[ Actually, Hector briefly quirks a brow. Because he was so steeped in his grief and upset that he almost didn't notice. Mithrun-as-Macha poking him about his relationship with Yael just made it all worse, and made him even more blind. ]
Oh, right. [ That helps, a bit.
Yael's reappearance doesn't seem to have that much of an effect on him. He's one of the very lucky few that got to see him before the fight. And considering they talked...he's fine. Mostly.
Instead, mention of Macha cases Hector's eyes to focus keenly on Mithrun again. ] How are you doing, by the way? Are you sure you're all... [ He looks his twinky ass up and down. ] ...you?
( It's hard to read Mithrun, as always, but when Hector asks, he holds Hector's gaze for a moment before it then drifts down to his neglected coffee. )
I'm not serving Cubia anymore, but I do think I've been changed. The way sauce stains the food it's been laid on, even when scraped off.
( Perfect metaphor? Maybe not. But it's functional. As a Dungeon Meshi, he can't help but be inclined toward food metaphors. )
For example...
( And though it's faint at first, Hector will soon pick up on it: the sweet scent that Macha had carried during the shoreline, and during his battle, faintly growing stronger.
It seems Mithrun still has it with him, but subtle enough it's hard to notice without being next to Mithrun for awhile. He's just letting the scent intensify for the moment to make his point. )
[ Though Hector isn't the type to immediately jump to metaphors, he gets what Mithrun says. His brows twitch into a little frown, and he leans forward, ready to hear what it is that he's going to say—
Except it's a demonstration instead. He visibly flinches when he smells that. It's unpleasant, and it brings back memories of the fight. Even though he emerged relatively unscathed...
He leans back, physically distancing himself from it. ]
( The point made, the scent recedes slowly - not completely gone; Hector can realize that, now that he knows the scent is there - but he's no longer a pop-up LUSH. )
I can't say for sure. Optimistically... maybe it just means that no one really comes out unchanged from an experience. You always end up altered. This is just more tangible.
( 3deep. He continues: )
As long as I have control of my thoughts and my actions... that's enough for me. I can't imagine I'm an especially appealing tool for Cubia anymore, now that I've failed once.
[ tuesday finally getting to use the popup lush metaphor... ]
Well, let's just hope it stays that way. And that's all that's left of Macha in you.
[ He takes a sip of his coffee, studying Mithrun. He looks the same... Mostly. The air about him is a little different from what he remembers, but he thinks all of them have kind of changed over these past few weeks. ]
Did you feel like you had control over yourself when you were Macha? Did you...realize you weren't yourself?
He takes the time to consider Hector's question. )
... I came to believe I always was Macha; I had always been an AI, designed to aid Cubia. That the persona I had as "Mithrun," and my offline identity as "Morgan," was something false inserted in me to help me better collect that data related to unrequited affection... and that Cubia took that persona away when I no longer needed it.
( His lips purse, as he speaks more of Cubia. )
I think I thought I was in control, in that... I was doing what I was "made" to do, but also... When I was doing things Cubia wanted me to do... I also thought that was natural. That those things were also part of my programming. And a program is run in service to something else. I was complacent in my servitude.
[ Hearing all this fills Hector with a sickening dread. To lose oneself and not realize it... It's pretty obvious what he thinks with the way his brow twitches, how the corners of his mouth pull into a frown.
At this point, he's already talked to Barrett and learned of his "other self." That someone can alter him—anyone so thoroughly sends a ripple of seething rage through him. He hates this. He hates this so much. ]
Excuse my French, but that is fucked up.
[ His fingers curl tighter around his coffee mug. ]
You couldn't have been okay with this, right? How did you feel when "Macha" went away? I'd feel sick.
( His answer is simple, and quiet, like a cold flame. )
I was more angry than I could even express. I was shaking. All of me came back at once. My life before Fragment; how I'd acted as Macha...
( And here his muscles are taut, and his chest is tight, and he feels those flames biting at his throat again; his fury, Macha's heartbreak. Having himself undone for someone's ends, restyled to their delight, again. )
... This isn't the first time someone's done this to me. I didn't forgive it the first time, and I'm not going to forgive it now. But I'm... trying - to hold onto my feelings. If I let my anger guide me, I... wouldn't be sitting with you here right now.
( He'd be out hunting Cubia until he collapsed. But... the people he cares for don't... want that for him. )
[ Oh, Mithrun reacts way worse than he imagines. Where Barrett was subdued—down, even—Mithrun runs white hot, and Hector finds a surprising amount of sympathy in himself for this anger.
But, he also doesn't want Mithrun to make a mess of his guild hall if he lashes out for some reason. So Hector reaches across the table to put his hand on Mithrun's arm. This is not a gesture of comfort. Or a suggestion of camaraderie. This is a reminder to calm down. To save it for when it matters.
Hector's eyes are a piercing blue as they rest on Mithrun's. However faint, there's an icy fire behind them, somewhere. ]
We worked hard to bring you back. I'd hate for something to happen to you before we get to make Cubia pay for what he's done.
[ Translation: Don't do stupid shit. Be at the final fight. ]
I know it's more personal for you. But I think a lot of us have it in for him at this point. You're not alone. ...Just remember that.
[ Hector's right there with him—wanting to hunt down Cubia until he collapsed. But he knows he's powerless as a Harvest Cleric. And he knows they have strength in numbers. He's just...been running himself ragged in other ways. ]
( If he still had his cat tail, he'd be lashing it. But he does, at least, abide by the hand on his arm - and he doesn't take offense to it, either. His anger seems to resign to simmering, though certainly not happily. )
... I won't go anywhere. I'm sticking around so we can kill him. And... after.
( He doesn't sound shounen-hopeful about it, but like it's something he's just accepted as true. )
I'm... going to make it back to the real world. And the rest of you, too.
[ Hector withdraws his hand, glad to have confirmation that Mithrun is going to behave himself. He cups his steaming cup of coffee and lifts it to his lips. ]
Yeah. I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to see what's out there. I'm right there with you.
( Mithrun doesn't particularly care if everyone makes it out, personally - he cares if the handful of people he likes makes it out, really. Unfortunately, about half of that handful of people would be very upset if everyone else did not make it out, so, even more unfortunately, he has to expect the rest of you will make it out, too. )
... Don't get your hopes up too high.
( Exhaling his frustration about Cubia through his teeth, he leans a little further back so he's somewhat sitting straight. )
Fragment, on an objective metric, is a better place, because it's a gilded simulation, and it hasn't been around all that long. ( Give people the rest of the year and they'll be reinventing new life-altering trauma for themselves, if they haven't already. ) I just refuse to live in someone's cage again.
( Not under professor, and not under Cubia. Not a third time. And now that has to be everybody's problem. )
[ As he takes a sip, Hector narrows his eyes slightly over the rim of the cup. That's where they're different—Hector will work for everyone, even the people he doesn't really like. He'll hold onto that hope as long as he can.
Regardless, he's still listening. That last remark has him raise a brow slightly. ]
This isn't the first time this has happened to you?
[ Picks the green arrow dialogue option... Please elaborate, Mithrun. ]
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secondthoughts) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
altimit2023-11-05 10:31 pm
no subject
It's fine. I wasn't either. When I was needling you for your feelings, making assumptions... I was looking for data, as Macha. Sorry about that.
( He says it so casually, like he'd mistakenly eaten Hector's food from the fridge. But it's something, right? (Well.) )
no subject
Oh, right. [ That helps, a bit.
Yael's reappearance doesn't seem to have that much of an effect on him. He's one of the very lucky few that got to see him before the fight. And considering they talked...he's fine. Mostly.
Instead, mention of Macha cases Hector's eyes to focus keenly on Mithrun again. ] How are you doing, by the way? Are you sure you're all... [ He looks his twinky ass up and down. ] ...you?
no subject
I'm not serving Cubia anymore, but I do think I've been changed. The way sauce stains the food it's been laid on, even when scraped off.
( Perfect metaphor? Maybe not. But it's functional. As a Dungeon Meshi, he can't help but be inclined toward food metaphors. )
For example...
( And though it's faint at first, Hector will soon pick up on it: the sweet scent that Macha had carried during the shoreline, and during his battle, faintly growing stronger.
It seems Mithrun still has it with him, but subtle enough it's hard to notice without being next to Mithrun for awhile. He's just letting the scent intensify for the moment to make his point. )
no subject
Except it's a demonstration instead. He visibly flinches when he smells that. It's unpleasant, and it brings back memories of the fight. Even though he emerged relatively unscathed...
He leans back, physically distancing himself from it. ]
Ugh. That's...not pleasant.
[ Sorry buddy, it isn't. ]
What do you think this means, though?
no subject
I can't say for sure. Optimistically... maybe it just means that no one really comes out unchanged from an experience. You always end up altered. This is just more tangible.
( 3deep. He continues: )
As long as I have control of my thoughts and my actions... that's enough for me. I can't imagine I'm an especially appealing tool for Cubia anymore, now that I've failed once.
no subject
Well, let's just hope it stays that way. And that's all that's left of Macha in you.
[ He takes a sip of his coffee, studying Mithrun. He looks the same... Mostly. The air about him is a little different from what he remembers, but he thinks all of them have kind of changed over these past few weeks. ]
Did you feel like you had control over yourself when you were Macha? Did you...realize you weren't yourself?
no subject
He takes the time to consider Hector's question. )
... I came to believe I always was Macha; I had always been an AI, designed to aid Cubia. That the persona I had as "Mithrun," and my offline identity as "Morgan," was something false inserted in me to help me better collect that data related to unrequited affection... and that Cubia took that persona away when I no longer needed it.
( His lips purse, as he speaks more of Cubia. )
I think I thought I was in control, in that... I was doing what I was "made" to do, but also... When I was doing things Cubia wanted me to do... I also thought that was natural. That those things were also part of my programming. And a program is run in service to something else. I was complacent in my servitude.
no subject
At this point, he's already talked to Barrett and learned of his "other self." That someone can alter him—anyone so thoroughly sends a ripple of seething rage through him. He hates this. He hates this so much. ]
Excuse my French, but that is fucked up.
[ His fingers curl tighter around his coffee mug. ]
You couldn't have been okay with this, right? How did you feel when "Macha" went away? I'd feel sick.
no subject
... I was angry.
( His answer is simple, and quiet, like a cold flame. )
I was more angry than I could even express. I was shaking. All of me came back at once. My life before Fragment; how I'd acted as Macha...
( And here his muscles are taut, and his chest is tight, and he feels those flames biting at his throat again; his fury, Macha's heartbreak. Having himself undone for someone's ends, restyled to their delight, again. )
... This isn't the first time someone's done this to me. I didn't forgive it the first time, and I'm not going to forgive it now. But I'm... trying - to hold onto my feelings. If I let my anger guide me, I... wouldn't be sitting with you here right now.
( He'd be out hunting Cubia until he collapsed. But... the people he cares for don't... want that for him. )
no subject
But, he also doesn't want Mithrun to make a mess of his guild hall if he lashes out for some reason. So Hector reaches across the table to put his hand on Mithrun's arm. This is not a gesture of comfort. Or a suggestion of camaraderie. This is a reminder to calm down. To save it for when it matters.
Hector's eyes are a piercing blue as they rest on Mithrun's. However faint, there's an icy fire behind them, somewhere. ]
We worked hard to bring you back. I'd hate for something to happen to you before we get to make Cubia pay for what he's done.
[ Translation: Don't do stupid shit. Be at the final fight. ]
I know it's more personal for you. But I think a lot of us have it in for him at this point. You're not alone. ...Just remember that.
[ Hector's right there with him—wanting to hunt down Cubia until he collapsed. But he knows he's powerless as a Harvest Cleric. And he knows they have strength in numbers. He's just...been running himself ragged in other ways. ]
no subject
... I won't go anywhere. I'm sticking around so we can kill him. And... after.
( He doesn't sound shounen-hopeful about it, but like it's something he's just accepted as true. )
I'm... going to make it back to the real world. And the rest of you, too.
no subject
[ Hector withdraws his hand, glad to have confirmation that Mithrun is going to behave himself. He cups his steaming cup of coffee and lifts it to his lips. ]
Yeah. I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to see what's out there. I'm right there with you.
no subject
... Don't get your hopes up too high.
( Exhaling his frustration about Cubia through his teeth, he leans a little further back so he's somewhat sitting straight. )
Fragment, on an objective metric, is a better place, because it's a gilded simulation, and it hasn't been around all that long. ( Give people the rest of the year and they'll be reinventing new life-altering trauma for themselves, if they haven't already. ) I just refuse to live in someone's cage again.
( Not under professor, and not under Cubia. Not a third time. And now that has to be everybody's problem. )
no subject
Regardless, he's still listening. That last remark has him raise a brow slightly. ]
This isn't the first time this has happened to you?
[ Picks the green arrow dialogue option... Please elaborate, Mithrun. ]