't need to be said, like with Booker or most of his brothers. He doesn't need reminders, always operating on the assumption that the people he loves will think well of him unless he has some anchoring proof of the opposite.
Someday, maybe, he'll get to the point where he doesn't even need reassurance from Morgan. He feels, perhaps at the start of their exploration of their feelings, that he hadn't doubted so much. But the months had really stretched them both, turned them different, only to snap them back... and they had both come out of it battered and afraid.]
Maybe we need time to relearn a little again. I haven't really felt I could be just... just "Barrett" for a long time now. Even after we came back, it feels like it just never stops.
[His lip catches between his teeth, following a stray thought that winds off of the tangent drawn from exhaustion. His hands squeeze a little tighter. Safety. He knows, he knows, that Mithrun of all people will understand his feelings here... possibly on both ends of the experience.]
Being Tarvos... made my feelings turn into horrible things. Everything made me feel negative. Everything was an attack. If I had a problem, I fought it until it stopped moving or it ran, because it's the only thing that satisfied me. I looked everywhere, and saw things that weren't fair, and I was never, ever happy.
Even though he's gone now, sometimes I really feel what he left behind in my memories. It hurts, a little. Like... maybe he's left scars behind that I'm never going to be able to get rid of.
...
I don't... want to have him in my shadow. Feeling that kind of anger made me feel like I was being eaten alive by my own feelings. And I...
[Another glance to Mithrun - tired, concerned, wondering--]
...All I can wonder is if you feel it's eating you alive, too. And if it is... I wonder if it scares you, too.
no subject
He inhales, though, trying to tamp down on it, though he squeezes Barrett's hand back especially tight. Focus on the other things, like Oria suggested. On the things that don't make him angry.
Here, he hesitates. Should he be honest, even though it might not be an answer Barrett likes? Honesty is what they've striven toward, but - will it always do them good? Can he have faith in that, himself?
He exhales, gentler. )
... Yeah.
( Softly. )
But I keep thinking about... when I killed that copy of you, Hien summoned. And I start to think about what I'd do if that'd been real; if... something happens, and that's it, and... you're gone. And that eats at me, too. All of it together.
( Anger, and grief, and fear, and heartbreak. That's Macha's mark on his heart.
He brings a hand up over Barret's own, covering a hand on both sides in turn. Though his expressions are minimal in variation, often - there is strain, here, in his visage. Everything these past few months really messed with the both of them. )
... I don't like feeling these things. I just... think about the beach at Malibu. And I'd rather we be there. I'd rather we be learning... just how to be us again.
no subject
It became a feeling that was less unrequited and more at threat of snuffing out at any moment, with no way to control it, with no way to plead for it to stop. It simply dug a hole and radiated an ache, devouring the fear that loss brought.]
...I don't like those kinds of feelings, either.
[It's both raw and nostalgic, an old friend that seems to just keep returning.
He lets out a slow breath as he leans himself forward to rest his forehead against Morgan's. Not a kiss, not quite wanting one or feeling it's appropriate, but desiring to show the closeness somehow. A little reminder that he was still here, beyond the rough exhaustion that sands out his voice in quiet tones.]
We'll get there. We've come too far not to try our hardest. I'll believe it, if you feel you can't.
...
I'll take care of myself until then. I'll be honest with you. And I'll be here to talk, even if your feelings feel impossible. [His eyes drift closed.] I wish I could take all of this away somehow. But... I know those are the best things I can do for you.
[A beat, and his eyes flutter back open, letting his thumb stroke a firm circle in Mithrun's palm.]
Can I bring you to the hotspring when we're both healed up? We don't have to do anything. We can just talk. Tell stories, eat eggs and drink sake. Maybe fall asleep for a while.
no subject
It's hard to feel convinced in the moment that Barrett will care for himself just because he's promised it - just as he's sure it's hard for Barrett to feel convinced Mithrun will care for himself just because he's promised it. He slips up. Barrett will probably slip up, too. But... if anything, Mithrun cares to be fair toward Barrett. He asks for Barrett's faith, and acknowledgment that he's trying - so he feels it only right to do the same. Even when it's hard. Maybe especially when it's hard.
Though it's subtle, his expression seems to light faintly when Barrett suggests the hotsprings. )
... I'd like that. Something... simple.
( It feels weird to say, almost. He's always in motion when he knows there's work to be done, so asking for this almost feels like asking to be inefficient - to waste time, and let danger come to pass. That fear bites at his heels, at his back. Keep burning fuel - lest the flame go out, and the darkness come.
But it's a lot easier to square his shoulders against it, when he's got Barrett here to warm him. )
... I'll take care of myself, too. What you give me, I'll give you in return. Because... ( His gaze drops to their hands, and his lips part, but his voice hesitates - before he decides, in the end, to commit to it. ) I think... before I died, as Macha, I - think in some way, I decided against revenge. And I... decided, recently - I'd continue my research.
So - I'll take you to a real hot springs, when we leave. I'll... still be there.
( He still needs to figure out how the weight of living feels to carry; it's been heavy on his shoulders, and he doesn't know if he's learned to want that yet. So he isn't sure it's really - he thinks this isn't really enough to assuage the fears Barrett had about him. And so he doesn't argue it as such, as a final and proper answer. But it's something, right? Something beyond Cubia, beyond Fragment. Something simple they will reach, that will make this all worth it, in the end. )