Even now, or maybe especially now, his ears are sensitive, and the brief brush of his lips against his ears wets his lips - he swallows hard. But Barrett - Tarvos - is gone sooner than that, leaving only the fading heat to suggest he was ever there. His ear flicks.
Fitting, he guesses.
His gaze follows Tarvos's departure, and he watches him for a few long moments, as if to understand the shape of him, and where he cuts different than the Barrett he knew. He wonders if this is how Barrett felt, when Macha began to first emerge.
The thing is, he doesnt know where to start. The anger had come to him so easily a moment ago; it had come to him so easily while he was Mithrun. But now, he feels like a lighter that won't spark.
He has things that anger him. But...
He casts his gaze to the ocean. )
... It's not that I'm not angry with you. Who you were, before you returned to being Tarvos. I was angry that you'd always keep secrets until they'd overwhelm you, and you still tried to handle all of it yourself. If I'd pushed more, if I'd pushed earlier, you might've...
( Was that anger? Well - it is; it's bitter on his tongue, in his tone, but even Macha seems to feel its not quite right.
His tail flicks, agitated. He starts over. )
... But you always put Lily first. You still do. You always put... these other feelings you have first. Anger, now; guilt, before. Even though you'd hate it when I'd do it to you. I wondered if you were getting back at me, for hurting you. Because, despite that - I still wanted... The players here told me that in the real world, they'd take pictures together - and when Lily makes his utopia, I wanted us to...
( Was that it, either? His brows furrow further, lips pursing tight. His tail flicks, splashing the water. These aren't - really wrong, or anything. They're all things he's frustrated about, they're all related to who Tarvos used to be, how the person Macha used to be failed him, how the things he wanted from Barrett were incompatible with the things Mithrun was willing to do - maybe by design, as Macha, who could only be an instrument of his own dissatisfaction. He'd felt abandoned, sure, but it really was Macha who wasn't enough, hadn't really treated Barrett or any of his friends then right.
Maybe forgetting his promise had been freeing, for Barrett. One less weight to carry, when Mithrun couldn't support himself. Macha can't help but interpret matters in terms of heartbreak, as emotional tragedy.
( Lily needed all that data, and it wasn't really for Macha to understand how he would use it, besides to create his utopia, besides to bring joy... because he doesn't yet have it. Because he had been abandoned by his father in favor of his brother; because he feels scorned even now; because...
Macha's eyes draw upward toward Tarvos. )
... Do you think Lily needs all this data so he can understand grief?
( Despite everything, something in him is still a little bit Mithrun. He can't help but try to understand. )
no subject
Even now, or maybe especially now, his ears are sensitive, and the brief brush of his lips against his ears wets his lips - he swallows hard. But Barrett - Tarvos - is gone sooner than that, leaving only the fading heat to suggest he was ever there. His ear flicks.
Fitting, he guesses.
His gaze follows Tarvos's departure, and he watches him for a few long moments, as if to understand the shape of him, and where he cuts different than the Barrett he knew. He wonders if this is how Barrett felt, when Macha began to first emerge.
The thing is, he doesnt know where to start. The anger had come to him so easily a moment ago; it had come to him so easily while he was Mithrun. But now, he feels like a lighter that won't spark.
He has things that anger him. But...
He casts his gaze to the ocean. )
... It's not that I'm not angry with you. Who you were, before you returned to being Tarvos. I was angry that you'd always keep secrets until they'd overwhelm you, and you still tried to handle all of it yourself. If I'd pushed more, if I'd pushed earlier, you might've...
( Was that anger? Well - it is; it's bitter on his tongue, in his tone, but even Macha seems to feel its not quite right.
His tail flicks, agitated. He starts over. )
... But you always put Lily first. You still do. You always put... these other feelings you have first. Anger, now; guilt, before. Even though you'd hate it when I'd do it to you. I wondered if you were getting back at me, for hurting you. Because, despite that - I still wanted... The players here told me that in the real world, they'd take pictures together - and when Lily makes his utopia, I wanted us to...
( Was that it, either? His brows furrow further, lips pursing tight. His tail flicks, splashing the water. These aren't - really wrong, or anything. They're all things he's frustrated about, they're all related to who Tarvos used to be, how the person Macha used to be failed him, how the things he wanted from Barrett were incompatible with the things Mithrun was willing to do - maybe by design, as Macha, who could only be an instrument of his own dissatisfaction. He'd felt abandoned, sure, but it really was Macha who wasn't enough, hadn't really treated Barrett or any of his friends then right.
Maybe forgetting his promise had been freeing, for Barrett. One less weight to carry, when Mithrun couldn't support himself. Macha can't help but interpret matters in terms of heartbreak, as emotional tragedy.
But why does tragedy exist?
...
He begins to murmur, counting off his fingers: )
... Unrequited love, death, jealousy, rebirth, fixed fate, cruelty, deceit, and creation...
( Lily needed all that data, and it wasn't really for Macha to understand how he would use it, besides to create his utopia, besides to bring joy... because he doesn't yet have it. Because he had been abandoned by his father in favor of his brother; because he feels scorned even now; because...
Macha's eyes draw upward toward Tarvos. )
... Do you think Lily needs all this data so he can understand grief?
( Despite everything, something in him is still a little bit Mithrun. He can't help but try to understand. )