altimit | [ closed ] Winter in September (October, November...) (dungeons + catchall)

[ It's becoming gradually more natural, the idea that some people might find physical comfort in this body. That contact isn't something that might burn if he lets it linger. It's him, but not him. So he accepts Ganymede leaning against him with something approaching grace; his hold loosens just enough that he can reach up with one hand to wind his fingers through Ganymede's hair.

It's everything he hadn't pressed when he asked before. Because it still hurts Ganymede. But it's still hurting him even now, and even Michel can hear it in the way those words spill out of him. ]

Stabbed? Wait--

[ He'd assumed it was bad. He'd assumed... all kinds of possibilities, honestly. Without thinking, his hand in Ganymede's hair drifts down to touch his side, then up his back again, as if searching for any lingering signs of a wound. ]

...I want to hear the rest, if you'll tell me. Why he took you. What happened. You don't need to tell me all the vile things he said, or what you aren't ready to talk about, but...

[ It still might be too much to ask. The thought of dragging up his own memories of the same makes his skin begin to crawl. He knows too well what it's like to be helpless as someone with perfect control over your life or death pours poisonous words in your ear, day after day after day. ]

...I want to understand why you think you could ever be like him.

[ Did some part of Ganymede come to feel the same after all that time? That death would be an escape? That any part of what had happened had been good intentions, however twisted? ]

[ There's still a lingering, burning anger, but every time it rises, it feels subdued by the way Michel holds him still, and doesn't push him away when he leans against him. Or those fingers run freely through his own hair, touch steadying him even further than he might have imagined.

For a moment, he closes his eyes, silent, even in the face of the other's reaction. Wanting to instead take in this warmth, even if it's brought on by virtual means. He feels the way the other touches at his side, then to his back—

That's where the man was standing, behind him, when he stole the dagger from him and stabbed him.

But Michel would never stab him from behind. ]

I started to believe in the same things he did. That this world was better off the way he said it should be. He was always making vague comments about the end result of society as we know it; that it would make things less boring.

The kind of chaos that would result from that would make life worth living again...it'd been years since I'd seen anyone else. Since I could listen to anybody else. I became tired, hateful, and even pitied him too. It doesn't—didn't—make any sense.

[ That's why he hated it. The idea that he can sympathize with his captor at all makes him feel...ugly. Isn't that the first step? To turning into someone you hate? To believe their ideas hold any sort of foothold? To even consider partaking in them.

There was nothing good about that. Nothing.

That's why, there were those feelings. He'd be better off left there instead of rescued. Better off dead. The person he was before had died an unsightly death. When he saw that hand reach for him, shouting at him to snap out of it, he was already empty, and full of nothing but hate and despair. Blaming the world, and feeling content to watch it burn after losing all hope.

Then even afterwards, he remembers sitting in that hospital, feeling trapped. Unable to move forward. ]

As for why I was kidnapped, it was because...his client wanted a pretty doll he can come and look at whenever he pleased. He paid a high price for my capture. Though, I never really saw his face, either.

[ Michel looks down at the top of Ganymede's head, letting the words wash over him in patient silence. Does it help Ganymede at all, to know the reason it happened? What reason would be good enough? Perhaps a tiny part of Michel can feel relief that it's something like that — not something uglier still. And yet.

To be treated like an object for other people's enjoyment. To be reduced to something less than human. Alone with only the voice of the man who had taken him... People who had never lived something like that couldn't hope to understand how fragile "reality" was. How easy it became to question whether a place different from the hell you were in had ever existed. ]

That man may never have deserved your pity. But—

[ We are the same type of person. The type who has the right to curse others. No one is going to come and save you, my dear. The only thing that can save you anymore is your loathing.

He slides his hand through Ganymede's hair again, the silk against his fingertips anchoring him in the present. This isn't "reality," either. Perhaps the true reality doesn't hold anything as warm as this. But all the more reason to accept this ephemeral joy while it lasts. ]

...It's difficult to believe in anything in the darkness. Wanting to see the humanity in the only company you have left... is a way of reminding yourself of your own. But he was wrong. You did escape. That you survived is — is a victory, and not a pity.

[ Even though it must still be painful. How long could someone keep walking, keep waking every day to the knowledge that they had to shoulder the old, familiar hurt one more time? How often had Ganymede wanted to scream that it was unfair? To tell the world that he had had enough? Michel's throat feels tight with pain more present than remembered as he finally lets his hand rest on Ganymede's cheek. His thumb traces the pattern of the wave marking, more by memory than sight. ]

And you aren't hopeless. You're like hope incarnate, Ganymede. Like light.

[ It's probably one of the only solaces about the indignity of the situation. He can't ever claim to have ever anything worse happen to him, despite the chances for even worse to be visited upon him. But even so, it truly is bad enough as it is. Even if he counts his blessings that he has a family to return to. That he can say he achieved his dreams, dancing on a stage in front of so many people.

That's why, he sometimes grapples hard with the idea that it still hurts. That saying anything at all...and yet, ever since coming here, no one here, when he talks about it looks at him as something to be pitied. As someone who might be an inconvenience for sharing such revelations—no one has told him that he should be grateful. Or perhaps joked crassly about being fortunate to be desired so much to that point.

Instead, even Hani has told him he was strong and that he could handle him knowing, Oria told him not to blame himself, and Fai spent time with him, knowing that he experienced the same, didn't immediately say they should part ways. Now, Michel, knowing more, holds him close, speaking words of understanding.

When, sometimes, Ganymede wonders if he had any humanity left to give to the people who cared for him. When he couldn't say a thing at the time.

He doesn't have anything to say against it. Because it feels like a lot. He starts to cry, soft hiccups escaping him.

Ganymede turns in the embrace and buries his head into Michel's chest, hands reaching to return it, clutching onto him. He doesn't know what he can say. He doesn't make a habit of crying. Yet, he clearly remembers doing so before, at least once, before Hani.

But now he's found another person he feels safe enough to show his tears. Fingers holding on for dear life, he thinks Michel saying these things to him mean more than he can ever articulate. ]

Ah—

[ Michel's eyes widen in unseen panic at the first sound of quiet, painful tears. His hand jerks a tiny bit against Ganymede's back — did he say the wrong thing? Why had he even let all of that spill out of his mouth? — before Ganymede turns and hides his face against him.

This... he knows this. He can do this. He wraps his arms more securely around Ganymede to hold him closer, letting one hand settle on the back of his head, just stroking his hair lightly. Until Ganymede has cried himself out, he can do this. Maybe the tears will take some of the most painful feelings with them. Michel has never tried. But holding Ganymede's smaller body in his arms, feeling each hiccup shake those slender shoulders, he feels humbled all over again by how honest Ganymede is capable of being with his emotions.

This isn't weakness. It's a strength of his own, the endurance to acknowledge that pain. The trust to let Michel see it. The part of Michel that can never fully stop thinking stirs, ugly tendrils of uncertainty coiling around him again. What next? What can he do more than this? What if Ganymede actually trusts him enough to depend on him, not realizing how powerless he is? He shuts his eyes against that and forces all of it down, leaning until his forehead is almost pressed to the top of Ganymede's head, his body enfolding Ganymede's protectively.

If this is all he has, then so be it. At least in this moment he can do this much. ]

[ It takes awhile for him to cry himself out.

Soft sounds as he trembles, that eventually begin to peter out as he's held tightly, and close to the other man.

Feeling the gentle touch of the other male's body as it shifts makes him feel content to stay where he is even after. As for any immediate words? There are none; there can be none, after all of that.

His eyes are still closed tight and a few more tremors escape him following some sniffles, but... ]

...to think that this would happen just because I wanted some cosmetic additions to the room.

[ Hah. Funny how that works, right? But he doesn't want to pull away either, judging by how he's still holding on, and he refuses to still open his eyes even just to see into the virtual world. Like this, he can even feel Michel's heartbeat, and maybe he just wants to continue to indulge in that. The warmth of this embrace, the closeness of a man he trusts. ]

[ It's probably the juncture where he should laugh, but it's hard to find something humorous in any of this. The game keeps having these mishaps that keep reopening Ganymede's wounds. All of theirs.

He's silent for a moment longer in thought as he turns that over, running his palm slowly up and down Ganymede's back now, over his hair. He can feel the trembling subsiding, at least. He hopes that's a good sign. ]

At this point... we can only expect that things like this will keep happening, in every part of this game. Are you certain it's worth continuing?

[ He should probably wonder that more for himself. But at each step that something like this has happened, when he reexamines it... he still has no reason to be anywhere but here. Or — this place contains his only reasons to be anywhere, perhaps. ]

I...I—

There are reasons why I have to keep coming. And it's harder to...nevermind.

You might also play with or without me. Hani too.

[ "And it's harder to see you if I don't play," He almost said.

Ganymede also remembers Hector saying something about if they banded together, then legal proceedings against the company would be easier. Or at least he thinks so. At the time, there was a blip in between his words, but he understood the gist. ]

As long as we stick together, these things...aren't so intolerable. And it's not impossible to get through. Especially when you're there.

[ Still... ]

...I won't force you to keep doing this either, however. If you want to leave, you should.

Edited 2023-09-07 21:59 (UTC)

I would keep playing regardless. [ Maybe. Probably. ] If you're worried about someone keeping an eye on Hani, then I will.

[ He doesn't think they'll stop. They'd been so determined after Ganymede was hurt. A promise, a thousand needles if they broke it...

Michel's fingers linger at the small of Ganymede's back, feeling the warmth of his body through the dancer robes. It's an illusion, like everything about this game. If Ganymede stopped logging in, they wouldn't necessarily fall out of touch right away. Ganymede has his number if he wants to call. But Michel rubs a slow circle with his fingertips, almost unaware, as he thinks: it would be hard to give this up. ]

...You aren't forcing me. I... I have my own reasons, too.

[ "It's not impossible, especially when you're there." He knows this is a fiction, for him to finally hear words like that. It's hard to keep his thoughts straight when his face feels too warm again. ]

But having me around might eventually be a liability for you, too.

I already told you that I'm not stopping. But, if I'm not there and Hani is in trouble, I'd be happy that you'd look out for them.

[ Ganymede thinks he doesn't show his worry so easily. Though that's a funny notion, because he is rather transparent even if he is...who he is.

Feeling the gentle movements against his back, the blond can only find himself easing all over again. ]

...Somehow, I had a feeling you'd say something like that.

[ It's why none of them have left, right? They all have their own individual reason to keep playing. Though, it's the final comment that gets the blond to frown, and asks: ]

What do you mean by a 'liability'?

[ It shouldn't be a relief that Ganymede is determined to stay. He should be more insistent that Ganymede quit and take care of himself. But he's a little glad for it just the same. ]

...The mirrors at the carnival were an event that affected everyone. What about this one? [ This one is different. He made it himself, from an option that wasn't even in the menu. ] We don't know what's causing this yet. So we can't say that it's impossible that it's something I did.

[ His desire to know more about Ganymede. The tiny flicker of ugly jealousy he knows he's felt, that Ganymede still has family who love and care for him. The corrosive, suffocating darkness he carries inside him, held at bay with the most tenuous grip. That post had called the armor cursed, and his seemed to exist to prove the point; deep calleth unto deep, in the grimmest corruption of the words. ]

[ Look at the two of them. Well-adjusted folks just desiring each other's continued company.

That being said, something in Ganymede unfurls unpleasantly, not unlike a situation when all one can do is watch a landslide from a distance, and still be uncertain of one's fate.

Perhaps, in retrospect, that might be a bit dramatic, but the displeasure is immediate, and without doubt. ]

It's nothing that you did. You didn't do this on purpose!

After all, whatever came out isn't something you intended at all. Something similar happened to me as well, like when I made a crystal ball by accident that made me able to read people's minds. So, if it's your fault for messing up, it's my fault too for breaching other people's privacy like that!

[ Anyway, it's not Michel's fault because he said so, so there. This is exactly how this all works and he is not wrong at all whatsoever. ]

[ Michel's frown deepens a little in thought at the counterexample. Not that he's blaming Ganymede either... but that doesn't really undermine his point, exactly. Curious Ganymede, who can't resist poking his nose into anything to see what it looks like, managed to make something that reads minds? Hm. ]

Intentions don't change the ultimate result, once something is done. [ Ah, wait— ] I don't mean that you're to blame for what happened with the mindreading, either. It's just...

[ Ganymede made something that reads minds, while Michel made something that shows people their inner fears. What makes them question themselves, hate themselves. There's more darkness— more seething malice inside you than anyone else... ]

...If I truly were cursed, I don't want it to bleed onto you.

[ Just. The look on his face right now. ]

Who told you that you were cursed?

[ He'll give them a talking to. ]

Or if you believe that yourself, I don't see how that can be true. I've had terrible things happen to me well before I met you.

[ Therefore let the record show that it's impossible. He refuses to believe something so ridiculous. Though if he finds out it's someone in this game that's making Michel believe this way, he will make them wish they had never played so help him...! ]

[ Thinking of Ganymede's reaction that day they danced together, Michel lets out a soft puff of a laugh that's half a sigh, and doesn't answer.

Does he believe that himself? He wonders when he last felt certain in what he believed. There are things he can't let go of, and then... everything else. ]

I know. I just have no desire to be another one.

[ But he eases back a little so he can run his hand over Ganymede's hair and push some of it back from his face. He probably doesn't have either the words or the will to make Ganymede understand what he means... so he'll just have to take what measures he can to ensure Ganymede never finds out firsthand. ]

No! You're not, you won't be!

[ He's shouting, but it's with a desperation because he feels he's missing something. He doesn't understand this at all. Ganymede will at least not pretend he hasn't heard this. ]

You're not cursed! Who is the one who told you this?! If someone else did, I'll...

[ He'll what? Ganymede doesn't know what he'll do. What he can do? If Michel's already believing this sort of thing, he isn't certain he can change his mind. No one had to have told him that. He could've thought it all up himself. He's fumbling, more than just a little. But his heart hurts, because—he squeezes his eyes shut tight, remembering the feeling of that touch with those hands having brushed back his hair. ]

How could you be cursed, when being around you feels like a blessing instead?

[ The intensity in Ganymede's voice startles him, and he looks down in something like bewilderment, his fingers stilling for a second. It doesn't matter who told him. If it were any one person who said there was something wrong with him, then wouldn't that have been simple to ignore? So putting the blame on the first person to say it wouldn't bring him any kind of satisfaction. ]

That isn't important. What matters is...

[ What matters is getting Ganymede to understand what he means. Whether he's cursed or not, whether he is the curse or not. That the weakness of his patched-together soul could still shatter like the mirror glass and hurt the people around him. That maybe everything he holds inside is monstrous enough to want that, so that for a single moment his pain wouldn't be his alone.

A blessing? It's all but a bad joke. But Ganymede says it with such earnestness that he can't seem to make himself retort sharply. He should. He shouldn't. He doesn't know anymore. ]

I'm... I'm not that, either. I'm just...

Of course it's important! I'd want to know, so I can tell whoever it is how wrong they are for saying that about you!

[ Ganymede says this with a certainty. He doesn't know how this all began, how it happened, or why it persists. But... ]

And I'll never believe it, no matter what anyone says, even if it's you who's saying this.

Because it's wrong! To me, you're someone who means a lot. So many good things that it would take me hours to sum it all up. You're Michel, not some accursed demon of a man. A good person, who I've been so fortunate to meet...and no matter what happens, I'll never forget it. I want you to know that!

[ That's not a very articulate argument, but he means it. His words are spoken with conviction, as he looks up at the other man, eyes determined, but soft. Full of warmth, but also fight, for this tortured soul right in front of him. ]

[ Being at the center of Ganymede's pure and righteous indignation on his behalf is a lot like what Michel imagines it must feel like to be caught in a sudden summer storm. He feels scoured and disoriented and sodden and -- despite all of that, perhaps, washed clean.

He wants to believe it. In this strange place where someone had looked him in the eyes and said "you're not alone," and meant it. In Ganymede's repeated insistence that Michel's actions have meant something to him. ]

..."Hours" is a terrifying exaggeration.

[ "Can I trust that even if the whole world says I’m cursed, that you’ll always be on my side?"

He can't bring himself to say those words again. Asking for a promise like that is just waiting for it to be broken. But he can trust in Ganymede's stubborn, argumentative nature at least this far. He puffs out a tiny sigh and bows his head slightly to concede defeat. ]

I would be more reassured if you'd just tell me you'll be careful instead. [ But. Even so. ] ...Thank you, Ganymede.

[ Ganymede thinks he can personally go for eight hours long if he had to. No one would survive to that point, though. But hey, sometimes there's a tenacity that defies all reason. ]

...I could do it for real.

[ The fact that Michel doesn't answer in regards to a certain comment makes Ganymede more certain that it's less that he began to believe it on his own and that someone made him think it. Which is actually easier to swallow, even if it isn't true, and he will therefore subscribe to it, while wondering which person he ought to bitch out for it. But, those thoughts peel aside for a moment.

Why? Because of the other's response. ]

W-well, your welcome. Just be aware you can count on me when you need someone to stand by you. And, I'm not afraid of anything that is to come.

[ . . . ]

I also guess I'm really not getting new furniture, though...

[ Well, that would be one way to make Michel log off and stay that way... Unfortunately, he in no way doubts Ganymede's tenacity. If he tells Ganymede he can't, he has every expectation that Ganymede would, just to prove a point.

He presses his palm briefly over Ganymede's mouth as if to shush him. Very briefly, lest he invoke exactly what he's trying to avoid by doing that. ]

Please... don't.

[ He really would die of embarrassment. But he drops his hand back to his side again, absorbing Ganymede's words in momentary silence. Someone to count on... ]

I should be the one saying those words to you. [ Although he has to fight a tiny snort at that muttered complaint. ] Leave me access to your room and I can finish it later.

[ What's the worst the mirror could show him, after all? Nothing he doesn't already still see, most likely. ]

[ A soft noise of surprise comes from Ganymede when the palm covers his mouth momentarily, blinking quite a few times even when it is taken away.

Lucky he's not the type to impishly lick his hand, Michel. ]

...Alright.

[ There's a momentary pause, though. ]

We can say the words to each other, right? [ Because they have each other's backs... he likes the thought a lot, actually. ] I'll give you access to my room, but, well. The mirror might pop up again, right?

I wouldn't want to make you do it and then experience something unpleasant.

[ He wants his furniture but not at the cost of the other man getting hurt like he did. He knows by now that it isn't exactly pleasant seeing someone you would rather not. And he remembers, that woman who showed up...wouldn't that be Michel's person? ]

[ If he dared, he could take both of them down in one move... both of them are fortunate for Ganymede's restraint.

For a moment Michel just looks down at him, lips parted. They could simply say it to each other. But the words that are easy to say, heartfelt, in the momentum of the moment take considerably more effort once he's stopped for thought. ]

...M-mhmm. [ Perfect. ] You can...

[ "Count on me as well" makes it somewhere to the back of his tongue and then stalls there, until he has to give an awkward little cough. But the thought is still complete without that. He hopes? ]

Now that I know it's possible, it isn't a problem. I can put it back in my inventory without looking.

[ Or look, and see if breaking the glass feels cathartic. If he doesn't happen to make any mirrors again when Ganymede isn't around... that lends a little weight to his hypothesis, too. ]

[ That'd be a surefire RIP in rest to the both of them, huh?

Ganymede knows himself the words aren't easy to say. But, well, he just...there is a line of thought in there and he knows what it is yet his head feels like it's filled with cotton for a second. Maybe because he's a touch embarrassed about it a little, though in a good way.

So perhaps that's why, even if Michel can't manage to finish his sentence, the sentiment easily reaches him. He just nods his head to acknowledge it, eyes soft, and a bit happy. Though, at the other part... ]

...If you ever run into it happening again, let me know. I think it's important, for many reasons. This shouldn't be something that's occurring, for either one of us.

[ Even if the company will suck at it. Plus if he knows it happened to Michel, he can be there for him. Though he's frowning, unable to keep from looking a bit worried. ]

Edited 2023-09-11 02:29 (UTC)

[ Michel ducks his head briefly, his expression softening despite the situation. That flicker of acknowledgment and warmth on Ganymede's face — for all that Michel struggles to voice things at times, and struggles to want to voice them more often than that, Ganymede so often seems to understand him anyway.

He's becoming complacent. Eventually there will be things that have to be spoken to be understood. But for right now, isn't it fine like this? ]

Not to worry. I intend to make note of it if it does.

[ It isn't quite the same thing as agreeing to tell Ganymede. But he will... unless there's a need to keep that information close to his chest. ]

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cw: less implied suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

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